So Schwa. walks into a library...

[Schwa.]

Davey Boy is stranded on an island with only a Doberman and a pig for company. There's plenty of food and water, and the weather is beautiful, so he's doing alright - but after a few months he gets lonely...

The pig starts to look more and more attractive - soft, pink flesh, round buttocks, etc. But every time poor Davey Boy makes an advance towards the pig, the Doberman snarls at him and once almost bit his leg. Very frustrating.

One day Davey Boy sees a speck on the horizon, so he swims out there and it turns out to be a dinghy, cast adrift, and in the bottom of the boat is a beautiful woman, unconscious. He drags her to shore and brings her into his hut and slowly nurses her back health. Finally she is well enough to walk and she says to him "Thank you, thank you for saving my life. I don't know how I can ever repay you. I'll do anything for you, anything, just name it."

Davey Boy thinks for a minute and says, "Would you mind taking my dog for a walk?"

[Davey Boy 2.0]

Englishman, Scotsman, and Schwa. are in a pub talking about their 15 year old daughters.

Englishman says "things are really bad with my daughter. I went into her room the other day, found a half-drunk bottle of vodka! I didn't know she drank!"

Scotsman says "that's nothing, things are worse with my daughter. I was in her room yesterday, found a half-empty packet of fags! I didn't even know she smoked!"

Schwa says "you guys have it easy. I went into my daughter's room the other day and found a packet of condoms! I didn't even know she had a cock!"

[Schwa.]

Three friends die and go to heaven. The first guy gets

handcuffed to one of the ugliest girls there.

''Why?'' he asks.

St. Paul replies, ''When you were nine you killed a bird

with a stone.''

The same happens to the second guy. He asks

why. St. Paul replies, ''When you were nine you killed a bird

with a stone.''

The third guy, Davey Boy, laughs at his friends and says, ''Thank God I didn't do anything like that.'' He gets handcuffed to the prettiest girl in heaven. The other two

guys ask, ''Why?''

''Because when she was nine she killed a bird with a

stone.''

[Davey Boy 2.0]

Schwa is browsing in a pet shop and sees a parrot sitting on a little perch. It doesn't have any feet or legs. Schwa says aloud, 'Jeesh, I wonder what happened to this parrot?'

The parrot says, 'I was born this way. I'm a defective parrot.'

'Holy crap,' Schwa replies. 'You actually understood and answered me!'

'I got every word,' says the parrot. 'I happen to be a highly intelligent thoroughly educated bird.'

'Oh yeah?' Schwa asks, 'Then answer this -- how do you hang onto your perch without any feet?'

'Well,' the parrot says, 'this is very embarrassing but since you asked, I

wrap my weenie around this wooden bar like a little hook. You can't see it because of my feathers.'

'Wow,' says Schwa. 'You really can understand and speak English can't you?'

'Actually, I speak both Spanish and English, and I can converse with reasonable competence on almost any topic: politics, religion, sports, physics, and philosophy. I'm especially good at ornithology.

You reallyought to buy me. I'd be a great companion.'

Schwa looks at the $200.00 price tag. 'Sorry, but I just can't afford that.'

'Pssssssst,' says the parrot, 'I'm defective, so the truth is, nobody wants me cause I don't have any feet. You can probably get me for $20; just make the Schwa an offer!'

Schwa offers $20 and walks out with the parrot.

Weeks go by. The parrot is sensational. He has a great sense of humor, he's interesting, he's a great pal, he understands everything, he sympathizes, and he's insightful. Schwa is delighted.

One day Schwa comes home from work and the parrot goes, 'Psssssssssssst,' and motions him over with one wing. 'I don't know if I should tell you this or not, but it's about your GF and the UPS man..'

'What are you talking about?' asks Schwa.

'When the UPS man delivered a package today, your GF greeted him at the door in a sheer black nightie.'

'WHAT???' Schwa asks incredulously. 'THEN what happened?'

'Well, then the UPS man came into the house and lifted up her nightie and began petting her all over,' reported the parrot.

'NO!' he exclaims. 'And she let him?'

'Yes. Then he continued taking off the nightie, got down on his knees and began to kiss her all over.....'

Then the frantic Schwa demands, 'THEN WHAT HAPPENED?'

'Damned if I know. I got a hard-on and fell off my perch!'

