Bad Pun Thread (Are there any other kinds of puns?)

[StoneMtn]

1. Two antennas met on a roof, fell in love and got married. The ceremony wasn't much, but the reception was excellent.

2. A jumper cable walks into a bar. The bartender says, "I'll serve you, but don't start anything."

3. Two peanuts walk into a bar, and one was a salted.

4. A dyslexic man walks into a bra.

5. A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says: "A beer please, and one for the road."

6. Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other: "Does this taste funny to you?"

7. "Doc, I can't stop singing 'The Green, Green Grass of Home.'"

"That sounds like Tom Jones Syndrome."

"Is it common?"

"Well, It's Not Unusual."

8. Two cows are standing next to each other in a field. Daisy says to Dolly, "I was artificially inseminated this morning." "I don't believe you," says Dolly. "It's true, no bull!" exclaims Daisy.

9. An invisible man marries an invisible woman. The kids were nothing to look at either.

10. Deja Moo: The feeling that you've heard this bull before.

11. I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't find any.

12. A man woke up in a hospital after a serious accident. He shouted, Doctor, Doctor, I can't feel my legs!" The doctor replied, "I know you can't - I've cut off your arms!"

13. I went to a seafood disco last week...and pulled a mussel.

14. What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh.

15. Two fish swim into a concrete wall. The one turns to the other and says "Dam!".

16. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in the craft. Unsurprisingly it sank, proving once again that you can't have your kayak and heat it, too.

[Jimmy_Milbury_Esq]

17. Without geometry, life is pointless.

[bokonon]

What do you get hanging from apple trees?

(most people guess apples)

No, you get tired.

[SteveThe Owl]

I refuse to join in on this thread.

My puns are so bad I get punished for them... often punched... sometimes even sent to the punitentiary...

[steponmebbbboom]

guy goes to the doctor, says Help. I eat bananas, bananas come out. I eat apples, apples come out. Doctor says well, its simple. "eat...."

[Thorgnor]

Randy Mann

Brighton Wight

Real names from my class.

[Dr. J]

Two boll weevils grew up in the south. One went to Hollywood and became an actor. The other stayed behind in the cotton fields and never amounted to much. The second one became known as the lesser of two weevils.

[StoneMtn]

William Payment (he goes by "Bill")

- also an actual guy.

[Ol'Hickster]

Joke, not realy a pun but it made me laugh today, a investment banker comes home to his wife, and after dinner both were getting ready for bed and the wife notices that there is a $100 dollar bill tattoo'd on his cock, She looks at him and says, "What the Hell is that?!?!" He looks back at her and says simply, " Well Honey,I like the way my money feels in my hand, I like watching my money grow and next time you want to go and blow a $100, you can stay at home!"

[bokonon]

This isn't a pun either, but i think the level of humour in this joke is on the same wavelength:

Lucky Drink

A man wakes up with a huge hangover. He forces himself to open

his eyes, and the first thing he sees is a couple of aspirins

and a glass of water on the side table. He sees his clothing

in front of him, all cleaned and pressed. He looks around the

room and sees it is in perfect order. So's the rest of the

house. He takes his aspirins and notices a note on the table:

Honey,

Breakfast is on the stove, I left early to go shopping.

I Love you.

He goes to the kitchen. Sure enough, a hot breakfast and the

morning newspaper await him. His son is also at the table,

eating. The man asks, "Son, what happened last night?"

His son says, "Well, you came home after 3 a.m., drunk and

delirious. You broke some furniture, puked in the hallway,

and gave yourself a black eye when you walked into the door."

Confused, the man asks, "So why is everything in order and

so clean, with breakfast on the table waiting for me?"

His son replies, "Oh that! Mom dragged you to the bedroom,

and when she tried to take your pants off you shouted,

"LADY, GET YOUR DAMNED HANDS OFF OF ME! I'M MARRIED!"

[Ms.Huxtable]

Ah that's nice actually! (Said a married woman)

[Ms.Huxtable]

Here's one my co-worker said to me this morning.

A woman who just won the lottery grabs hold of her husband, hugs him and screams "Pack you're bags!!!".

The husband grins and says "Babe, should I pack for someplace warm or somewhere cold?"

Wife says "Pack for both, and get the fack out of here!"

[Davey Boy 2.0]

A woman goes into a bar and asks for a "double entendre". So the bartender gave her one.

[dogatthestation]

Two silkworms were in a race. They ended up in a tie.

[Ol'Hickster]

Two silkworms were in a race. They ended up in a tie.

hahah Really liked this one

[Velvet]

A piece of string walks into a bar and orders a drink. "We don't serve your kind here," says the barman. The string walks out the door, wraps himself all around himself and pulls at the ends of himself. He walks back into the bar.

"Hey, aren't you a piece of string?" asks the bartender.

"No, I'm a frayed knot."