So Schwa. walks into a library...

[Schwa.]

One day Davey Boy and a woman were in their bedroom making love. All of a sudden a bumble bee entered the bedroom window. As the young lady parted her legs the bee entered her vagina. The woman started screaming, "Oh my god, help me, there's a bee in my vagina!".

Davey Boy immediately took her to the local doctor and explained the situation. The doctor thought for a moment and said, "Hmm, tricky situation. But I have a solution to the problem if young sir would permit".

Davey Boy being very concerned agreed that the doctor could use whatever method to get the bee out of his wife's vagina. The doctor said "OK, what I'm gonna do is rub some honey over the top of my penis and insert it into your wife's vagina. When I feel the bee getting closer to the tip of my dick I shall withdraw it and the bee should hopefully follow my penis out of your wife's vagina."

Davey Boy nodded and gave his approval. The young lady said "Yes, yes, whatever, just get on with it."

So the doctor, after covering the tip of his penis with honey, inserted it into the young lady's vagina. After a few gentle strokes, the doctor said, "I don't think the bee has noticed the honey yet. Perhaps I should go a bit deeper".

So the doctor went deeper and deeper. After a while the doctor began shafting the young lady very hard indeed. The young lady began to quiver with excitement, she began to moan and groan aloud, "Oh doctor, doctor!" she shouted. The doctor, concentrating very hard, looked like he was enjoying himself.

He then put his hands on the young lady's breasts and started making loud noises.

Davey Boy at this point suddenly became very annoyed and shouted. "Now wait a minute, what the hell do you think you're doing?!" he blasted.

The doctor, still concentrating, replied: "Change of plan, I'm gonna drown the bastard!!"

[Davey Boy 2.0]

Schwa just got married, and being a traditional sort, he was still a virgin. So, on his wedding night, staying at Hal’s house, he was nervous. But Hal reassured him. "Don't worry, Schwa. Tony's a good man. Go upstairs, and he'll take care of you." So up he went. When he got upstairs, Tony took off his shirt and exposed his hairy chest.

Schwa runs downstairs to Hal and says, "Hal, Hal, Tony's got a big hairy chest." "Don't worry, Schwa", says Hal, "All good men have hairy chests. Go upstairs. He'll take good care of you."

So, up he went again. When he got up in the bedroom, Tony took off his pants exposing his hairy legs. Again Schwa ran downstairs to Hal.

"Hal, Hal, Tony took off his pants, and he's got hairy legs!" "Don't worry. All good men have hairy legs. Tony's a good man. Go upstairs, and he'll take good care of you." So, up he went again. When he got up there, Tony took off his socks, and on his left foot he was missing three toes. When Schwa saw this, he ran downstairs. "Hal, Hal, Tony's got a foot and a half!"

"Stay here and finish cooking dinner", says Hal. "This is a job for Hal!

[Schwa.]

One day in class the teacher brought a bag full of fruit. "Now class, I'm going to reach into the bag and describe a piece of fruit, and you tell what fruit I'm talking about. Okay, first: it's round, plumb and red."

Of course, the little shit disturber Davey Boy raised his hand high, but the teacher, wisely ignored him and picked Deborah, who promptly answered "An apple." The teacher replied, "No Deborah, it's a beet, but I like your thinking." Now for the second. It's soft, fuzzy, and colored red and brownish."

Well, Davey Boy is hopping up and down in his seat trying to get the teacher to call on him. But she skips him again and calls on Billy. "Is it a peach?" Billy asks. "No, Billy, I'm afraid it's a potato. But I like your thinking," the teacher replies. Here's another: it's long, yellow, and fairly hard."

By now Davey Boy is about to explode as he waves his hand frantically. The teacher skips him again and calls on Sally. "A banana," she says. "No," the teacher replies, "it's a squash, but I like your thinking."

Little Davey Boy is irritated now, so he speaks up loudly. "Hey, I've got one for you teacher; let me put my hand in my pocket. Okay, I've got it: it's round, hard, and it got a head on it." "Davey!" she cries. "That's disgusting!" "Nope," answers Davey, "it's a quarter, but I like your thinking!"

[Booche]

Schwa walks into a store and purchases the following:

1 issue of Felchers First

1 box of razor blades

2 balls of twine

Season 2 of Entourage on dvd

1 set of plastic gloves

1 stick of butter

12 grapes on a single vine

1 Hungry Man BaconGravy Coated Chicken meal

6 Zima’s

1 live turtle

1 tube of Preparation H

1 peach pie

Cashier: Oh, you must be single

Schwa: You can tell that by what I bought????

Cashier: No, you're fucking ugly!

[Schwa.]