[bagochips]

A guy is in a bar and sees Schwa. crying at the bar with vomit all down his front. He walks over and says "What's up man?"

"My GF's gonna kill me when she sees this" says Schwa., "She's always on at me about my drinking. It's going to be a real bitchfest".

"Listen mate, just stick $20 in your shirt pocket. When she's giving you grief, say someone else threw up down you and gave you the $20 to apologise".

"Brilliant", yells Schwa., suddenly all hopeful. He puts $20 in his shirt pocket, and goes about his drinking with renewed vigour, and gets royally smashed.

In the morning his GF shakes him awake.

"Look at you!" she screams. "You got hammered again, and look at you - you've thrown up all down your front. You're a disgrace!"

"It wasn't me", slurs Schwa. "Some guy threw up down me and gave me $20 to pay for a new shirt! Look!" He takes the money out of his shirt pocket and gives it to her.

"But there's $40 here" she says, all confused.

"Oh yeah" says Schwa., "I forgot. He shat in my pants too".

Super Dave Osbourne told this one on Q this morning on CBC radio...

[Schwa.]

Davey Boy walks into a bar and orders two beers. He puts one in front of him and the other in front of the barstool next to him. He drinks his and every couple of minutes he pours some of the other been onto his hand. After watching him do this for half an hour a fella walks over and asks Davey Boy what he is doing.

He says, " Im trying to get my date drunk!"

[Ms.Huxtable]

An old man, Davey Boy, was living in a nursing home.

One day he appeared to be very sad and depressed.

Nurse Schwa asked him if there was anything wrong,

'Yes, Nurse Schwa,' said Davey Boy.

'My Private Part died today, and I am very sad.'

Knowing her patients were a little forgetful and sometimes a little crazy, Nurse Schwa replied, 'Oh, I'm so sorry, Davey Boy. Please accept my condolences.'

The following day, Davey Boy was walking down the hall with his Private Part hanging out of his pajamas.

He met Nurse Schwa. 'Davey Boy,' she said, 'You shouldn't be walking down the hall like that.

Please put your Private Part back inside your pajamas.'

'But, Nurse Schwa I can't,' replied Davey Boy. 'I told you yesterday that my Private Part died.

'Yes,' said Nurse Tracy, 'you did tell me that, but why is it hanging out of your pajamas?'

'Well,' he replied, 'Today is the viewing.'

[AD]

Super Dave Osbourne told this one on Q this morning on CBC radio...

that was one of the funniest interviews i've ever heard on the cbc. he took over

[Davey Boy 2.0]

Sorry Schwa.

Sharon went into a store to buy Bouche a pet for his birthday.

After looking around, she found that all the pets were very expensive.

She told the clerk she wanted to buy a pet, but she didn't want to spend a fortune.

'Well,' said the clerk, 'I have a very large frog. They say it's been trained to give blowjobs!'

'Blow jobs!' Sharon replied.

'It hasn't been proven but we've sold 30 of them this month,' he said

Sharon thought it would be a great gag gift, and what if it's true...no more blow jobs for her!

She bought the frog.

When she explained froggy's ability to Bouche, he was extremely skeptical and laughed it off! .

Sharon went to bed happy, thinking she may never need to perform this less than riveting act again.

In the middle of the night, she was awakened by the noise of pots and pans flying everywhere, making hellacious banging and crashing sounds. She ran downstairs to the kitchen, only to find Bouche and the frog reading cookbooks.

'What are you two doing at this hour?' she asked.

Bouche replied, 'If I can teach this frog to cook.......you're gone.'

[Davey Boy 2.0]

So Schwa and Hal share a win the lottery, 200k each. Both decide to take early retirement and enjoy their winnings. They soon lose touch once away from the daily grind.

Years later Schwa sees Hal whilst walking his dog in the park. He shouts ‘Hal! I haven’t seen you for YEARS! How’s life?’

Hal: ‘So so, working part time as a garbage man, had a great time blowing that win though, how about you? Same?’

Schwa: ‘Why I’m a multi millionaire Hal!’

Hal: ‘A millionaire? How’d you manage that after giving up work??’

Schwa: ‘I invested my winnings into opening a brothel!’

Hal: ‘A brothel? A brothel made you a millionaire!?’

