Post 'em if you got 'em

[Ms.Huxtable]

Jokes that is. Here's mine.

Three men were travelling in Europe and happened to meetat a bar in London.

One man was from the US, one from France, and one from Canada. They got acquainted and started talking about their problems with their wives.

The American began by saying: "I told my wife in no uncertain terms that from now on she would have to do all the cooking. Well the first day after I told her, I saw nothing. The second day I saw nothing. But on the third day when I came home from work, the table was set, a wonderful dinner was prepared with wine and even dessert."

Then the man from France spoke up: "I sat my wife down and told her that from now on she would have to do all the shopping, and also all the cleaning. The first day I saw nothing. The second day I saw nothing. But on the third day when I came home, the whole house was spotless, and in the pantry the shelves were filled with groceries.

The fellow from Canada sat up straight on the bar stool, pushed out his chest and said: "I gave my wife a stern look and told her that from now on she would have to do all the cooking, the shopping and the housecleaning. Well the first day I saw nothing. The second day I still saw nothing. But on the third day, I began to see a little bit out of my left eye."

[M]

An old man walks into a confessional. The

following conversation ensues:

> > Man: I am 92 years old, have a wonderful wife of 70 years, many children, grandchildren, and great grandchildren. Yesterday, I picked up two college girls, hitchhiking. We went to a motel, where I had sex with each of them,............. three times.

> > Priest : Are you sorry for your sins?

> > Man : What sins?

> > Priest : What kind of a Catholic are you?

> > Man : I'm Jewish

> > Priest: Why are you telling me all this?

> > Man : I'm telling everybody

[Jaimoe]

Creed has gone 5 times platinum in the United States.

[arcane]

Martha and Edna, two widows, are talking

Martha: "That nice George Johnson asked me out for a date . . . I know you went out with him last week, and I wanted to talk with you about him before I give him my answer."

Edna: "Well . . . I'll tell you. He shows up at my apartment punctually at 7 PM. And dressed like such a gentleman in a fine suit. And he brings me such beautiful flowers! Then he takes me downstairs, and what's there but a beautiful car . . . a limousine, uniformed chauffeur and all. Then he takes me out for dinner, a marvelous dinner - lobster. Then we go see a show . . . let me tell you, Martha, I enjoyed it so much I could have just died from pleasure! So then we are coming back to my apartment and he turns into an ANIMAL. Completely crazy, he tears off my expensive new dress and has his way with me two times!"

Martha: "Goodness gracious! . . . so you are telling me I shouldn't go out with him?"

Edna: "No . . . I'm just saying, wear an old dress."

[arcane]

Q: What is a Yankee?

A: The same as a quickie, but a guy can do it alone.

Q: Why does a man have a hole in his penis?

A: To get some air to his brain.

Q: What is the difference between a Harley and a Hoover?

A: The position of the dirt bag.

Q. Why is divorce so expensive?

A. Because it's worth it.

Q: How can you tell when a man's had an orgasm?

A: From the snoring.

Q: What do you see when the Pillsbury Dough Boy bends over?

A: Donuts.

Q: Why is air a lot like sex?

A. Because it's no big deal unless you're not getting any.

Q. Why is Chelsea Clinton so homely?

A. Because Janet Reno is her real father.

Q: What do you get when you put 50 lesbians and 50 politicians in a room together?

A: 100 people who don't do dick.

[weezy]

How do you keep a deadhead in suspense?

[mark tonin]

WE WILL BE ANNOUNCING TICKET INFORMATION SOON ....

[Phred]

Some of my favourite musician Jokes:

How can you tell when a drummer is knocking at the door?

The knock speeds up.

Kenny G walks into an elevator and says, "Man, this place is HAPPENING!"

What's the last thing a drummer says before he's thrown out of the band?

"Let's play one of MY songs"

How can you tell if the stage is level?

The drummer drools evenly out of both sides of his mouth.

What do you throw a drowning guitar player?

His amp.

How do you confuse a keyboard player?

Take his music away.

How do you confuse a guitar player?

Put music in front of him.

General Custer and his aide were in the fort. The aide said, "General, I don't like the sound of those drums." From over in the hills they hear a voice yell, "It's not our regular drummer."

How many record producers does it take to change a lightbulb?

"I don't know. What do you think?"

How many drummers does it take to change a lightbulb?

None. They have machines to do that now.

How many bass players does it take to change a lightbulb?

None; the keybaord player can do it with his left hand.

How many jazz pianists does it take to change a lightbulb?

Screw the changes, we'll fake it.

What do you call a drummer with no girlfiend?

Homeless.

The bass player came tearing out a club in hot pursuit of another guy. The bouncer asked him, "What's the problem?" Puffed the bassist "That guy turned one of my tuning pegs, and he won't tell me which one."

What do you call the guy who hangs out with the band?

The keyboardist

Phred

[bradm]

How many concert promoters does it take to change a light bulb?

I'll get back to you on that.

What's the difference between a guitar player and a large pizza?

A large pizza can feed a family of four.

How many guitar players does it take to change a light bulb?

One hundred: one to change the bulb, and ninety-nine to stand around and argue that Steve Vai could do it better.

I also learned different variations on a couple of Phred's:

How can you tell the drum riser is level?

There's an equal amount of drool on both sides.

What do you call a guy who hangs around with a bunch of musicians?

A drummer.

And, just to be an equal-opportunity disser:

Why are jokes about drummers so lame?

So the bass player can understand them.

Aloha,

Brad, A Guitar Player Who Can Feed A Family Of One

[The_Burb]

An Idiot Calling Tech Support (true story)

Q: Whats your phone number starting with the area code?