Booche and Sally were in their bedroom and Sally says to her boyfriend, 'I wish I had bigger tits'. Booche says 'well what I recommend is to get some toilet tissue and rub it between your tits for 2 months'. 'How will that help to make my tits bigger?' asks Sally.

'Well it worked for your ass'

Sorry Douglas! needed a girl with a sense of humour there and you fit the bill

[Davey Boy 2.0]

So Hal and Schwa are sick of working 9-5 every day and decide that they're going to get in on the porn making business.

They take out an ad in the local paper asking for male erotic film actors to come out for auditions on the following saturday. Saturday rolls around and there is a lineup down the block at 7:30 in the morning.

Hal takes one look at this and tells Schwa. "Damn, looks like it's going to be a long day. Now I wish we hadn't ordered those hot curries for dinner last night" Schwa replies, "You telling me, I'm going to need at least one more tube of K-Y"

Edited November 19, 2008 by Guest

[phishtaper]

So Hal and Schwa are sick of working 9-5 every day and decide that they're going to get in on the porn making business.

They take out an ad in the local paper asking for male erotic film actors to come out for auditions on the following saturday. Saturday rolls around and there is a lineup down the block at 7:30 in the morning.

Hal takes one look at this and tells Schwa. "Damn, looks like it's going to be a long day. Now I wish we hadn't ordered those hot curries for dinner last night" Schwa replies, "You telling me, I'm going to need at least one more tube of K-Y"

Judges Alice Parker and Carol Wright look at fellow judge Debbie Dallas with disgust. "It just wasn't funny", said Parker. Dallas, a former adult film star, was overheard after the competition saying, "Any joke that mentions KY is always a good joke". Wright could not be reached for comment.

[Schwa.]

After the Great Britain Beer Festival, in London, all the brewery presidents decided to go out for a beer.

The guy from Corona sits down and says, "Hey Senor, I would like the world's best beer, a Corona." The bartender dusts off a bottle from the shelf and gives it to him.

The guy from Budweiser says, "I'd like the best beer in the world, give me 'The King Of Beers', a Budweiser." The bartender gives him one.

The guy from Coors says, "I'd like the only beer made with Rocky Mountain spring water, give me a Coors." He gets it.

Davey Boy, the president from Creemore Springs sits down and says, "Give me a Coke." The bartender is a little taken aback, but gives him what he ordered.

The other brewery presidents look over at him and ask "Why aren't you drinking a Creemore?" and Davey Boy replies, "Well, I figured if you guys aren't drinking beer, neither would I."

[Davey Boy 2.0]

Why does Schwa. like dating twenty nine year olds?

There's twenty of them

[Schwa.]

Davey Boy and Luther were talking one afternoon when Davey Boy tells Luther, "Ya know, I reckon I'm 'bout ready for a vacation. Only this year I'm gonna do it a little different. The last few years, I took your advice about where to go.

Three years ago you said to go to Hawaii. I went to Hawaii and Betty Sue got pregnant.

Then two years ago, you told me to go to the Bahamas, and Betty Sue got pregnant again.

Last year you suggested Tahiti and darned if Betty Sue didn't get pregnant again."

Luther asks Davey Boy, "So, what you gonna do this year that's different?"

Davey Boy says, "This year I'm taking Betty Sue with me."

[Davey Boy 2.0]

So one day Schwa. calls up Hal, in a huff. "Hal hal, the craziest thing happened to me last night! I was abducted by aliens, taken to their space craft and anal probed"

Hal, in a calming voice, "Schwa.! Relax dude, take a deep breath. You told me yesterday that you were looking for things to do for the night– are you sure about this, do you have any evidence that we can take to the police? "

Schwa. tries to calm down a bit and takes stock "Well no, not exactly. It's not like I had a camera or anything"

Hal "Well then I'm going to ask you a few questions to make sure you haven't completely lost your mind"

Schwa "Alright"

Hal "What's your full name?"

Schwa duly obliges

Hal "What's your favourite colour?"

Schwa tells him red.

Hal "What's the date today?"

Schwa "November 1st"

Hal "What bar did you go to?"

Schwa "Well I was just walking by it last night and went in coz I thought the music sounded very danceable... I think it was called the Rainbow Manhole"

Hal "I'll call the news station"

[Davey Boy 2.0]

Schwa wakes up next to a penguin one day and doesn't have a clue what to do with it. So he throws it in the car and drives to work, as he's already late.

On the way in the gate, Hal the security officer sees the penguin and asks wtf?

Schwa: "I have no idea where it came from or what to do with it."

"Take it to the zoo" Hal suggests. So Schwa does a u-turn and takes it to the zoo.

