So Schwa. walks into a library...

[Davey Boy 2.0]

Schwa goes to see the doctor

'Doctor, I think I'm addicted to brake fluid.'

'Nonsense, you can stop any time'

[Davey Boy 2.0]

So Schwa and his old lady were shopping in WalMart. Schwa picks up a case of Budweiser and puts it in their cart. "What do you think you're doing?" asks his old lady.

"They're on sale, only $10 for 24 cans," he replies.

"Put them back, we can't afford them," demands his old lady, and so they carry on shopping.

A few aisles further on along his old lady picks up a $20 jar of face cream and puts it in their basket. "What do you think you're doing?" asks Schwa.

" It's my face cream. It makes me look beautiful," replies his old lady.

Schwa retorts: "So does 24 cans of Budweiser and its half the price."

On the PA system: "Cleanup needed on aisle 25, we have a man down."

[Schwa.]

Davey Boy spots a nice looking girl in a bar goes up and starts small talk. Seeing that she didn't back off like the women usually do, he asked her name.

"Carmen," she replied.

That's a nice name," he said warming up the conversation. "Who named you, your mother?"

"No, I named myself, she answered.

"Oh, that's interesting. Why Carmen?"

"Because I like cars, and I like men," she said looking directly into his eyes. "So what's your name?" she asked.

Davey Boy replied, "Beersex."

[Schwa.]

One night after St. Patty's Day, Mrs Davey Boy answers the door to see her husbands best friend, AngréBooche, standing on the doorstep,

"Hello Booche, but where is my husband, he went with you to the beer factory" Booche shook his head

"Ah Mrs Davey Boy, there was a terrible accident at the beer factory, your husband fell into a vat of guinness stout and drowned" Mrs Davey Boy starts crying

"Oh don't tell me that, did he at least go quickly?" Booche shakes his head

"Not really, he got out 3 times to pee"

[Davey Boy 2.0]

:thumbup:

[Davey Boy 2.0]

Schwa. lay in hospital covered in bandages head to foot - with just two little slits for his eyes.

'What happened to you?' asked Hal.

'I staggered out of the pub last night and a truck hit me a glancing blow and knocked me through a plate glass window.'

'Feck,' said Hal. 'It's a good job you were wearing those bandages or you'd have been cut to ribbons!'

[Davey Boy 2.0]

So Little Schwa. walks in to the lounge one Sunday morning while his dad is reading the paper.

"Where does poo come from?" he asks.

The father feeling a little perturbed that his 5 year old son is already asking difficult questions thinks for a moment and says:

"Well you know we just ate breakfast?"

"Yes," answers Little Schwa.

"Well the food goes into our tummies and our bodies take out all the good stuff, and then whatever is left over comes out of our bums when we go to the loo, and that is poo."

Little Schwa. looks perplexed, and stares at him in stunned silence for a few seconds and asks: "And Tigger?"

[Davey Boy 2.0]

Schwa's driving happily along in his car with his girlfriend when he's pulled over by the police. The police officer approaches him and asks, "Have you been drinking, Sir?"

"No. Why?" replies Schwa. "Was I all over the road?"

"No," replies the officer, "You were driving splendidly. It was the ugly fat broad in the passenger seat that made me suspicious."

[Davey Boy 2.0]

Apologies, Schwa. this one isn't about you

Camilla bought new shoes for her wedding, which got increasingly tighter around her feet as the night went on.

That night, when the festivities were finally over and they finally retired to their room, she flopped on the bed and said, "Charles darling, please remove my shoes, my feet are absolutely killing me!"

Her ever-obedient Prince of Wales worked on her right shoe with vigour, but it would not budge. "Harder!" yelled Camilla, "Harder!"

Charles yelled back, "I'm trying, my darling! But it's just so blooming tight!"

"Come on, my prince! Give it all you've got!" she cried.

Finally, when the shoe released, Charles let out a loud groan and Camilla exclaimed, "Aaahh! Oh, God, that feels sooo good!"

In their bedroom next door, the Queen said smugly to Prince Phillip, "See? I told you with a face like that, she would still be a virgin!"

Meanwhile, as Charles tried to remove her left shoe, he cried, "Oh, bloody hell, darling! This one's even tighter!"

To which Prince Phillip snorted with laughter and bellowed, "That's ma boy!!! Once a sailor, always a sailor!!!"

[Davey Boy 2.0]

So Schwa. walks into the doctor's, and says, "I've broke my arm in several places." The doctor replies, "Well don't go to those places."

[Davey Boy 2.0]

C-towns had been working out a fair bit lately and he bragged to Schwa, "I bet you $10 I can masturbate with these 5 lb weights strapped to my wrists!"

Schwa looks him up and down and says "I'd like to see you try!"

[Booche]

Schwa - "Doc, I can't stop singing 'The green, green grass of home'."

Doctor - "That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome."

Schwa - "Is it common?"

Doctor - "Well........It's not unusual........."

[Davey Boy 2.0]

I hate it when Schwa. starts harping on about tiny little trivial problems in his life.

I have a friend who lost both his legs and his voicebox in a car crash the other day but he doesn't make a song and dance about it

[Davey Boy 2.0]

Schwa. bought a newt and decided to call it Tiny, C-towns sez to him why have you called it Tiny?

Schwa replies, because it is my newt

[Davey Boy 2.0]

Schwa. told his girlfriend the other day that he suffers from premature ejaculation.

Fair play to her though, she took it on the chin.

[Schwa.]

One night a police officer was staking out a particularly rowdy bar for possible DUI violations. At closing time, he saw Davey Boy tumble out of the bar, trip on the curb, and try his keys in five different cars before he found his. Then he sat in the front seat fumbling around with his keys for several minutes. Everyone else left the bar and drove off. Finally he started his engine and began to pull away. The police officer was waiting for him. He stopped Davey, read him his rights and administered the Breathalyzer test. The results showed a reading of 0.0. The puzzled officer demanded to know how that could be and Davey Boy replied, "Tonight I'm the designated decoy.â€

[Davey Boy 2.0]

I love you, you son of a bitch

Maybe we're both guilty of this but I distinctly remember that one from 2008

onward

[Davey Boy 2.0]

So Schwa. goes to a fancy Italian restaurant, tucks the napkin into the collar of his shirt and asks the waiter "How long is my pasta going to be?"

C-towns sez, "I don't know Sir, we never measure it."

[Schwa.]

Q: What do a Christmas tree and Davey Boy have in common?

A: Their balls are just for decoration.

[Davey Boy 2.0]

Schwa. takes his new wife home on his wedding night. She lies on the bed, spread-eagled, naked, and says, "Schwa.....you know what I want?"

"Yeah....the whole fucking bed by the looks of it!"