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Celebrity Jeopardy

get it, now.............

I'll take The Rapists for $200, Trebek.

That's Therapists.

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Anal Bum Cover for $1000, Trebek

That's an album cover.

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Connery: I have a conundrum for you, a riddle if you will. What's the difference between you and a mallard with a cold?

Trebek: I don't want to hear it...

Connery: One's a sick duck...I've forgotten the rest, but you're mother's a whore.

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Connery: I've got to ask you...about The Penis Mightier...

Trebek: Wha-what? No...no, it's 'The Pen Is Mightier'...

Connery: Gussy it up however you want, Trebek, the question is, does it work, man? Will it really mighty my penis, man? I've tried such devices before, wasted a pretty penny I don't mind telling you, and if the Penis Mightier works, I'll order a dozen!

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Trebek: And I'll pick the category for you. 'Holidays' for four hundred dollars. The answer is: This December 25th holiday involves decorating a tree and opening presents.

Burt Reynolds rings in

Trebek: Burt Reynolds.

Reynolds: Yeah, what is my birthday?

Trebek: Is your birthday on December 25th, Mr. Reynolds?

Reynolds: No, July 7th.

Trebek: Actually, I have your bio here. It's February 11th.

Reynolds rings in

Trebek: Burt Reynolds.

Reynolds: What is July 7th?

Trebek: Absolutely not.

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Connery: Could you repeat the question?

Trebek: Of Simon & Garfunkel, the one that is not Garfunkel.

Connery: I Garfunkeled your mother.

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Alex Trebek: This is the sound a doggy makes. Mr. Connery.

Sean Connery: Moo.

Alex Trebek: No.

Sean Connery: Well, that's the sound your mother made last night!

Alex Trebek: Okay, that's not necessary. Burt Reynolds.

Burt Reynolds: Who is, ah, Scooby Doo?

Alex Trebek: No.

Burt Reynolds: That was a funny dog, Scooby Doo. He drove around in a van and, ah, solved mysteries.

Alex Trebek: That is incorrect.

Burt Reynolds: No, that's correct. He had a pal, Scrappy Doo.

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Connery: I'll take Famous Titties for $400.

Trebek: That's Famous TITLES, Mr. Connery.

Connery: Not a fan of the ladies, are ya Trebek?

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Trebek: Let's skip "Therapists" and try "Household Objects", for $400. And the answer is, "You usually drink water out of one of these."

[ Sean Connery buzzes in ] Sean Connery.

Sean Connery: A leather glove!

Alex Trebek: No. [ Minnie Driver buzzes in ] Minnie Driver.

Minnie Driver: A toilet!

Alex Trebek: That is awful. [ Jeff Goldblum buzzes in ] Jeff Goldblum.

Jeff Goldblum: [ marvels at the buzzer until time runs out ]

Alex Trebek: And you're an idiot! The answer was "a glass."

Sean Connery: Then the day is mine!

Alex Trebek: [ hesitant ] Technically, it's still Mr. Goldblum's board, but since he's a human wasteland, I'll let Mr. Connery pick again.

Sean Connery: Ohhhh, I'll play your game, you rogue! Let's try "The Rapists" for $20.

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Burt Reynolds: Yeah, I'll take the condom thing for, uh.. eight thou.

Alex Trebek: That's "Condiments". For $400. "This condiment is made from mustard seeds". [ Stewart buzzes in ] French Stewart.

French Stewart: The answer, of course, is onions. I'll take "Condiments" for $800, thank you.. [ buzzer sounds ]

Alex Trebek: That's not the right answer. [ Reynolds buzzes in ] Burt Reynolds.

Burt Reynolds: That's not my name.

Alex Trebek: Okay. Turd Ferguson.

Burt Reynolds: [ laughs ] Yeah, what do ya want?

Alex Trebek: You buzzed in!

Burt Reynolds: No I didn't.

Alex Trebek: Yes you did!

Burt Reynolds: Yeah, well, that's your opinion.

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Alex Trebek: Right, right.. say, let's move on to Final Jeopardy, that should be a lot of fun. And the category is: The Federalist Papers. Wait, wait, I'm sorry, that's my bad. That's for regular "Jeopardy", which we'll be taping later today. Your category is: Horsies. All you have to do is tell me "Are Horsies pretty?" [ the Final Jeopardy music starts as the celebrities scribble some answers ] Yes or no, we'll except either answer. "Are Horsies pretty?". Keep in mind, there's no wrong answer. [ music stops, Alex approaches the podiums ] Let's see what all of you wrote, starting with you, Mr. Cage, and you wrote.. and you're podium is gone..

Nicholas Cage: I don't know where it went, I'm confused.

Alex Trebek: You lost you podium? I don't see.. you know what - I don't care. Let's move on. Calista Flockhart.

Calista Flockhart: [ louder than normal ] What? What?

Alex Trebek: Settle down, just relax. You wrote.. nothing. And you wagered.. nothing.

Calista Flockhart: [ in a whisper ] The pen was too heavy.

Alex Trebek: Fair enough. Mr. Connery?

Sean Connery: We meet again.

Alex Trebek: Let's see your answer.. [ screen reads "Buck" ] Oh, I'm sorry.. that must be you wager. A Buck. And you answer is.. [ screen reads "Futter" ] Futter. Buck Futter, I don't get it.

Sean Connery: Ohhhh.. I think you do, Trebek. I tThink you do, indeed!

Alex Trebek: Well, thanks for joining us..

Sean Connery: [ yelling ] Buck Futter!!

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Sean Connery: That's a nice jacket you're wearing, Trebek.

Alex Trebek: Why, thank you.

Sean Connery: Is that wool? Must have been expensive.

Alex Trebek: No, actually, it was quite reasonable.

Sean Connery: Really? Where did you get it?

Alex Trebek: At a place called Stern's, down on 14th.

Sean Connery: Stern's? I'll have to check it out.

Alex Trebek: Well, you should. Ask for Gary. Tell him that I sent you.

Sean Connery: I'll do that. That sure is a nice jacket. Just one more question...

Alex Trebek: What is it, Sean?

Sean Connery: Do they make them for men?

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Alex Trebek: [ shakes head ] Let's just go with Foreign Flicks for $800. [ Connery buzzes in. ]

Sean Connery: Ursula Andress.

Alex Trebek: What?

Sean Connery: Ursula Andress, Catherine Deneuve, and Charo, twice.

Alex Trebek: That's Foreign Flicks, Mr. Connery. Foreign Flicks. Mr. Reeves, why don't you pick?

Keanu Reeves: I shall take Balloons for $800, if you please.

Alex Trebek: That's not a category.

Keanu Reeves: My mistake. I shall choose Balloons for $600.

Alex Trebek: I tell you what, let's do Colors That End in Urple. For $800. This color ends in "urple". [ Swank buzzes in. ] Hilary Swank.

Hilary Swank: What is light urple?

Alex Trebek: [ shakes head ] Wow. [ Reeves buzzes in. ] Keanu Reeves.

Keanu Reeves: I will venture a guess. Who is Jaleel White?

Alex Trebek: What?

Keanu Reeves: Is that not the gentlemen who played Urple, the humorous fellow with the glasses who loves cheese?

Alex Trebek: That's Urkel! [ Connery buzzes in. ] Oh good, Mr. Connery wants to say something.

Sean Connery: I thought of some more foreign ladies I snogged.

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