Schwa bumps into Hal again the next morning on his day off. "Why is that penguin on your shoulders carrying a balloon?" Hal says, pointing at the penguin still in Schwa's care. "I thought you took him to the zoo"

"I did, but we had such a good time that I took him to circus this morning"

[Schwa.]

Davey Boy goes to confessional and says to the priest, "Father, I had an affair with a woman... almost." "What do you mean almost?" question the priest. "Well, we got undressed and rubbed together, but then I stopped." "Rubbing together is the same as putting it in," explains the priest. "You're not to go near that woman again. Now, say five Hail Mary's and put $50 in the poor box."

Davey Boy leaves confessional, says his prayers, and then walks over to the poor box. He pauses for a moment and then decides to leave. The priest quickly runs over to him and exclaims, "I saw that... you didn't put any money in the poor box!" "Well Father, I rubbed up against it and, like you said, it's the same as putting it in!"

[Schwa.]

Davey Boy receives a free ticket to the SuperBowl from his company. Unfortunately, when Davey Boy arrives at the stadium, he realizes the seat is in the last row in the corner of the stadium, he's closer to the Goodyear Blimp than the field. About halfway through the first quarter, Davey Boy sees through his binoculars an empty seat 10 rows off the field right on the 50 yardline.

He decides to take a chance and makes his way through the stadium and around the security guards to the empty seat. As he sits down, Davey Boy asks the gentleman sitting next to him, "Excuse me, is anyone sitting here?"

The man says "No."

Now, very excited to be in such a great seat for the game, Davey Boy again inquires of the man next to him, "This is incredible! Who in their right mind would have a seat like this at the SuperBowl and not use it?!"

The man replies, "Well, actually, the seat belongs to me. I was supposed to come with my wife, but she passed away. This is the first SuperBowl we haven't been together at since we got married in 1967."

"Well, that's really sad," said Davey Boy, "but still, you couldn't find anyone to take the seat? A friend or close relative?" "No," the man replies, "They're all at the funeral."

[Davey Boy 2.0]

Little Schwa was sitting in class one day. The teacher announced that the word of the day was "contagious". She asked the class to use it in a sentence and first selected little Hal. "I had a cold last week and my Mom told me to stay home as I was contagious and she didn't want me giving it to the other kids". "Very good Halbert" says the teacher, "How about you, Little AD?" Little AD screws his face up in deep concentration "My uncle wears a mask when he walks around in public coz he doesn't want to pick up anything contagious."

"Good, good", the teacher looks over at Little Schwa, "How about you, Little Schwa?"

Little Schwa replies, "Last night my Mom went out to pick up dinner while my Dad sat watching the game on the couch, after waiting an hour he said, 'Where the hell's my dinner? It's taking that contagious.'"

[Schwa.]

Old Davey Boy worked in a pickle factory. He'd been employed there for years when he came home one day and told his wife he had a terrible compulsion. He had an urge to stick his penis into the pickle slicer.

His wife, terribly concerned, suggested that Davey Boy see a sex therapist to talk about it, but Davey Boy refused - he'd be too embarrassed, he said, and vowed to overcome the compulsion on his own.

So a few weeks later, Davey Boy came home one day white-faced. His wife knew something was seriously wrong. "My God, what's wrong?" she asked. Davey looked at her. "Do you remember that I told you how I had this tremendous urge to put my penis into the pickle slicer?"

"Oh Davey, you didn't," she moaned, horrified.

"Yes, I did," replied Davey.

"My God, Davey, what happened?"

"I got fired."

"No, Davey, I mean what happened with the pickle slicer?"

"Oh, she got fired too."

[AD]

Little Schwa was sitting in class one day. The teacher announced that the word of the day was "contagious". She asked the class to use it in a sentence and first selected little Hal. "I had a cold last week and my Mom told me to stay home as I was contagious and she didn't want me giving it to the other kids". "Very good Halbert" says the teacher, "How about you, Little AD?" Little AD screws his face up in deep concentration "My uncle wears a mask when he walks around in public coz he doesn't want to pick up anything contagious."

"Good, good", the teacher looks over at Little Schwa, "How about you, Little Schwa?"

Little Schwa replies, "Last night my Mom went out to pick up dinner while my Dad sat watching the game on the couch, after waiting an hour he said, 'Where the hell's my dinner? It's taking that contagious.'"

Way to recycle. . *sigh* I thought you were better than that.

[Davey Boy 2.0]

DOH!

[Davey Boy 2.0]

actually that's not the first one that's been recycled frm that thread

sigh

Schwa and a woman are in a lift, making eye contact every now and then.

"Can I smell your pussy?" he asks.

