Twisted minds, I need your help

[TomFoolery]

So, I'm having a fight with my neighbour. We'd had a great neighbourly relationship until he had the village complain to me for putting fence-posts 12" into an alley that we share. Anyways, things have devolved from there.

Until now, I've maintained a distance and desire to have no conflict. Today he put me over the top. Now, its time to have some fun at his expense.

I have the feeling that there are some creative minds here who may have some ideas on (legal and non-damaging) ways to fuck with a neighbour. If you have good stories of terrible neighbours or neighbours you've pissed off - let me know.

A couple of thoughts:

- I'm not moving, so this can be a VERY prolonged and involved process.

- I do not want to damage any of his property

- I do not want to get into legal problems

- I'd love to lure him into a position where I could have a harassment charge brought (just for the laughs)

Current plans involve:

- fake barking dog on a timer (to guard our garden from crows, of course)

- seeding the perimeter of his house with clover (he hates deer because of his garden)

- Howard Stern is now permanently pointed out of our window, btw. Loud. From 8am - 9pm.

[Schwa.]

magazine subscriptions. lots of them.

[SaggyBalls]

Get a morphsuit and have it anatomically airbrushed with a very awkward birthmark.

stuff it enormous.

wear it whenever he goes outside.

[SaggyBalls]

You could also invite the guy over for potlucks and try to turn his frown upside down.

If you put your fence off your property but it's not his then there's no chance you could appropriate a foot of his property over time so he's just whiny. Potato salad can fix that.

[ollie]

What's his beef with your fence?

[Tooly]

poison ivy? rig up a bucket above his door so that when he opens it, the bucket dumps pee on his head. thatll straighten him out.

and if that dont work, try pot, good luck

[mister slippery]

Bury some meat in their yard.

Not too deep, but deep enough to remain undetected for long enough to allow for some truly vile decomposition.

Otherwise, you need to form The Great Canadian Vuvuzuela Orchestra, and host band practice a lot.

[phorbesie]

sounds like trouble.

beware of crazy neighbours, i say.

[Basher]

[color:purple]This can lead to nothing but good things!

[jaybone]

sounds like trouble.

beware of crazy neighbours, i say.

Says the girl who moved next to 40 Main!

[Davey Boy 2.0]

bagpipes?

[Guest Low Roller]

Playing devil's advocate here: did you get a permit or verify zoning before you put up the fence? Since you share the alley, is there a property easement which grants him full access to the alleyway for maintenance access to his house?

[Patchoulia]

What's his beef with your fence?

Yeah - I need to know the scoop before sharing my evil genius.

[phishtaper]

the golden rule of neighbour relations is to de-escalate conflict, not to escalate it.

maybe I dont understand, but you say you put posts in an alley, he complained and now you want to seek retribution? how about moving the posts out of the alley? i sense things would be much better in the long run if you do that.

so, answer us this: who is right with respect to the posts? you or him? that the village has approached you would seem to suggest an impartial third party is at least considering that he is right.

[Schwa.]

the golden rule of neighbour relations is to de-escalate conflict, not to escalate it.

maybe I dont understand, but you say you put posts in an alley, he complained and now you want to seek retribution? how about moving the posts out of the alley? i sense things would be much better in the long run if you do that.

so, answer us this: who is right with respect to the posts? you or him? that the village has approached you would seem to suggest an impartial third party is at least considering that he is right.

[phishtaper]

On behalf of all conflict resolutionists, I proudly accept this award.

[Schwa.]

[Tungsten Gruvsten]

I could write a novel about this but I prefer to drunkenly slur them to interested parties.

A hint - salt and vinegar is great on chips - not so good on plant material....

[Thorgnor]

Confirm'd... gardens hate salt and vinegar.

I just moved away from a place where my driveway was a laneway through a parking lot. If anybody decided to block it I was s.o.l. If the neighbor had decided to move thier fence over a foot into the "easement" I wouldn't have had a parking space at all. If you put the posts in the wrong spot and you're trying to bully them into leaving you alone, you might just be giving them a good reason to make things really hard for you.

