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So Schwa. walks into a library...


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Looking to buy a frog?

A man walks into a bar and asks the bartender, "If I show you a really good trick, will you give me a free drink?" The bartender considers it, then agrees. The man reaches into his pocket and pulls out a tiny rat. He reaches into his other pocket and pulls out a tiny piano. The rat stretches, cracks his knuckles, and proceeds to play the blues.

After the man finished his drink, he asked the bartender, "If I show you an even better trick, will you give me free drinks for the rest of the evening?" The bartender agrees, thinking that no trick could possibly be better than the first. The man reaches into his pocket and pulls out a tiny rat. He reaches into his other pocket and pulls out a tiny piano. The rat stretches, cracks his knuckles, and proceeds to play the blues. The man reaches into another pocket and pulls out a small bullfrog, who begins to sing along with the rat's music.

While the man is enjoying his beverages, a stranger confronts him and offers him $100,000.00 for the bullfrog. "Sorry," the man replies, "he's not for sale." The stranger increases the offer to $250,000.00 cash up front. "No," he insists, "he's not for sale." The stranger again increases the offer, this time to $500,000.00 cash. The man finally agrees, and turns the frog over to the stranger in exchange for the money.

"Are you insane?" the bartender demanded. "That frog could have been worth millions to you, and you let him go for a mere $500,000!" "Don't worry about it." the man answered. "The frog was really nothing special. You see, the rat's a ventriloquist."

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Schwa. goes to the doctors complaining that no matter what he tries he can’t satisfy his GF in bed.

Doctors tells him to go home and swing a towel in one hand when he’s having sex and see if that works.

Couple of days later Schwa's back at the doctors complaining that the towel trick doesn’t work.

Doctor tells him to get someone else to swing the towel when he’s having sex with his GF and that should do the trick.

Schwa. gets home and tells his GF what the doc says and they both agree to give it a try, he gets on the phone to a male escort agency and gets one round for the night. When he arrives they all pile upstairs to do the business with the escort swinging the towel by the side of the bed but the GF is still not satisfied at all.

Schwa. thinks for a minute then has an idea, he asks the escort to f**k his GF while he swings the towel. Everyone agrees and the escort sets about on the GF resulting in the best sex the GF has ever had in her life, orgasm after orgasm. When they’re finished Schwa. walks up to escorts and says…

“See, that’s how you swing a towelâ€

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hahaha!

Davey Boy goes into a bar and says, "Quick, gimme a beer before the trouble starts!" The barman looks around the sleepy bar, shrugs and hands the guy a bottle of beer.

Davey Boy drinks it fast. "Quick! gimme another beer before the trouble starts!"

The barman looks at the guy oddly but hands another beer to the guy.

Davey Boy drinks it fast. "Quick another beer before the trouble starts!"

The barman hands him another beer, with a frown on his face, but hands it over reluctantly.

Again, Davey Boy drinks it fast. "Quick another beer before the trouble starts!"

The barman replies, "Look pal, exactly what trouble are you talking about?"

"I haven't got any money!"

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A guy is in a bar and sees Schwa. crying at the bar with vomit all down his front. He walks over and says "What's up man?"

"My GF's gonna kill me when she sees this" says Schwa., "She's always on at me about my drinking. It's going to be a real bitchfest".

"Listen mate, just stick $20 in your shirt pocket. When she's giving you grief, say someone else threw up down you and gave you the $20 to apologise".

"Brilliant", yells Schwa., suddenly all hopeful. He puts $20 in his shirt pocket, and goes about his drinking with renewed vigour, and gets royally smashed.

In the morning his GF shakes him awake.

"Look at you!" she screams. "You got hammered again, and look at you - you've thrown up all down your front. You're a disgrace!"

"It wasn't me", slurs Schwa. "Some guy threw up down me and gave me $20 to pay for a new shirt! Look!" He takes the money out of his shirt pocket and gives it to her.

"But there's $40 here" she says, all confused.

"Oh yeah" says Schwa., "I forgot. He shat in my pants too".

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Davey Boy walked into a pub with an Ostrich and a Pussy Cat. He walked up the the bar and said "Beer for me, beer for the ostrich, whisky for the cat". They found a table, sat down and drank their drinks.

Next it was the ostrichs round. He walked up to the bar and said "Beer for me, beer for the man, whisky for the cat". He took the drinks back to the table and they drank them.

When it was the Cat's turn to buy, he told them to "Fuck off!"

So Davey Boy went back to the bar and said "Beer for me, beer for the ostrich and whisky for the cat".

The Barman was curious about this and said "I notice that you and the ostrich have both bought a round but the cat hasn't. Why is this?".

Davey Boy replied, "I helped a little old lady across the road, and she turned out to be my Fairy Godmother. She granted me one wish".

"What did you wish for?" said the Barman.

"I wished for a long legged bird with a tight pussy!"

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Davey Boy pulled over the car by the side of the road and showed Jed where he'd first had sex.