"No, you certainly cannot," she replies.

"Oh, it must be your feet then"

[Schwa.]

Davey Boy is out on the golf course takes a high speed ball right in the crotch. Writhing in agony, he falls to the ground. When he finally gets himself to the doctor, he says," How bad is it doc? I'm going on my honeymoon next week and my fiancée is still a virgin in every way and she's saving herself for me."

The doc said , "I'll have to put your penis in a splint to let it heal and keep it straight. It should be okay next week." So he took four tongue depressors and formed a neat little four-sided bandage, and wired it all together; an impressive work of art.

Davey Boy mentions none of this to his girl, marries, and on his honeymoon night in the motel room, she rips open her blouse to reveal a gorgeous set of breasts. This was the first time Davey had seen them. She says, "You'll be the first, no one has ever touched these breasts."

Davey Boy then whips down his pants and says, "Look at this, it's still in the CRATE!"

[Davey Boy 2.0]

So Schwa and Hal out driving around the bad part of town, looking for a little action. They drive past a prossie holding a sign reading "2 for 1 recession special". They screech to a halt and pile the prossie into the car.

"So here's how it's going to work, one of you gets it doggie the other gets to enjoy a fantastic BJ, all for $50. Who wants what?" she says

Schwa. replies, "Oh I'll hold out for BJ, do we have to go pick him up?"

[Davey Boy 2.0]

An American hunter was having very bad luck out in the woods near Kitchener, not bagging anything. After five dismal days he finally shot at a duck and saw it fall far off. He tramped through the bush and found it had landed in the back yard of a home in the middle of nowhere. He climbed over a rail fence and was about to retrieve the bird when Schwa looked out his window and saw the wet and bedraggled hunter. "What are you doing sir?" Schwa asked the hunter.

"Gettin' my duck," said the Yank.

"Well now I figure it's my bird, seeing as it's in my yard," says a bemused Schwa.

"Oh God!" said the Yank, "I tracked over miles of awful bush, was lost, hungry, tired, soaked, you name it. I shot this bird. Can't I just take it and go?"

"Wellâ€, says Schwa, who didn't like big smart Yankee hunters much, "tell you what I'll do. We'll fight for it."

"Fight for it? You kiddin'?" asks the Yank.

"I'll give you a sporting chance," says Schwa. Here's the rules. One of us bends over and the other kicks him in the arse, real hard. Who ever kicks the farthest gets the bird. Deal?" The Yank figures he's bigger and has a winning chance, so he agrees. "I'll go first, seeing as it's my yard," says Schwa. "Bend over, boy."

The Yank complies. Schwa halls off and boots the hapless hunter, sending him face first into a manure pile. He splutters to his feet, wipes his face off, then says, hopefully, "Okay, your turn."

Schwa scratches his head, contemplates, then says, "Nah… you take the bird and go, I don't like duck anyway."

[Schwa.]

A female reporter was conducting an interview with Davey Boy the dairy farmer about Mad Cow Disease. "Mr. Boy, do you have any idea what might be the cause of the disease?" "Sure. Do you know the bulls only screw the cows once a year?" "Umm, sir, that is a new piece of information, but what's the relationship between this and Mad Cow?" Davey Boy replies "And did you know we milk the cows twice a day?" "Mr. Boy, that's interesting, but, what's the point?" Davey Boy politely replies, "Lady, the point is this: if I'm playing with your tits twice a day, but only screwing you once a year, wouldn't you go mad, too?"

[Davey Boy 2.0]

Schwa walks into a high class bar wearing a dress shirt open at the collar, and is met by a bouncer who tells him he must wear a necktie to gain admission. So Schwa goes out to his car and he looks around for a necktie, and discovers that he just doesn't have one.

He sees a set of jumper cables in his trunk. In desperation he ties these around his neck, manages to fashion a fairly acceptable looking knot, and lets the ends dangle free. He goes back to the restaurant and the bouncer carefully looks him over and then says, "Well, OK, I guess you can come in - just don't start anything."

[Schwa.]

Davey Boy goes into a drug store and asks the cashier for some condoms. The cashier asks, "What size?"

Davey Boy replies, "Size? I didn't know they came in sizes."

"Yes, they do," she says, "What size do you want?"

"Well, gee, I don't know," Davey Boy answers.

The lady is used to this, and always very horny. She tells him to go behind the store and measure his dick by sticking it into each of the three holes in the fence. While Davey Boy is back there, the lady sneaks around to the other side of the fence and bends over in front of each hole as the man tests it. When they return, the cashier asks, "What will it be? Small, medium, or large?"

Davey Boy replies, "To hell with the rubbers, give me a hundred feet of that fence back there!"