A: 264-7958

Q: Whats the AREA CODE?

A: m6m 5v3

Q: No, the three numbers in front of your phone number!!!

A: Oh, 403

Q: Whats your problem?

A: Internet no work

Q: Whats happeming?

A: Nothing, the computer wont turn on.

Q: What if you hit the power button?

A: I cant see the power button.

Q: Why not???

A: The powers out.

[dancingfool]

Gotta do something to alleviate boredom while waiting at work...

"Thought you all might be interested in this news release on BBC Radio tonight:

The European Union Commissioners have nnounced that agreement has been reached to adopt English as the preferred language for European communications rather than German, which was the other possibility.

As part of the negotiations, the British overnment conceded that English spelling has room for improvement and accepted a five year phased plan for what will become known as EuroEnglish.

In the first year "s" will be used instead of the soft "c". Sertainly, sivil servants will reseive this news with joy. Also, the hard "c" will be replaced with"k". Not only would this klear up konfusion, but keyboards kan have one less letter.

There will be growing publik enthusiasm in the sekond year, when the troublesome "ph" will be replaced by "f". This will make words like "fotograf" 20 percent shorter.

In the third year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be expekted to reach the stage where more komplikated changes are possible. Governments will enkorage the removal of double letters, which have always ben a deterent to akurate speling. Also, al wil agre that the horible mes of silent "e"s in the language is disgrasful, and they would go.

By the fourth year, peopl wil be reseptiv to steps such as replasing "th" by "z" and "w" by "v". During the fifz year, ze unesesary "o" kan be dropd from vords kontaining "ou" and similar changes vud of kors be aplid to ozer kombinations of leters.

Und efter ze fifz yer, ve vil al be speaking German like zey vunted in ze forst place."

[Schwa.]

As told by Trey in Barcelona when moniters go down.

"Kid goes to his dad and asks him if he can take bass lessons. The dad says ok and so the next day the kid goes to his lesson. He comes back home and his dad asks him what he learned today. The kid repetitively plays the E string only. The next day the kid goes to his next lesson and again, he comes home and his dad asks him what he learned. This time he repetitively plays the A string. The next day the kid comes running into the house and the father figures he's returning from bass lessons and so asks him, "What did you learn today son?" and the kid replies, "can't talk now dad, i've got a gig."

[weezy]

A businessman was getting ready to go on a long business trip. He knew his wife was a flirtatious sort with an extremely healthy sex drive, so he thought he'd buy her a little something to keep her occupied while he was gone. He went to a store that sold sex toys and started looking around. He was browsing through the dildos, looking for something special to please his wife, and started talking to the old man behind the counter. He explained his situation.

The old man said," Well, We have vibrating dildos, special attachments, and so on, but I don't know of anything that will keep her occupied for weeks, except---" and he stopped.

"Except what?" the man asked.

"Nothing, nothing."

"C'mon, tell me! I need something!"

"Well, sir, I don't usually mention this, but there is The Voodoo Penis"

"So what's up with this Voodoo Penis?" he asked.

The old man reached under the counter, and pulled out a very old wooden box, carved with strange symbols and erotic images. He opened it, and there lay an ordinary-looking dildo. The businessman laughed, and said "Big damn deal. It looks like every other dildo in this shop!

"The old man replied, 'But you haven't seen what it'll do yet." He pointed to a door and said "Voodoo Penis, the door."

The Voodoo Penis miraculously rose out of its box, darted over to the door, and started pounding the keyhole. The whole door shook wildly with the vibrations, so much so that a crack began to form down the middle. Before the door split, the old man said, "Voodoo Penis, return to box!"

The Voodoo Penis stopped, levitated back to the box and lay there quiescent once more.

"I'll take it!" said the businessman.

The guy took it home to his wife, told her it was a special dildo and that to use it, all she had to do was say "Voodoo Penis, my crotch."

After he'd been gone a few days, the wife was unbearably horny and remembered the Voodoo Penis. She undressed, opened the box and said "Voodoo Penis, my crotch!" The Voodoo Penis shot to her crotch and started pumping. It was absolutely incredible, like nothing she'd ever experienced before. After three mind-shattering orgasms, she became very exhausted and decided she'd had enough. She tried to pull it out, but it was stuck in her, still thrusting. She tried and tried to get it out, but nothing worked.

Her husband had forgotten to tell her how to shut it off.

Worried, she decided to go to the hospital to see if they could help. She put her clothes on, got in the car and started to drive, quivering with every thrust of the dildo. On the way, another incredible intense orgasm made her swerve all over the road.

A police officer saw this and immediately pulled her over. He asked for her license, and then asked how much she'd had to drink.

Gasping and twitching, she explained, "I haven't had anything to drink, officer. You see, I've got this Voodoo Penis thing stuck in my crotch and it won't stop screwing me!"

The officer looked at her for a second, shook his head and in an arrogant voice replied, "Yeah, right... Voodoo Penis, my ass."

The rest is history.

[weezy]

A gynecologist had a burning desire to change careers and become a mechanic. So she found out from her local tech college what was involved, signed up for evening classes, attended diligently, and learned all she could. When the time for the practical exam approached, she prepared carefully for weeks, and completed the exam with tremendous skill.

When the results came back, she was surprised to find that she had obtained a mark of 150%. Fearing an error, she called the instructor, saying "I don't want to appear ungrateful for such an outstanding result, but I wondered if there had been an error which needed adjusting."

The instructor said, "During the exam, you took the engine apart perfectly, which was worth 50% of the total mark. You put the engine back together again perfectly, which is also worth 50% of the mark. I gave you an extra 50% because you did all of it through the muffler..."