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Optimus Prime dead at age 5,123,821*


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MISHAKWA, Kentucky - The lately reclusive Autobot leader that once proudly led time honored war heroes such as Bumblebee and Rawhide into battle, was found dead in his trailer in the western Kentucky town of Mishakwa. Prime apparently suffered a heart attack early Thursday morning in his sleep. Mr. Prime is survived by his protégé Rodimus Prime and his human godson Chip.

We'll miss you

Optimus Prime or "Opie" as he was called by his close friends, had been battling a drug and alcohol addiction for years and more recently suffered from obesity and male pattern baldness. After his TV series was cancelled, he slipped into a deep depression and hermit-like existence. Prime appeared once and awhile at Sci-Fi conventions and did an occasional voice-over job. His one-time costar Megatron, who now owns a used car lot in Van Nuys California, released a statement early Friday.

"Optimus was a great bot. Off camera we were very close. A lot of people don't realize that he came up with the phrase 'roll out!' one day during filming. It just kind of stuck. We'll all miss him dearly."

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Toronto, Ontario - The lately reclusive proud gay leader Cully that once proudly led time honored parade heroes such as Bumblebee and Rawhide through the parade, was found dead in his condo in the eastern Toronto's gay town. Cully apparently suffered a heart attack early Thursday morning while sleeping with eight 21 year old boys and doing poppers. Mr. Cully is survived by his protégé the Ambiguously Gay Duo and his dog a shitzu named Chip (named after his favorite TV show).

We'll miss you

Cully Cullyford or "Cully" as he was called by his lovers, had been battling a drug and alcohol addiction for years and more recently suffered from loss in confidence and his man hammer had gone soft. After his dance series was cancelled, he slipped into a satin teddy and lived only in his imaginary drag queen land of joy. Cully appeared once and awhile at gay pride conventions and did an occasional reach-over job. His one-time costar Shelby, who now owns a used wig store in Brownford Shithole, released a statement early Friday.

"Cully was a great fag. ON camera we were very close. A lot of people don't realize that he came up with the dirty sanchez and the Cleavland steamer one day during filming. Now there house hold terms. We'll all miss him dearly."

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