"It was right down there by that tree. I remember the day plainly. It was a warm summer day. She and I were so much in love. We walked down to the tree and made love for hours," Davey Boy recalled.

"That sounds wonderful," said Jed.

"Yes. It was okay until I looked up and noticed her mother was standing right there watching us."

"Oh my God! What did her mother say when she saw you making love to her daughter?"

"Baaaaa..."

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A man escapes from prison where he has been for 15 years. He breaks into a house to look for money and guns and finds Davey Boy and his wife in bed.

He orders Davey Boy out of bed and ties him to a chair, while tying the girl to the bed he gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom. While he's in there, Dqvey Boy tells his wife:

"Listen, this guy's an escaped convict, look at his clothes! He probably spent lots of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck." If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain, do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is probably very dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll kill us. Be strong, honey. I love you."

To which Davey Boy's wife responds: "He wasn't kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me he was gay, thought you were cute, and asked me if we had any vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey. I love you too!!"

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Davey Boy is sitting at a bar, just looking at his drink. He stays like that for half of an hour.

Then, this big trouble-making truck driver steps next to him, takes the drink from Davey Boy and just drinks it all down. Poor Davey Boy starts crying. The truck driver says, "Come on man, I was just joking. Here, I'll buy you another drink. I just can't stand to see a man cry."

"No, it's not that. This day is the worst of my life. First, I fall asleep, and I go late to my office. My boss, outraged, fires me. When I leave the building, to my car, I found out it was stolen. The police said that they can do nothing. I get a cab to return home, and when I leave it, I remember I left my wallet and credit cards there. The cab driver just drives away."

"I go home, and when I get there, I find my wife in bed with Booche. I leave home, and come to this bar. And just when I was thinking about putting an end to my life, you show up and drink my poison."

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Schwa.'s talking to two beekeepers at a conference. One of them asks the other:

"How many bees do you keep?"

"I've got 3 hives, in all I've got around 50,000 bees" answered his colleague.

2nd one says "I've got 150,000 in total in about 8 hives".

"So how many bees have you got?" the second beekeeper asks Schwa.

"Oh, about a million or so" he replies,

"A Million?! How many hives do you have?"

"Just the one"

"You've got a million bees in one hive?"

"Yeah" he says "Fuck 'em, they're only bees"

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Davey Boy, wearing a mask, walked into a sperm bank, pulled out a gun, and told the secretary that this was a stick up and to open the safe.

The secretary replied, "You idiot, this is a sperm bank, there's no money here!!"

Davey Boy insisted that if she did not open the safe he would shoot her on the spot. Reluctantly, she opened the safe and stood back. There in the open safe were two vials of sperm.

Davey Boy pointed his gun at the two vials and ordered the secretary to drink them both or he would blow her head off.

When she had finished drinking the second vial Davey took off his mask. The woman was shocked to see it was her husband Davey Boy with a grin on his face!!

"See Baby", he said. "that didn't kill you, did it?!"

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Schwa. was bragging to his boss one day, "You know, I know everyone there is to know. Just name someone, anyone, and I know them."

Tired of his boasting, his boss called his bluff, "OK, Schwa., how about Tom Cruise?" "No worries boss, Tom and I are old friends, and I can prove it."

So Schwa. and his boss fly out to Hollywood and knock on Tom Cruise’s door and Tom Cruise shouts, "Schwa.! What’s happenin?!? Great to see you! Come on in for a beer!"

Although impressed, Schwa.’s boss is still sceptical. After they leave Cruise’s house, he tells Schwa. that he thinks him knowing Cruise was just lucky.

"No, no, just name anyone else," Schwa. says. "President Bush," his boss quickly retorts. "Yup," Schwa. says, "Old buddies, let’s fly out to Washington." And off they go.

At the White House, Bush spots Schwa. on the tour and motions him and his boss over, saying, "Schwa., what a surprise, I was just on my way to a meeting, but you and your friend come on in and let’s have a cup of coffee first and catch up."

Well, the boss is very shaken by now but still not totally convinced.

After they leave the White House grounds he expresses his doubts to Schwa., who again implores him to name anyone else. "The pope," his boss replies. "Sure!" says Schwa. "My folks are from Poland, and I’ve known the Pope a long time."

So off they fly to Rome. Schwa. and his boss are assembled with the masses in Vatican Square when Schwa. says, "This will never work. I can’t catch the Pope’s eye among all these people. Tell you what, I know all the guards so let me just go upstairs and I’ll come out on the balcony with the Pope."

And he disappears into the crowd headed toward the Vatican. Sure enough, half an hour later Schwa. emerges with the Pope on the balcony but by the time Schwa. returns, he finds that his boss has had a heart attack and is surrounded by paramedics.

Working his way to his boss’ side, Schwa. asks him, "What happened?"