It's against my personal nature, but I would recommend not escalating. Expend your energy taking away any reason for them to bug you, not the other way around. Even crafty harassment is harassment.

By all that what I mean to say is don't get caught putting vinegar on somebody's garden unless you want them to shoot you for being on the lawn.

[TomFoolery]

First off - thanks for a few good ideas :-)

To clarify the situation for those interested. We really did have quite a good relationship. Dude is in a wheelchair, so I'd go over and shovel his driveway, haul heavy stuff around, we ran his fridge and freezer on our generator during power outages. And, we have taken what used to a fugly-ass house (ours) and we have done a huge amount of work over three years - siding, roofing, new out buildings, gardens etc. We have removed an enormous eye-sore from the neighbourhood and increased his property value in doing so.

We share a 15' alley between our houses. It will NEVER be used as an actual alley, but it is an official set-aside. Both of us use it for access to our places. I spoke with him about putting a fence in. He said, "When you do, you can use my hedges as a mark, they are exactly on my property line.". So, I pulled 15' from them. Kayte and I went away for a few weeks and came home to the letter from the village. I then found the iron post and, sure enough, we were 12" over.

So, I can take my licks. I didn't do my homework - my own fault. However, I'm certainly not going to help the guy out much after this. What I really don't get is that by fencing ourselves off, we would be increasing his effective yard space by 15'x 50'.

Next, I get another letter from the village saying there's been a complaint because my truck is blocking the alley (again - an alley that will never be used in its official capacity). Fair enough - the neighbour does use it about once a year. Again, I'll comply because its right but I feel even less inclined to like the guy for not speaking to me directly. I can't see this as anything other than a passive aggressive lash out.

Now, here's the final deal. We have a big old school bus / motor home. Once he illustrated the exact dimensions of the alley in dispute, I drove the bus into our property through the alley. It gives him a nice view of the bus.

This year, I started working on the bus - refinishing the outside. He came out and started yelling at me and telling me that he'll call the cops if I use spray paint on the thing. It wasn't until he called me sneaky during this exchange that I got really choked. I lost my temper and unloaded on him about all of it - unfortunately, I played perfectly into his bitter view of the world.

Again -

I get his beefs. There is a layer of legitimacy to them. However, he's been such a dick about it that I cannot help but feel like fucking with him a bit.

I also get the whole thing about not escalating. The mature part of me embraces that. The realistic part of me (who's listened to him go through the entire town's supply of landscapers in a flurry of abuse and dismissals), says nothing is ever going to please this guy. He's bitter as fuck at the world and just wants to take it out on anyone and everyone. That part of me says, let's have a little fun fucking with him.

Oh yeah, thinking back on our history - he even started a nasty rumour about one of our other neighbours being a pedophile/flasher/and fire bug.

Btw - I love the vuvuzela orchestra and body suit ideas.

Edited July 15, 2010 by Guest

[ollie]

Don't hurt the plants! They have nothing to do with this.

[TomFoolery]

Don't worry, Ollie. The line I will not cross is to do property damage...

I just want to illustrate to him, by virtue of hind-sight, what great neighbours we used to be.

[ollie]

Good to know!

As they say, living well is the best revenge. Show him how much this *doesn't* affect you and that might be enough for him to get the point. He probably likes getting a rise out of you. Deny him that pleasure.

[Kanada Kev]

Again, I'll comply because its right but I feel even less inclined to like the guy for not speaking to me directly.

I hate that. Have the balls to talk before going to the authorities.

The realistic part of me says nothing is ever going to please this guy. He's bitter as fuck at the world and just wants to take it out on anyone and everyone.

He's not worth it. You can keep poking the beast, but he'll just keep coming back. Keep up with knowing all your rights wrt the bylaws and ignore the troll as much as possible. Just smile and wave every time you see him ... it'll drive him even more nuts.

Oh yeah, people in wheelchairs and/or with other disabilities CAN be assholes as much as anyone else. I'm sure he's used it to play people for years.

Good luck and hang in there.

[Schwa.]

By the sounds of it the best way to get back at him is to withdraw any and all help you used to give him.