Schwa: ‘Yes Hal, you see, it was one of a kind, a 3 storey brothel, something for the straight blokes on the ground floor, something for the homosexuals upstairs, and something for the pedophiles in the attic’

Hal: ‘What an idea, you lucky bastard’

Schwa: ‘Hey it wasn’t always this easy, started off as just me, the wife and kids!’

[Schwa.]

One night Doctor Davey Boy and a woman are both at a bar knocking back a few beers. They start talking and come to realize that they're both doctors. After about an hour, Davey Boy says to the woman, "Hey. How about if we sleep together tonight. No strings attached. It'll just be one night of fun." The woman doctor agrees to it. So they go back to her place and he goes in the bedroom. She goes in the bathroom and starts scrubbing up like she's about to go into the operating room. She scrubs for a good 10 minutes. Finally she goes in the bedroom and they have sex for an hour or so. Afterwards, Davey Boy says to the woman, "You're a surgeon, aren't you?" "Yeah, how did you know?" Davey says, "I could tell by the way you scrubbed up before we started." "Oh, that makes sense", says the woman. " You're an anesthesiologist aren't you?" "Yeah", says Davey Boy , a bit surprised. "How did you know?" The woman answers, "Because I didn't feel a thing."

[Davey Boy 2.0]

Little Schwa. was in class one day, says, 'Miss, I need a piss'. The teacher says, Little Schwa., the word is urinate. If you can use urinate in a sentence, you can go to the toilet. So Little Schwa says, 'Miss, urinate, but if you had bigger tits you'd be a ten'.

[Schwa.]

A lady went into a bar in Waco and saw Davey Boy with his feet propped up on a table. He had the biggest boots she'd ever seen.

The woman asked Davey "Cow"Boy if it's true what they say about men with big feet are well endowed.

Davey Boy grinned and said, "Shore is, little lady.

Why don't you come on out to the bunkhouse and let me prove it to you?"

The woman wanted to find out for herself, so she spent the night with him.

The next morning she handed Davey Boy a $100 bill.

Blushing, he said, "Well, thankee, ma'am. Ah'm real flattered. Ain't nobody ever paid me fer mah services before."

"Don't be flattered. Take the money and buy yourself some boots that fit."

[Davey Boy 2.0]

Schwa, having split from his latest girlfriend, decided to take a holiday. He booked himself on a cruise and proceeded to have the time of his life. That is, until the ship sank!

He found himself on an island with no other people, no supplies, nothing, only bananas and coconuts.

After about four months, he is lying on the beach one day when the most gorgeous woman he has ever seen rows up to the shore.

In disbelief, he asks, 'Where did you come from? How did you get here?'

She replies, 'I rowed from the other side of the island. I landed here when my cruise ship sank.'

'Amazing,' he notes. 'You were really lucky to have a row boat wash up with you.' 'Oh, this thing?' explains the woman. 'I made the boat out of raw materials I found on the island. The oars were whittled from gum tree branches. I wove the bottom from palm branches, and the sides and stern came from a Eucalyptus tree.'

'But, where did you get the tools?'

'Oh, that was no problem,' replied the woman. 'On the south side of the island, a very unusual stratum of alluvial rock is exposed. I found if I fired it to a certain temperature in my kiln, it melted into ductile iron. I used that for tools and used the tools to make the hardware.'

Schwa is stunned.

'Let's row over to my place,' she says.

After a few minutes of rowing, she docks the boat at a small wharf. As Schwa looks to shore, he nearly falls off the boat. Before him is stone walk leading to an exquisite bungalow painted in blue and white.

While the woman ties up the rowboat with an expertly woven hemp rope, Schwa can only stare ahead, dumb struck. As they walk into the house, she says casually, 'It's not much but I call it home. Sit down, please. Would you like a drink?'

'No! No thank you,' he blurts out, still dazed. 'I can't take another drop of coconut juice.'

'It's not coconut juice,' winks the woman. 'I have a still. How would you like a Pina Colada?'

Trying to hide his continued amazement, Schwa accepts, and they sit down on her couch to talk. After they have exchanged their stories, the woman announces, 'I'm going to slip into something more comfortable. Would you like to take a shower and shave? There is a razor upstairs in the bathroom cabinet.'

No longer questioning anything, Schwa goes into the bathroom. There, in the cabinet, a razor made from a piece of tortoise bone. Two shells honed to a hollow ground edge are fastened on to its end inside a swivel mechanism.