His boss looks up and says, "I was doing fine until you and the Pope came out on the balcony and the man next to me said, "Who the f*ck’s that on the balcony with Schwa.?

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Davey Boy walks into a bar and ordered a beer. The bartender replied, "Sorry, we don't serve Canadians in this bar."

"But I'm really thirsty," Davey Boy replied. "I'll do anything for a beer!"

"Okay," says the bartender,"if you can do three things, I'll get you a beer."

"First," says the bartender,"do you see that big guy standing by the door? 6'5", 275 pound ex-NFL linebacker who got thrown out of the league for being too mean and nasty? You gotta knock him out cold and drag him out of the bar. That's number one."

"Number two. Back in the kitchen we got this Doberman Pinscher. He's mean, he's nasty, he's vicious, he's hungry, and he's got a bad tooth. You gotta remove his bad tooth. That's number two."

"Number three. Upstairs we got a 70-year-old, 300 pound hooker. You gotta screw her until she climaxes three times. That's number three."

"I'll do it!" screams Davey Boy. "What's first?"

"First is the big guy by the door."

Davey Boy leaps to his feet and runs headfirst into the huge man. The two of them are rolling on the floor with fists and blood flying everywhere. Finally, Davey smashes a chair over his head and drags him from the bar.

Panting and bleeding, he askes the bartender, "Okay, what's next?"

"Number two is the dog in the kitchen."

Davey Boy runs into the kitchen. The bartender hears barking, yelling, snarling, screaming, and jaws snapping, followed by a long, painful howling that obviously came from the dog.

Davey Boy runs out of the kitchen, his clothes all ripped and filthy, and says to the bartender, "Okay, where's the old lady with the bad tooth?"

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last one then:

Schwa and Hal were sitting down for a break in their soon-to-be new store. As yet, the store wasn't ready, with only a few shelves set up.

One said to the other, "I bet any minute now some idiot tourist is going to walk by, put his face to the window, and ask what we're selling."

No sooner were the words out of his mouth when, sure enough, a curious Irishman walked to the window, had a peek, and in a thick Irish accent asked "What might ye be sellin' here?"

One of the men replied sarcastically, "We're selling ass-holes."

Without skipping a beat, the Irishman said, "You are doing well .... only two left!"

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Saving the best for last:

Davey Boy and his lover are walking through a zoo, checking out the animals.

They come across the gorillas and after a while they notice that the male gorilla has a massive erection. The gay men are fascinated by this.

They stand and watch him for half an hour.

Davey Boy just can't bear it any longer and he reaches into the cage to touch the gorilla's penis. The gorilla grabs him, drags him into the cage and mates with him for six hours nonstop. When he's done, the gorilla throws the man back out of the cage. An ambulance is called and Davey Boy is taken away to the hospital.

Two days later his lover visits him in the hospital and asks, "Are you hurt?"

"AM I HURT? AM I HURT!!", Davey shouts, "Wouldn't you be!? He hasn't called, he hasn't written ..."

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Schwa. goes to the zoo to see his buddy who works there. His buddy says to him "Schwa., we have a real problem. The female gorilla is on heat, there is no male gorilla and she will smash this place up if she doesn't have sex. Schwa. will you have sex with the Gorilla for $500?"

Schwa. says he'd have to think about it and goes off to look around the zoo. At the end of the day Schwa. comes back to talk to his buddy. "Okay I'll do it, but on three conditions. 1 - No kissing, I' am not kissing a gorilla. 2 - My family never find out. And 3 - Give me a few weeks to get the $500 together...

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A guy goes into a drugstore to buy condoms.

"What size?" asks the clerk?

"Gee, I don't know."

"Go see Sophie in aisle 4." He goes over to see Sophie, who grabs him in the

crotch, and yells, "Medium!" The guy is mortified! He hurries over to pay and

leaves quickly.

Another guy comes in to buy condoms, and gets sent to Sophie in aisle 4.

Sophie grabs him and yells, "Large!" The guy struts over to the register, pays,

and leaves.

And then Davey Boy comes in to buy condoms.

"What size?" Davey Boy, embarrassed, says "I've never done this before. I don't

know what size." The clerk sends him over to Sophie in aisle 4. She grabs him

and yells "Clean up in aisle 4!"

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A group of grade school kids, accompanied by their teacher Schwa. and another female teacher, went on a field trip to the race track to see and learn about thoroughbred horses. When it was time to take the children to the toilet, it was decided that the girls would go with one teacher and the boys would go with Schwa.

Schwa was waiting outside the men's toilet when one of the boys came out and told him that none of them could reach the urinal. Having no choice, he went inside, helped the boys with their pants, and began hoisting the boys up, one by one, holding their willies to direct the flow away from their clothes.

As he lifted one, she couldn't help but notice that he was unusually well endowed. Trying not to show that he was staring, Schwa said, 'You must be in grade seven.' 'No, sir,' he replied. 'I'm riding Silver Arrow in the 2:15.'

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