So Schwa. walks into a library...

[Davey Boy 2.0]

Little Schwa is in class one day and the teacher was talking to the students about what they wanted to be when they grew up.

Little Hal went first, "My Dad is an electrician, my grandpa was an electrician. I'm going to be an electrician too."

Little AD was next up, "My grandfather was a general in the army and raised me from the day I was born. I'm going to be in the army too"

Little Schwa followed "I'm going to be an astronaut"

The teacher waited a moment and asked "Why little Schwa, I had no idea! What makes you want to be an astronaut?"

Little Schwa replied, "Well my Dad's never been in a rocket ship but every night he tells me it's time for bed coz he and Mom have some space docking to do"

[Schwa.]

A professor at a university is giving a lecture on the supernatural. To get a feel for his audience, he asks: “How many people here believe in ghosts?†About 40 students raise their hands.

“Well that’s a good start. Out of those of you who believe in ghosts, do any of you think you’ve ever seen a ghost?†About 20 students raise their hands.

“I’m really glad you take this seriously. Has anyone here ever talked to a ghost?†15 students raise their hands.

“That’s a great response.†“Has anyone here ever touched a ghost?†3 students raise their hands.

“That’s fantastic.†“But let me ask you one question further… Have any of you ever made love to a ghost?†One student in a soccer jersey and shit eating grin way in the back raises his hand. The professor is astonished. He takes off his glasses, and says,

“Son, all the years I’ve been giving this lecture, no one has ever claimed to have slept with a ghost. You’ve got to come up here and tell us about your experience.†The limey student complies with a nod and a grin, and begins to make his way up to the podium. The professor says, “Well, tell us what it’s like to have sex with a ghost.†The student replies, “Ghost?!? Sh**it. From baaack there it sounded like you said ‘goats!’â€.

[Davey Boy 2.0]

A woman brings eight-year-old Schwa home and tells his mother that he was caught playing doctors and nurses with Hal, her eight-year-old son.

Schwa's mother says, "Let's not be too harsh on them... they're bound to be curious about sex at that age."

"Curious about sex?" replies Hal's mother, "He's taken Hal's fucking appendix out!"

[Davey Boy 2.0]

Little Schwa and his family are driving behind a garbage truck when a dildo flies out and thumps against the windscreen.

Embarrassed, and to spare her young son's innocence, the mother turns around and says, "Don't worry Little Schwa; that was an insect."

To which, Little Schwa replies, "I'm surprised it could get off the ground with a cock like that."

Edited November 26, 2008 by Guest
level 2 softie

[Davey Boy 2.0]

Schwa was cheating on his girlfriend with his secretary.

One day, their passions overcame them and they took off for her house, where they made passionate love all afternoon. Exhausted from the wild sex, they fell asleep, awakening around 8pm. As Schwa threw on his clothes, he told the woman to take his shoes outside and rub them through the grass and dirt. Mystified, she nonetheless complied. He slipped into his shoes and drove home.

"Where have you been?" demanded his GF when he entered the house.

"Darling, I can't lie to you. I've been cheating on you with my secretary and we've been having sex all afternoon. I fell asleep and didn't wake up until eight o'clock."

His GF glanced down at his shoes and said, "You lying bastard! You've been playing golf!"

[Schwa.]

One day a man was waking along the beach when he tripped over a lamp. He turned around and kicked the lamp out of anger. A few seconds later, AngryBooche the genie popped out of the lamp and man was he pissed.

Reluctantly, AngryBooche said, "Even though you kicked me, I still have to give you three wishes. However because of what you did, I will also give twice what you wish for to the person you hate the most: your boss."

So the man agreed and made his first wish. "I want lots of money", he said. Instantly 22 million dollars appear in the man's bank account and 44 million appeared in his boss' account.

For his second wish, the man wished for a couple of sports cars. Instantly a Lambergini, Ferrari and a Porsche appeared, but at the same time outside his boss' house AngryBooche put two of each car.

Finally AngryBooche said, "This is your last wish, you should choose carefully", and so the man replied... "I've always wanted to donate a kidney..."

[c-towns]

why would you wish for cars when you already wished for money? stupid.

[AD]

why would you let a genie choose what car to give? they travel in lamps, they have no idea of cars.

[Schwa.]

yeah fellas, all jokes make sense. i can't believe i actually put that joke down here...THANKS for the heads up, fuck how stupid of me.

Now THAT's snarky.

[AD]

that's exactly what AngryBooche would have said

[c-towns]

you are forgiven for the WWAGD in Rich Staduim

[Davey Boy 2.0]

What does Schwa. call a Frenchman in beach shoes?