'This woman is amazing,' he muses. 'What next?'

When he returns, she greets him wearing nothing but vines, strategically positioned, and smelling faintly of gardenias. She beckons for him to sit down next to her.

'Tell me,' she begins suggestively, slithering closer to him, 'We've been out here for many months. You've been lonely. There's something I'm sure you really feel like doing right now, something you've been longing for?'

She stares into his eyes...

He swallows excitedly and tears start to form in his eyes........

'Fecking hell, don't tell me you've got the NHL Network?

[Schwa.]

Davey Boy owns a horse farm and gets a call from a friend. "I know this midget with a speech impediment who wants to buy a horse and I'm sending him over."

The midget arrives and Davey Boy asks him if he wants a male or female horse.

"A female horth," the midget replies.

So Davey Boy shows him one. "Nith looking horth, can I see her mouf?"

So then Davey Boy picks up the midget and shows him the horse's teeth.

"Nith mouf, can I see her eyeth?"

So now Davey Boy picks up the midget and shows him her eyes.

"OK, what about the earsth?" Now Davey is beginning to get a little pissed, but he picks up the midget one more time and shows him her ears.

"OK, finally, I would like to see her twat." With that Davey Boy loses all patience, picks up the midget and shoves his head up the horse's twat, and then pulls him out.

Shaking his wet head, the midget says, "perhapth I should rephrase that. I would like to thee the horth run.

[Davey Boy 2.0]

Schwa and Hal are out in the woods on a hunting trip. They bring the usual supplies, bud, booze and beef jerky. All is going well until Hal suddenly collapses. He doesn’t seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed. Schwa gets out his phone and calls the emergency services.

“My friend is dead! What can I do?†he gasps.

The operator says “Calm down, I can help. First, let’s make sure he’s dead.â€

There is silence and then a gunshot is heard. Back on the phone, Schwa says.

“Ok, now what?â€

[Hal Johnson]

Davey Boy and Booche go on a camping trip. After a good dinner and a bottle of wine, they retire for the night, and go to sleep.

Some hours later, Booche wakes up and nudges his faithful friend. “Davey Boy, look up at the sky and tell me what you see.â€

“I see millions and millions of stars, Booche†replies Davey Boy.

“And what do you deduce from that?â€

Davey Boy ponders for a minute. “Well,

Astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets.

Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo.

Horologically, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three.

Meteorologically, I suspect that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow.

Theologically, I can see that God is all powerful, and that we are a small and insignificant part of the universe.

But what does it tell you, Booche?â€

Booche is silent for a moment.

“Davey Boy, you idiot!†he says. “Someone has stolen our tent!â€

[Schwa.]

A Rich Old Bitty, aged 65, decided that it was time to get married. She put an ad in the local paper that read:

HUSBAND WANTED, MUST BE IN MY AGE GROUP (60's), MUST NOT BEAT ME, MUST NOT RUN AROUND ON ME AND MUST STILL BE GOOD IN BED! ALL APPLICANTS PLEASE APPLY IN PERSON.

On the second day she heard the doorbell. Much to her dismay, she opened the door to see a grey-haired Davey Boy sitting in a wheel chair. He had no arms or legs.

The woman said, "You're not really asking me to consider you, are you? Just look at you...you have no legs!"

Davey Boy smiled, "Therefore I cannot run around on you!"

She snorted. "You don't have any hands either!"

Again Davey Boy smiled, "Nor can I beat you!"

She raised an eyebrow and gazed intently. "Are you still good in bed?"

With that, Davey Boy beamed a broad smile and said, "I rang the doorbell didn't I? "

[Davey Boy 2.0]

Schwa. went to the butchers the other day, butcher says "Schwa., I bet you $5 you can't touch the meat on that shelf over there."

Schwa. says "I'm not betting on that."

Butcher says: Why not?

"Because the steaks are too high."

[Schwa.]

Booche and Davey Boy are out drinking one night when Davey turns to Booche and says, "You know, I don't know what else to do. Whenever I go home after we've been out drinking, I turn the headlights off before I get to the driveway. I shut off the engine and coast into the garage. I take my shoes off before I go into the house, I sneak up the stairs, I get undressed in the bathroom. I ease into bed and my wife STILL wakes up and yells at me for staying out so late!"

