weezy Posted January 9, 2003 Report Share Posted January 9, 2003 I was driving down the freeway and a cop pulled me over. "Did you know that the speed limit is 50 miles per hour?" asked the cop. "Yea," I said "but I didn't plan on being out that long" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Rob Not Bob Posted January 9, 2003 Report Share Posted January 9, 2003 There is a great Steven Wright annecdote in the Phish Book : Mike Gordon was in the bathroom during one of their NYE gigs, he didn't know it but Steve Wright was in the next stall. Wright starts whistling a tune, Cactus says : "Is that Billy Joel?" Wright replies, "I'm not sure." Cactus says, "No, I don't mean the tune you were whistling, I mean are you Billy Joel?" Wright replies, "That's what I meant." Rob Not Bob Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ms.Huxtable Posted January 9, 2003 Report Share Posted January 9, 2003 "The world is small but I wouldn't want to paint it" "My girlfriend and I went on a picnic. I don't know how she did it, but she got poison oak on the brain. When it itched, the only way she could scratch it was to think about sandpaper." --Stephen Wright The guy is fuggin hilarious! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
weezy Posted January 9, 2003 Author Report Share Posted January 9, 2003 I was walking my dog on the ledge of a 20 storey building. A lady said to me "Aren't you afraid of heights?" "No," I said "I'm afraid of widths" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Rob Not Bob Posted January 9, 2003 Report Share Posted January 9, 2003 A few of my favorites : I like skating on the other side of the ice. I like to reminisce with people I don't know ... it saves time. I bought some powdered water, but I don't know what to add. Etc. etc. etc. Rob Not Bob NP : Sunny Day Real Estate - Live Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Basher Posted January 9, 2003 Report Share Posted January 9, 2003 "I am a peripheral visionary. It means I can see into the future, just way off to the side." Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
CharlieDon'tSurf Posted January 9, 2003 Report Share Posted January 9, 2003 k-billy super sounds of the 70's! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Basher Posted January 9, 2003 Report Share Posted January 9, 2003 Check out Steven Wright Quotes Here are some favourites: All those who believe in psychokinesis raise my hand. Support bacteria - they're the only culture some people have. Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy. If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends? Dancing is a perpendicular expression of a horizontal desire. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
weezy Posted January 9, 2003 Author Report Share Posted January 9, 2003 I went to court for a parking ticket, and pleaded insanity. I said "Your honor, why would anyone in their right mind park in the passing lane?" I was once arrested for walking in someone else's sleep. I went to the hardware store and bought some used paint. It was in the shape of a house. I used to work for the company that makes hydrants but you couldn't park anywhere near the place. If you melted dry-ice, could you swim without getting wet? I once played poker with tarot cards. I got a full-house and 4 people died. I got an answering machine for my phone. Now when people call me when I'm not home they get a recording of a busy signal. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Phred Posted January 10, 2003 Report Share Posted January 10, 2003 I put a skylight in my living room the other day.... The people who live upstairs are really upset. I bought a harmonica the other day. I play it by holding it out my car window and driving really fast. I put a new engine in my car. Didn't take the old one out. The car goes 400 miles an hour... The harmonica sounds amazing. Phred Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
CharlieDon'tSurf Posted January 10, 2003 Report Share Posted January 10, 2003 i love his rendition of bowling.... a gutter ball every time he and jack handy should hook up and take over the world... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
backbacon Posted January 10, 2003 Report Share Posted January 10, 2003 I named my dog 'Stay'. It gets confused whenever I call him: "Come here, 'Stay'...come here, 'stay'..." Now it just sits there and types. (Steven believes all dogs should have jobs. His is a writer.) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Freeker Posted January 10, 2003 Report Share Posted January 10, 2003 I was lucky enough to meet Stephen Wright after his show in Victoria this summer, he is awesome, the exact same guy off stage as he is on. the best part is i was wearing a Phish t-shirt and he stopped talking to another person and leaned over and said "Ya know I palyed a song with those guys" He then told me the story about how he had an office bell solo in scent of A mule for New Years, i was blown away, he had nothing but good things to say about the boys. We also chatted at length about his stellar role in Half Baked....he is an awesome guy and one of the funniest guys on the planet Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Basher Posted January 10, 2003 Report Share Posted January 10, 2003 Hilarious stand-up is coming to T-Dot! Steven Wright will be at the Hummingbird Centre on March 5th at 7:30PM. Event info here . Anyone wanna go with me? Tickets are only $41, pretty good after spending $125 to see Seinfeld. Lemme know, public ticket sale is tomorrow at 10:00am. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Basher Posted January 10, 2003 Report Share Posted January 10, 2003 Third row centre - SWEET! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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