Phillipe Phillope

[Davey Boy 2.0]

2 nuns on bikes pass Schwa going down a cobblestone street.

One says to the other 'Ooo, I've never come this way before...'

And the other one says; 'Yes, there's a detour because of the road work a block over'.

[Schwa.]

Davey Boy walks into a bar carrying a moving box, and he says to the bartender "If I show you the coolest thing you've ever seen, will you give me a free beer?" And the bartender says, "Well, sure, but I've seen some pretty cool things in my life, so as long as it tops that, you get a free beer." So Davey Boy puts his box on top of the bar and opens it, and inside there's a little man playing a piano. Now the bartender says, "Woah, that's so amazing, where did you get that guy? Here's your beer" And Davey Boy says "Well, I ran into this lamp here," and he pulls out the lamp, "and I rubbed it, and the genie gave me this" Now the bartender is so amazed and he says "Dude, can I try it?" And the guy lets him, and the bartender rubs the lamp and the genie pops out and gives him the three wishes schpiel and the bartender says "Okay, I wish for a million bucks" And right away, a million ducks appear in the bar, and through the ducks, the bartender says "You didnt tell me this genie was hard of hearing!" and Davey Boy takes a sip of his beer and says "Yeah, I didn't wish for a ten inch pianist either."

[Davey Boy 2.0]

Schwa's waiting in line at the grocery store and sees this busty blonde staring at him, he can't believe she is staring at him, then she starts waving.

"Excuse me do I know you?" he asks.

"Yes I think you are the father of one of my kids" she says.

Schwa thinks back and tries to remember her, says "F**king hell are you the girl I shagged at Hal's stag party, whilst your friend whipped me and that other girl stuck a brush up my ass?"

"No" she replies "I'm your son's English teacher!"

[Davey Boy 2.0]

Farmer Hal got out of his car and while heading for his friend's door, noticed a pig with a wooden leg. His curiosity roused, he asked, "Schwa, how'd that pig get him a wooden leg?"

"Well, Hal, that's a mighty special pig! A while back a wild boar attacked me while I was walking in the woods. That pig there came a runnin', went after that boar and chased him away. Saved my life!"

"And the boar tore up his leg?"

"No he was fine after that. But a bit later we had that fire. Started in the shed up against the barn. Well, that ole pig started squealin' like he was stuck, woke us up, and 'fore we got out here, the darn thing had herded the other animals out of the barn and saved 'em all!"

"So that's when he hurt his leg, huh, Schwa?"

"No, Hal. He was a might winded, though. When my tractor hit a rock and rolled down the hill into the pond I was knocked clean out. When I came to, that pig had dove into the pond and dragged me out 'fore I drownded. Sure did save my life."

"And that was when he hurt his leg?"

"Oh no, he was fine. Cleaned him up, too."

"OK, Schwa. So just tell me. How did he get the wooden leg?"

"Well", Schwa. tells him, "A pig like that, you don't want to eat all at once!"

[Schwa.]

There once was a farmer named Davey Boy who was raising three daughters on his own. He was very concerned about their well being and always did his best to watch out for them. As they entered the late teens, the girls dated, and on this particular evening all three of his girls were going out on a date.

This was the first time this had occurred. As was Davey Boy's custom, he would greet the young suitor at the door holding his shotgun, not to menace or threaten but merely to ensure that the young man knew who was boss.

The doorbell rang and the first of the boys arrived. Davey Boy answered the door and the lad said, "Hi, my name's Joe. I'm here for Flo. We're going to the show, is she ready to go?" Davey Boy looked him over and sent the kids on their way.

The next lad arrived and said, "My name's Eddie. I'm here for Betty. We're gonna get some spaghetti. Is she ready?" Davey Boy felt this one was okay too, so off the two kids went.

The final young man arrived and Davey Boy opened the door. The boy started off, "Hi, my name's Chuck.....((BANG!))" Davey shot him.

[Davey Boy 2.0]

Father Schwa walks into the convent and sees Sister Rosemary washing the kitchen floor. He's overcome with desire and pushes her onto the ground. As he's shagging her the Rev Mother comes in.

"SISTER ROSEMARY!!!" she roars "Have some respect. Arch your back girl and keep Father Schwa's balls off the wet floor!!"

[geomouse]

Schwa's walking by the convent late one evening when he's overcome with desire. He sees a nun rushing along the garden path. After a long and winded chase, he finally corners the frightened lass and has his way with her. As he buttons up his fly he asks her, "So what will you tell the Almighty Father now?"

