A little something for PanséBooche

[Schwa.]

A little something for our newly reformed "PanséBooche"

How to be a Drunk Asshole

By Raymi the Minx

The next time you’re at home preparing a healthy meal for yourself, en route to a good night’s sleep, you might want to consider instead the route of the drunken asshole. Always a crowd pleaser, barrel of laughs and guaranteed good time for all. How might one achieve such stature? Read on, good friend...

Asshole Friends

Be sure to have a slew of your asshole friends around during times of drunkenness. They’re your inspiration and motivation. It is important there be at least one person present to guffaw and laugh real obnoxiously when you say something funny. Without a crowd, your stunts fall prey to being less effective. After all, what’s a play with no audience? Your friends are your followers - you must nurture them. If you don’t have friends, that’s ok. It’s so easy to make a friend for a night at any well-known drinking establishment.

How do you do this? Easy. It’s called alcohol. Go someplace where alcohol is served. Like, a bar. Sit down. Order five of anything that’s to your liking. A pitcher of beer, perhaps. Once you’re on the road to being well soused, it’s time to look for some partners-in-crime.

Don’t know where to look? No problem. Let your eyes trail the room until they settle upon the bar. Usually you’ll find a few good folks proppin’ it up. Aim your body in that direction. Plunk yourself down, mutter something profound at whoever’s closest, raise your glass in the air and clink it against your neighbour's glass. Voila. You have a new friend.

Things to comment on

Be sure to hold nothing back. Offend as many people as possible by discussing sensitive issues like religion, battle of the sexes and/or politics. Ask everyone if they’re racist and when they say no, tell them a horribly offensive joke and when it’s over, high-five your friends whilst laughing hysterically at the joke you just made. Repeat the punch line again, if necessary. Attempt to make as many socially awkward moments as possible. Uncomfortable silences are great opportunities for one to blurt out random, stupid comments.

Make brief, meaningless observations about everything, especially if it’s irrelevant to any part of your life.

For example:

“You know what really gets on my nerves? Velcro.â€

"You know what I hate? Squirrels."

"You know who I think is a real big jerk? David Hasselhoff."

This should really annoy people. Stop in-between stories to order more drinks. When someone fires a retort in your direction be sure to inform them that they’re in the wrong, and slap the table very hard for emphasis. Pointing in their face is great too. Regale everyone with stories about how great you are. Disagree with everything they say, make lewd comments and wisecracks about their appearance, weight, outfit and lifestyle. Be sure to name-call as well. Get your friend(s) in on it.

For example:

“Dude, isn’t Henry a LOSER!? Just look at him!â€

“Yah, LOSER. Ha ha, good one!â€

Make sure you’re both pointing at Henry too. Good. This is effective because it is highly immature and it makes people actually believe that Henry is in fact, a loser. And you come out looking like an obnoxious, drunk dickhead. Which is exactly what we want. It’s genius. They’ll be congratulating you all night long.

Upping the ante

Be sure to hit on as many people in the same vicinity as possible. Try and find someone who has a boyfriend/girlfriend and make sure you get caught in the act. If you’re ballsy, make a couple ass-grabs. Stare rudely at someone if they have an obvious deformity. Single out the insecure ones and put them on the spot by asking inappropriate questions. Get someone to buy you a drink and then give it to one of your friends or smash it on the floor.

Buy a round of shots for everyone at the bar except for one person. Like that Henry guy you called a loser previously. Don’t buy him a shot. Then, get everyone you did buy a shot for to count to five together real loud and then take your shots at the same time. This will make Henry feel sad and left out. Then you should speak up and make sure it’s loud enough for Henry to hear you say,

“Boy, that was the best shot I ever had. Don’t ya’ll agree?â€

This will make Henry feel even more sad and left out. Ha ha.

Wear one of those T-shirts with a vulgar comment on it like:

*

Bite me

*

I fuÇked your mother

*

Eat sh!t and die

Sarcasm

Sarcasm is an easy way to get your asshole point across. It’s the lowest form of humour, feeding off of other people’s comments. It’s a no-brainer and always so nasty.

For example:

“Yah Henry, I looooove talking to you soooo much. Because I think you’re soooo smart.â€

Top 5 Rules of asshole drunkenness

1. It’s always your turn to talk

2. You are always right

3. You are the most intelligent person in the room

4. Nothing you do is stupid.

5. Know when to get the fuÇk out of there because you’ve offended too many people and they outnumber your drunken ass.

Congratulations. You’re an asshole and I’m drunk.

[Davey Boy 2.0]

you lost me at Hasselhoff

[Schwa.]

that'll happen.

[Davey Boy 2.0]

actually now that i've managed to set aside my disdain over disparaging the Hoff and have read the rest of it, I'm a little worried that this diatribe has snuck into my unconscious mind and might be released at an inopportune moment

[Schwa.]

...I'm a little worried that this diatribe has snuck into my unconscious mind and might be released at an inopportune moment

my work is done. I have a weird urge to call everyone Henry now.

[Esau.]

I've been a drunk asshole for years.

[Patchoulia]

Modern Drunkard magazine, right Schwa?

[Davey Boy 2.0]

'Some schools have counsellors to settle disputes between students. But South Oak Cliff high school in Dallas preferred another, more direct method: bare-knuckle fighting inside a steel cage. According to a 2008 report obtained by the Dallas Morning News, staff at the school sanctioned the use of "the cage" - a section of the boys' changing room barricaded by wire mesh and steel lockers - to settle disputes and bring unruly students under control.

'In one incident, according to the report compiled by the local school district, the school principal at the time, Donald Moten, told staff to place two fighting pupils, "in the cage and let 'em duke it out". On another occasion, according to the report, a member of the school's security staff tried to fight a student in the cage, but the principal intervened.

'The incidents are alleged to have taken place between 2003 and 2005. According to the report, the principal, school security staff and other employees, "knew of the practice, allowed it to go on for a time, and failed to report it". Frank Hammond, a counsellor at the school who was dismissed and has since filed a whistle-blower lawsuit, said: "It was gladiator-style entertainment for the staff. They were taking these boys downstairs to fight. And it was sanctioned by the principal and security" - The Guardian

[Velvet]

That's how things worked at my school, except with the mesh wire.

Ah, the horrific old days!

[Booche]

TLDR