Insanely dumb employee...

[Lazlo]

It's called a prostitute. If she puts up a fight it's nothing a mickey, some pills and a baseball bat won't fix.

[hamilton]

I recall that this resignation letter made the rounds a few years ago... not sure if it's real or not, but I sure hope it is!

Mr Baker,

As an employee of an institution of higher education, I have a few very basic expectations. Chief among these is that my direct superiors have an intellect that ranges above the common ground squirrel.

After your consistent and annoying harassment of myself and my co-workers during the commission of our duties, I can only surmise that you are one of the few true genetic wastes of our time. Asking me, a network administrator, to explain every little nuance of everything I do each time you happen to stroll into my office is not only a waste of time, but also a waste of precious oxygen. I was hired because I know about Unix, and you were apparently hired to provide amusement to myself and other employees, who watch you vainly attempt to understand the concept of "cut and paste" for the hundredth time.

You will never understand computers. Something as incredibly simple as binary still gives you too many options.

You will also never understand why people hate you, but I am going to try and explain it to you, even though I am sure this will be just as effective as telling you what an IP is. Your shiny new iMac has more personality than you ever will. You walk around the building all day, shiftlessly looking for fault in others. You have a sharp dressed useless look about you that may have worked for your interview, but now that you actually have responsibility, you pawn it off on overworked staff, hoping their talent will cover for your glaring ineptitude. In a world of managerial evolution, you are the blue-green algae that everyone else eats and laughs at.

Managers like you are a sad proof of the Dilbert principle.

Seeing as this situation is unlikely to change without you getting a full frontal lobotomy reversal, I am forced to tender my resignation, however I have a few parting thoughts.

1. When someone calls you in reference to employment, it is illegal to give me a bad recommendation. The most you can say to hurt me is "I prefer not to comment." I will have friends randomly call you over the next couple of years to keep you honest, because I know you would be unable to do it on your own.

2. I have all the passwords to every account on the system, and I know every password you have used for the last five years. If you decide to get cute, I am going to publish your "favourites list", which I conveniently saved when you made me "back up" your useless files. I do believe that terms like "Lolita" are not usually viewed favourably by the administration.

3. When you borrowed the digital camera to "take pictures of your mothers b-day", you neglected to mention that you were going to take pictures of yourself in the mirror nude. Then you forgot to erase them like the techno-moron you really are. Suffice it to say I have never seen such odd acts with a ketchup bottle, but I assure you that those have been copied and kept in safe places pending the authoring of a glowing letter of recommendation. (Try to use a spell check please, I hate having to correct your mistakes.)

Thank you for your time, and I expect the letter of recommendation on my desk by 8:00 am tomorrow. One word of this to anybody, and all of your little twisted repugnant obsessions will be open to the public. Never f*** with your systems administrators, because they know what you do with all your free time.

Sincerely,

Ted Brewer

[meggo]

sh!t. too funny.

[StoneMtn]

I looked up Hamilton's letter, and unfortunately it's not real. (I wish it was!)

Here's a partial explanation of why this letter has made the rounds on the Internet for years:

Most likely this is a case of an imagined revenge rather than a faithful rendering of an actual letter of resignation. As to why the missive has proved as popular as it has, it may be because the desire for retribution runs deep in many of us. Most of us who have ever been wronged have at one time or another felt the urge to strike a counterblow, or at least to tell a wrong-doer exactly what we think of him. Most of us don't indulge in this pursuit because we've deemed the cost of getting even too high to justify the ephemeral benefits gained, yet we revel in thoughts of comeuppances and painful truths doled out by others. Such imaginings give us the chance to vicariously experience the joys of retribution, joys we're not likely to sample in real life.

Full explanation at: http://www.snopes.com/humor/letters/zantex.asp

[SaggyBalls]

Yowsa. I had to let someone go last week. The reasons were too numerous to mention but I did love him accidentally dialing my boss on his cell phone (Key lock people, it's your friend), he talked for over 15 minutes to someone about how much he hates his job, calling us all names and stuff.

reminds me about this time i had a 'hot date'with this single mom i was seeing at the time...anyhow, i threw my phone on my dash and started to talk to myself about this and that - anyhow, the moral of the story is that i quickly learned to think those things instead of saying them out loud if i don't know my keylock isn't on.

she kinda joked around about it...but she was only half joking...oh well...can't pat myself on the back too early anymore...that's a job in itself.

and to be honest...i miss that job.