She replies, " I must tell the truth. I will tell Him that I was rushing home to the convent when I was overcome by a ravenous sociopath who raped me twice...unless you're tired."

[Davey Boy 2.0]

Schwa. was battered & bruised due to an accident was laying in a hospital bed.

He was wearing an oxygen mask and as the nurse walks past he mumbles "Are my testicles black?"

The nurse confused asks "Excuse me sir?"

Again Schwa. mumbles "Are my testicles black?"

Being that the nurse was true to her job she thought what the hey, I'll have a look. So she removes Schwa's cover, gets his growlers in her hands and has a good and thorough look. "They seems fine sir" she replies.

Schwa with a big smile on his face removes his oxygen mask and says "that's all well and good sweetheart but are my test results back?

[Davey Boy 2.0]

Schwa's Mom is in the bath when there's a knock at the door.

"Who is it?" asks Schwa's Mom

"It's the blind man" croaks the voice

Schwa's Mom thinks, he's blind, he can't see anything, probably just wants a chat. "Come in" she says

"Nice tits, Sweetheart, where do you want your blinds?"

[Schwa.]

Ebonics Christmas

'Twas da night befo' Christmas & all in the hood,

Not a homie was stirring cuz it was all good.

The tube socks was hung on the window sill

and we all had smiles up on our grill.

Mookie and BeBe was snug in the crib

in the back bedroom, cuz that's how we live.

And Moms in her do-rag and me with my nine,

had just gotten busy cuz girlfriend is fine.

All of a sudden a lowrider rolled by,

Bumpin' phat beats cuz the system's fly.

I bounced to the window at a quarter pas'

'Bout ready to pop a cap in somebody's ass!

well anyway....

I yelled to my lady, Yo peep this!

She said, Stop frontin' & just mind yo' bidness.

I said, for real doe, come check dis out.

We weren't even buggin', no worries, no doubt.

Cuz bumpin' an thumpin' from around da way

Was Santa, 8 reindeer and a sleigh.

Da beats was kickin', da ride was phat

I said, "Yo red Dawg, you all that!"

He threw up a sign and yelled to his boyz,

"Ay yo, give it up, let's make some noise!"

To the top of the projects & across the strip mall,

We gots ta go, I got a booty call!"

He pulled up his ride on the top a da roof,

and sippin' on a 40, he busted a move.

I yelled up to Santa, "Yo ain't got no stack!"

he said, "Damn homie, deese projects is wack!

But don't worry black, cuz I gots da skillz

I learnt back when I hadda pay da billz."

Out from his bag he pulled 3 small tings

a credit card, a knife, and a bobby pin.

He slid down the fire exscape smoove as a cat,

and busted the window wit' a b-ball bat.

I said, "Whassup, Santa? Whydya bust my place?"

he said,"You best get on up out my face!"

His threads was all leatha, his chains was all gold,

His sneaks was Puma and they was 5 years old.

He dropped down the duffle, Bulls logo on the side.

Santa broke out da loot and my mouf popped open wide.

A wink of his eye and a shine off his gold toof,

He cabbage patched his way back onto the roof

He jumped in his hooptie wit' rims made of chrome,

To tap that big booty waitin' at home.

And all I heard as he cruised outta sight,

was a loud and hearty.....

"WEEESST SIIIIDE!!!!"

[Davey Boy 2.0]

The Kitchener-Waterloo Symphony was performing Beethoven's Ninth. In the piece, there's a long passage--about 20 minutes--during which the bass players have nothing to do. Rather than sit around that whole time looking stupid, Schwa, Hal and some of their fellow some bass players decided to sneak offstage and go to the tavern next door for a quick one. After slamming several beers in quick succession, one of them looked at his watch. "Hey! We need to get back!"

No need to panic," said Schwa. "I thought we might need some extra time, so I tied the last few pages of the conductor's score together with string. It'll take him a few minutes to get it untangled."

A few moments later they staggered back to the concert hall and took their places in the orchestra. About this time, a member of the audience noticed the conductor seemed a bit edgy and said as much to her companion.

Well, of course," said her companion. Don't you see? It's the bottom of the Ninth, the score is tied, and the basses are loaded."

[Davey Boy 2.0]

Schwa. wakes up from a coma with Hal the doctor beside him.

'I have some Good news and some Bad news' he said

"The bad news is I’ve had to amputate both of your legs"

"The good news is the guy down the hall wants to buy your shoes"

[Schwa.]