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Guide to Pooping at Work


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HOW TO POOP AT WORK

We've all been there but don't like to admit it. As

much as we try to convince ourselves otherwise, the

WORKPOOP is inevitable. For those who hate pooping at

work, following is the Survival Guide for taking a

dump at work.

CROP DUSTING

When farting, you walk briskly around the office so

the smell is not in your area and everyone else gets a

whiff but doesn't know where it came from.

Be careful when you do this. Do not stop until the

full fart has been expelled. Walk an extra 30 feet to

make sure the smell has left your pants.

FLY BY

The act of scouting out a bathroom before pooping.

Walk in and check for other poopers. If there are

others in the bathroom, leave and come back again. Be

careful not to become a FREQUENT FLYER. People may

become suspicious if they catch you constantly going

into the bathroom.

ESCAPEE

A fart that slips out while taking a leak at the

urinal or forcing a poop in a stall. This is usually

accompanied by a sudden wave of embarrassment.

If you release an escapee, do not acknowledge it.

Pretend it did not happen. If you are standing next to

the farter in the urinal, pretend you did not hear it.

No one likes an escapee. It is uncomfortable for all

involved. Making a joke or laughing makes both parties

feel uneasy.

JAILBREAK

When forcing a poop, several farts slip out at a

machine gun pace. This is usually a side effect of

diarrhea or a hangover. If this should happen, do not

panic. Remain in the stall until everyone has left the

bathroom to spare everyone the awkwardness of what

just occurred.

COURTESY FLUSH

The act of flushing the toilet the instant the poop

hits the water. This reduces the amount of air time

the poop has to stink up the bathroom. This can help

you avoid being caught doing the WALK OF SHAME.

WALK OF SHAME

Walking from the stall, to the sink, to the door after

you have just stunk up the bathroom. This can be a

very uncomfortable moment if someone walks in and

busts you. As with farts, it is best to pretend that

the smell does not exist. Can be avoided with the use

of the COURTESY FLUSH.

OUT OF THE CLOSET POOPER

A colleague who poops at work and is damn proud of it.

You will often see an Out Of The Closet Pooper enter

the bathroom with a newspaper or magazine under his or

her arm. Always look around the office for the Out Of

The Closet Pooper before entering the bathroom.

THE POOPING FRIENDS NETWORK (P.F.N)

A group of co-workers who band together to ensure

emergency pooping goes off without incident. This

group can help you to monitor the whereabouts of Out

Of the Closet Poopers, and identify SAFE HAVENS.

SAFE HAVENS

A seldom used bathroom somewhere in the building where

you can least expect visitors. Try floors that are

predominantly of the opposite sex. This will reduce

the odds of a pooper of your sex entering the

bathroom.

TURD BURGLAR

Someone who does not realize that you are in the stall

and tries to force the door open. This is one of the

most shocking and vulnerable moments that can occur

when taking a poop at work. If this occurs, remain in

the stall until the Turd Burglar leaves. This way you

will avoid all uncomfortable eye contact.

CAMO-COUGH

A phony cough that alerts all new entrants into the

bathroom that you are in a stall. This can be used to

cover-up a WATERMELON, or to alert potential Turd

Burglars. Very effective when used in conjunction with

an ASTAIRE.

ASTAIRE

A subtle toe-tap that is used to alert potential Turd

Burglars that you are occupying a stall. This will

remove all doubt that the stall is occupied. If you

hear an Astaire, leave the bathroom immediately so the

pooper can poop in peace.

WATERMELON

A poop that creates a loud splash when hitting the

toilet water. This is also an embarrassing incident.

If you feel a Watermelon coming on, create a

diversion. See CAMO-COUGH.

HAVANA OMELET

A case of diarrhea that creates a series of loud

splashes in the toilet water. Often accompanied by an

Escapee. Try using a Camo-Cough with an Astaire.

UNCLE TED

A bathroom user who seems to linger around forever.

Could spend extended lengths of time in front of the

mirror or sitting on the pot. An Uncle Ted makes it

difficult to relax while on the crapper, as you should

always wait to poop when the bathroom is empty. This

benefits you as well as the other bathroom attendees.

WATER SPOUT

A situation in which the waste that has just been

deployed forces the water in which it was submerged,

is force back onto the rectum of the pooping worker.

