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Mitch Hedberg Quoter


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Thanks...it's as if the gods of procrastination looked down and said, "Julia, you're doing an OK job of just dicking around, but that five minutes of work you've been doing every hour just HAS TO STOP! Here--play with this."

Now I can't stop laughing...

"I'm at a hotel room and my friend comes over and he says, "Can I use the phone?"

I said, "Certainly."

He said, "Do I need to dial 9?"

"Yeah, especially if it's in the number. You can try 4 and 5 back to back real quick."

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Xylophone is spelled with an "X" -- that's wrong, xylophone... ZZZZZ! X?... I don't fuckin' see it. It should be a "Z" up front. Next time you have to spell xylophone use a "Z". If someone says, "Hey! That's wrong." Say, "No it ain't... If you think that's wrong, then you need to have your head Z-rayed." It's like "X" wasn't given enough to do, so that they had to promise it more: "Ok, you won't start a lot of words. But we will give you a co-starring role in Tic-Tac-Toe. You will get equated with hugs-n-kisses... and you will mark the spot. And you make writing 'Christmas' easier. And incidentally, you will start 'Xylophone'... Are you happy you fuckin' X?"

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I like to drink red wine. This girl said, “Doesn’t red wine give you a headache?†“Yeah, eventually. But the first and the middle part are amazing. I’m not gonna stop doing something because of what happens at the end.†“Mitch, do you want an apple?†“No, eventually it'll be a core.â€

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I was gonna get a candy bar. The button I supposed to push was "HH". So I went to the side, I found the "H" button. I pushed it twice... Fuckin' potato chips came out, man! Cuz they had an "HH" button for Christ's sakes, you need to let me know. I'm not familar with the concept of "HH". I did not learn my AA, BB, CC's... God God, damnit damnit!!

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In England, Smokey the Bear is not the forest fire prevention representative. They have Smaquis the Frog. It's just like a bear, but it's a frog. I think it's a better system, I think we should adopt it. Because bears can be mean, but frogs are always cool. Never has there been a frog hopping toward me, and I thought "Man, I'd better play dead. Here comes that frog..." You never say here comes that frog in a nervous manner. It's always optimistic. Hey here comes that frog, all right. Maybe he will settle near me so I can pet him, and stick him in a mayonnaise jar, with a stick and a leaf, to recreate what he's used to. And I'm pretty sure I'd have to punch some holes in the lid, because he's damn sure used to air. Then I can observe him, and he won't be doing much in his 16-ounce world.

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My apartment is infested with koala bears. It's the cutest infestation ever. Way better than cockroaches. When I turn on the light a bunch of koala bears scatter. And I don't want 'em to, y'know. I'm like, "Hey, hold on fellas, lemme hold one of you... and feed you a leaf." They're so fucking cute. Why do they have to be so far away from me? We need to ship a few over, and I will apprehend one and hold 'em. Awright. And pet him on the back of his head.

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