Booche looks at him and says, "Well, you're obviously taking the wrong approach. I screech into the driveway, slam the door, storm up the steps, throw my shoes into the closet, jump into bed, rub my hands on my wife's ass and say, 'How about a blowjob?' ... and she's always sound asleep."

[Davey Boy 2.0]

Schwa checks into a hotel on a business trip and was a bit lonely. He thought of one of those girls you see advertised in phone booths when you're calling for a cab. He popped into a phone booth near the hotel and found an ad for a girl calling herself Erogonique, a lovely girl, bending over in the photo. She had all the right curves in all the right places, beautiful long wavy hair, long graceful legs...... He copied the phone number and returned to his hotel. When back in the room he figures, what the hell, give her a call.

'Hello,' the woman says. God, she sounded sexy.

'Hi, I hear you give a great massage and I'd like you to come to my room and give me one.. No, wait, I should be straight with you. I'm in town all alone and what I really want is sex. I want it hard, I want it hot, and I want it now. Bring implements, toys, rubber, leather, whips, everything you've got in your bag of tricks. We'll go hot and heavy all night; tie me up, cover me in chocolate syrup and whipped cream, anything you want! Now, how does that sound?'

She says, 'That sounds fantastic, but you need to press 9 for an outside line '

[Schwa.]

hahaha, i really like this one:

It got crowded in heaven, so, for one day it was decided only to accept people who had really had a bad day on the day they died. St. Peter was standing at the pearly gates and said to the first man, "Tell me about the day you died."

The man said, "Oh, it was awful. I was sure my wife was having an affair, so I came home early to catch her with him. I searched all over the apartment but couldn't find him anywhere. So I went out onto the balcony, we live on the 25th floor, and found this man hanging over the edge by his fingertips. I went inside, got a hammer, and started hitting his hands. He fell, but landed in some bushes. So, I got the refrigerator and pushed it over the balcony and it crushed him. The strain of the act gave me a heart attack, and I died."

St. Peter couldn't deny that this was a pretty bad day, and since it was a crime of passion, he let the man in.

He then asked the next man in line about the day he died. "Well, sir, it was awful," said the second man. "I was doing aerobics on the balcony of my 26th floor apartment when I twisted my ankle and slipped over the edge. I managed to grab the balcony of the apartment below, but some maniac came out and started pounding on my fingers with a hammer. Luckily I landed in some bushes. But, then the guy dropped a refrigerator on me!"

St. Peter chuckled, let him into heaven and decided he could really start to enjoy this job.

Finally he comes to Davey Boy standing in line. "Tell me about the day you died?", he said to Davey Boy.

"OK, picture this, I'm naked, hiding inside a refrigerator...."

[Hal Johnson]

Booche, Schwa., and Davey Boy go to a ski lodge, and there aren't enough rooms, so they have to share a bed. In the middle of the night, Booche, on the right, wakes up and says, "I had this wild, vivid dream of getting a hand job!" Davey Boy, on the left, wakes up, and unbelievably, he's had the same dream, too. Then Schwa., in the middle, wakes up and says, "That's funny, I dreamed I was skiing!"

[AD]

true story

[Davey Boy 2.0]

Schwa’s dad and three of his buddies go out to play golf one sunny morning. Schwa’s dad is detained in the clubhouse and the other three are start discussing their children while walking to the first tee.

"My son," says Hal’s dad, "has made quite a name for himself in the home- building industry. He began as a carpenter, but now owns his own design and construction firm. He's so successful in fact, in the last year he was able to give a good friend a brand new home as a gift."

AD’s dad, not to be outdone, starts to talk about how his son began his career as a car salesman, but now owns a multi-line dealership. "He's so successful, in fact, in the last six months he gave a friend of his two brand new cars as a gift."

bagochips’ dad listens to all this, and then starts to brag about his son and how he had worked his way up through a stock brokerage and in the last few weeks has given a good friend a large stock portfolio as a gift.

As Schwa’s dad arrives at the tee box, another tells him that they have been discussing the successes of their sons and asks what line his son is in.

"To tell the truth, I'm not very pleased with how my son has turned out," he replies. "For fifteen years, he's been a hairdresser, and I've just recently discovered he's a practicing homosexual. But, on the bright side, he must be good at what he does because his last three boyfriends have given him a brand new house, two cars, and a big pile of stock certificates."

Edited November 18, 2008 by Guest
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