Such a situation can be prevented with a CATCHER'S MITT

CATCHER'S MITT

The process in which the pooper, prior to deploying

his waste, lays down a primary bunch of toilet paper

in order to prevent a Water Spout. As the waste hits

the floating toilet paper, it is met with a soft

cushion that does not disturb the water.

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ESCAPEE

A fart that slips out while taking a leak at the

urinal or forcing a poop in a stall. This is usually

accompanied by a sudden wave of embarrassment.

If you release an escapee, do not acknowledge it.

Pretend it did not happen. If you are standing next to

the farter in the urinal, pretend you did not hear it.

No one likes an escapee. It is uncomfortable for all

involved. Making a joke or laughing makes both parties

feel uneasy.

The old men at work love this one....however they fully acknowledge, crack a joke, then start yipping away.

Fucking Bus Drivers

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My fave is

TURD BURGLAR

Someone who does not realize that you are in the stall

and tries to force the door open. This is one of the

most shocking and vulnerable moments that can occur

when taking a poop at work. If this occurs, remain in

the stall until the Turd Burglar leaves. This way you

will avoid all uncomfortable eye contact.

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There is even a worse on than the walk of shame which I will now write.

IT WAS LIKE THAT WHEN I GOT HERE

Someone enters the empty stall next to you while you're already in mid-swing. Person in the other stall creates a gigantic gas storm of stink and leaves before you have a chance to finish up. As you leave the stall, another person walks in, assuming that you are the culprit.

I think I probably fall under the OUT OF THE CLOSET POOPER. Although, there's nothing shameful about going for a number 2, everyone just seems to know when I'm walking around with a newspaper, where I'm heading.

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One time we had pasta with Sour Diesel shake in it for seasoning (we were using that particular spice in everything at the time).

The next day at the mortgage office I crapped and it smelled like I'd just puffed a Diesel dube in there.

I was so embarrassed I was sweating the whole day that I'd be summoned into the bosses office.

I say poop at home whenever possible.

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There is even a worse on than the walk of shame which I will now write.

IT WAS LIKE THAT WHEN I GOT HERE

Someone enters the empty stall next to you while you're already in mid-swing. Person in the other stall creates a gigantic gas storm of stink and leaves before you have a chance to finish up. As you leave the stall, another person walks in, assuming that you are the culprit.

I think I probably fall under the OUT OF THE CLOSET POOPER. Although, there's nothing shameful about going for a number 2, everyone just seems to know when I'm walking around with a newspaper, where I'm heading.

maybe if you ate better you wouldn't have time to read the paper

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IT WAS LIKE THAT WHEN I GOT HERE

Someone enters the empty stall next to you while you're already in mid-swing. Person in the other stall creates a gigantic gas storm of stink and leaves before you have a chance to finish up. As you leave the stall, another person walks in, assuming that you are the culprit.

I work a later shift than most in my office and Im often the last guy here at night. I walked in to the bathroom to find one stall completely overflowing and basically 50% of the bathroom was covered in someone else's bad luck. I had to report it to the facilities team in way that said, "It wasn't me", but at the same time didn't make it look like I was protesting too much. Either way, Im pretty sure they thought it was me.

Oh, and Max, the toilet paper at work is a poor excuse for toilet paper.

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it's rewarding to drop a fart at the grocery store in an empty aisle, let it hang there, then promptly leave. Wait for someone to enter the aisle and then go join them in the fart aisle and give them an accusing look as you walk by with your cart.

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it's rewarding to drop a fart at the grocery store in an empty aisle, let it hang there, then promptly leave. Wait for someone to enter the aisle and then go join them in the fart aisle and give them an accusing look as you walk by with your cart.

Golden - good to hear customers do this - back when I was a grocery store employee we would all take great pride in laying a 'fart trap' in one aisle, then leaving quickly and listening in on the ensuing blame game or going back in the aisle to make them uncomfortable...

This was second only to my favourite all time grocery store prank - shake up a 2liter of gingerale, put it back on display preferably on an end of an aisle, and just lightly tap it with your casecutter blade...just a small hole - this will spray a fine mist of gingerale for hours upon hours...coating everyone that walks through it in a fine mist that dries quickly....and is sticky as hell! ahh shit.

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