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Adam Foley got shut out too.......


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.......or will he be?

Dude, There Is No Fucking Way I'm Getting Shut Out of New Year's

by Adam Foley

Like pretty much everyone else I know, I was shut out of both mail order and ticketmaster for Phish's NYE show at MSG. It's fuckin' bullshit man, true fans like me get shut out, while douche bag ticket brokers have 168 pairs for sale for $3,000 per seat??? What kind of fucked up world do we live in where this happens? I tell you, it's the band's fault - if they played a brief December tour that culminated in a New Year's spectacular, then every Phish fan in the country wouldn't feel the need to clog up the lines and steal my hard-earned ticket. I live 5 miles from the Garden, for chrissakes. I'll tell you two things though:

1. I am going to be in that room when the lights go down

2. There is no fucking way I'm going to pay $500 for that seat

How am I going to swing that, you ask? Well, I've got a few plans...

THE FAKE TICKET

Okay, first let me stipulate that I'm not going to make a counterfeit, and I in no way condone counterfeiting or anything like that. I'm just assuming that the $100 tickets being sold by scalpers out front are probably going to be fake, and I'd rather pay $100 for a chance of getting in than pay $500 for the guarantee. If I can get a real ticket out front for a reasonable price, well then more power to me. Otherwise, I'm hitting up Crackheadmaster for my seat.

THE JOB

The more I think about it, the more I like this idea... I'll just get a job at the Garden, and then I can just waltz right in!!! Flash my Garden ID and walk right down to the front row, what could be simpler? I looked on their website though, and I don't see any job listings or anything. I'm going to need to look into this one more though, because I think it's a great idea.

THE BUM RUSH

I'm a pretty fast guy, and they don't have real security guards there - it's like old guys in maroon jackets. So I figure I'll wear a tear-away nylon outfit, grease myself up with crisco, and try to crash the gates. I figure I'll only need to beat two guards - I tell the guys on the way in that my tickets are will call, and then I just need to beat the one at the turnstile, and another at the section entrance. Seems like a longshot? That's what they said about that horse that won that race that one time.

THE BRIBE

This one is simple, straightforward, and usually effective. A clean, crisp, $100 bill is a pretty big enticement for a security guard who makes $8 per hour to let you in the side door. Of course, he could just take your money and leave you standing outside... but that's a chance I'm willing to take.

THE OLD BAIT AND SWITCH

This one is intriguing, but I'd need to test it out beforehand to see if it would work. Basically, MSG gives tours every day at 3PM for like $8. They take you all around - the locker rooms, backstage area, inside the arena, etc. So 3PM on the 31st, I take this tour, then duck behind a zamboni or something. Lay low for four or five hours and I'm all set!!!

THE PIZZA DELIVERY GUY

"Hi, I've got a pizza for... Jason Fedders in the WorldCom box?" Imagine that worked?

Perhaps some of these ideas are silly, but I think they all have a small chance of working (except maybe the delivery guy). But if I start planning right now, and start trying these things early in the day, I might be able to try three or four before I'm arrested. That's not going to happen though, because some how, some way, I am going to be inside that building when the lights go down. Even if the NYPD is chasing me naked through the halls, I'm going to be in there man. There's no fucking way I'm getting shut out of New Year's Eve.

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