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Dave Bidini to Stephen Harper- Todays Ntl Post

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Fuckin funny stuff:

Stephen Harper's Lonely Hearts Club Band

Advice from one musician to another

Dave Bidini, Weekend Post

Dear Mr. Prime Minister,

I just wanted to say that I thought your performance of With a Little Help From My Friends was awesome. I especially thought it was cool how good it sounded and how great your microphone technique was even though you'd never sung in front of a 17-piece orchestra before. Wow. All I know is that when I got up on stage all hammered at Frankie's last Saturday and jammed blues harp on Mustang Sally with Jimmy Slider and His World Famous Louts, it was all I could do to find the key, let alone the pitch, let alone stay in pitch. I know first-hand how hard it is singing with four people on stage, let alone 17, or however many there were that night. Amazing, sir. You must have practised lots with that orchestra even though you're probably pretty busy running the country and, for that, I take my hat off to you, sir. And to think you've been holding out on us.


If you wanted to get rid of the Libs and NDP and that French guy in the hair-net, you might go on tour. Seriously. Go to Manitoba, do some Guess Who, some Burton or Randy or BTO. Better yet, get dressed up in those pelts they used to wear with furry boots and just give 'er. I'd like to see that bonehead Liberal guy do that, although he's probably into soft rock, like Air Supply or some shit. Or computer music, the kind those eggheads like, which comes from Germany or some other weird place that isn't CANADA. But not you, sir. You chose a good ol' Canadian standard -- not some international hit that is popular just because it was re-released to critical acclaim on the heels of a video game featuring the band's complete body or work. A classic, sir. That Liberal guy could use some help, eh? Think any of that computer music's gonna give him that? No way. Robots can't love or feel and that's why human music is the only way to go.

You should campaign on piano in the Maritimes, too. Stop that Clyde Wells guy or Danny Millions or whatever fish-head they got in power out there. Do a jig on those keys, sir, play as fast as they do. Maybe you could even bring Yo-Yo out for some reels and whatnot. That cello isn't nothing more than a big fiddle anyways, and the people would love it, though you should warn Yo-Yo about kissing the cod and everything because if you don't be careful, you'll find yourself in trouble pretty fast. Still, Yo-Yo's a musician and he's probably used to getting up to no good. I'm sure it wouldn't be the first time he got drunk and ended up with his pants off shaking his ass on the bar at the Rose N' Thistle, which is what happened to cousin Shirley and Uncle Stan last time they went there. But Uncle Stan is no Yo-Yo. He didn't even finish high school. Still, you can never be too careful.

There have been lots of other politicians who play music, but none of them sound as good as you, sir. People are deeply impressed, I can tell you that. Clinton played the sax, but he just kinda held it there and blurted notes every now and then. Mike Huckabee plays the bass, but anyone can play the bass. You know the joke about the dead drummer (of course you do! You're a musician)? Well, anyway, the drummer dies in the middle of a song and the band doesn't know what to do. So the singer tells the bass player to hop on the drums. Who plays the bass, you ask? The dead guy, of course! Really, sir, bass is easy and that Huckabee guy has absolutely no mic technique. As world leaders go, you are the best. THE best.

I'm reluctant to offer you any advice sir -- I mean, playing Mustang Sally while hammered in front of 14 people does not a career make -- but next time you play, you might wanna wear a fancy silk scarf or a funny hat or something, just to give the show a little extra sizzle. And you need a big light sign, like Moxy or Triumph or Trooper. It could come down during your set and spell BAD ASS! or CANADIAN BACON! or SHOW US YOUR HOSERS! in flashing red and blue. Not that you don't have any sizzle, sir, it's just that, well, rock shows are big on lights and explosions these days, and a little showmanship couldn't hurt. I'm not suggesting that you rent the Pink Floyd pig or that enormous penis that the Stones cart around. Instead, maybe you can shoot Alan Frew out of a cannon or something. I know he's big on Afghanistan, so there might be a perfect fit there. In fact, I wonder: Did Frew help you rehearse for the song? I only ask because he has an accent, and you had a bit of an accent, too, at least while you were singing. Did you know that the guy from Spirit of the West sings with an accent, but speaks without one? True. Rock and roll is sometimes pretty weird that way.

In conclusion, I just wanted to say Keep on Rockin', sir. I hope you do a longer set next time, maybe a tune by Zappa (may I suggest I'm the Slime?) or T. Rex ( Metal Guru!!). I would definitely buy tickets if you played again. I would sit really close and figure out how you're able to play and sing so well after having done not much of it before. We can all learn a lot from you, and I hope that, one day, we'll get the chance again, although I'm not holding my breath. You wouldn't want people to get sick of you, or think: "There goes another cheap publicity stunt in the face of flagging popularity." No way, sir. Because that would be bad. Real bad.


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