\/\/illy Posted August 19, 2003 Report Share Posted August 19, 2003 IT'S NOT JUST THE WEATHER THAT'S COOLER IN CANADA Pittsburgh Post-Gazette, July 30, 2003. 2003 Bell & Howell Information and Learning Company. All rights reserved. You live next door to a clean-cut, quiet guy. He never plays loud music or throws raucous parties. He doesn't gossip over the fence, just smiles politely and offers you some tomatoes. His lawn is cared-for, his house is neat as a pin and you get the feeling he doesn't always lock his front door. He wears Dockers. You hardly know he's there. And then one day you discover that he has pot in his basement, spends his weekends at peace marches and that guy you've seen mowing the yard is his spouse. Allow me to introduce Canada. The Canadians are so quiet that you may have forgotten they're up there, but they've been busy doing some surprising things. It's like discovering that the mice you are dimly aware of in your attic have been building an espresso machine. Did you realize, for example, that our reliable little tag-along brother never joined the Coalition of the Willing? Canada wasn't willing, as it turns out, to join the fun in Iraq. I can only assume American diner menus weren't angrily changed to include "freedom bacon," because nobody here eats the stuff anyway. And then there's the wild drug situation: Canadian doctors are authorized to dispense medical marijuana. Parliament is considering legislation that would not exactly legalize marijuana possession, as you may have heard, but would reduce the penalty for possession of under 15 grams to a fine, like a speeding ticket. This is to allow law enforcement to concentrate resources on traffickers; if your garden is full of wasps, it's smarter to go for the nest rather than trying to swat every individual bug. Or, in the United States, bong. Now, here's the part that I, as an American, can't understand. These poor benighted pinkos are doing everything wrong. They have a drug problem: Marijuana offenses have doubled since 1991. And Canada has strict gun control laws, which means that the criminals must all be heavily armed, the law-abiding civilians helpless and the government on the verge of a massive confiscation campaign. (The laws have been in place since the ' 70s, but I'm sure the government will get around to the confiscation eventually.) They don't even have a death penalty! And yet ... nationally, overall crime in Canada has been declining since 1991. Violent crimes fell 13 percent in 2002. Of course, there are still crimes committed with guns -- brought in from the United States, which has become the major illegal weapons supplier for all of North America -- but my theory is that the surge in pot-smoking has rendered most criminals too relaxed to commit violent crimes. They're probably more focused on shoplifting boxes of Ho-Hos from convenience stores. And then there's the most reckless move of all: Just last month, Canada decided to allow and recognize same-sex marriages. Merciful moose, what can they be thinking? Will there be married Mounties (they always get their man!)? Dudley Do-Right was sweet on Nell, not Mel! We must be the only ones who really care about families. Not enough to make sure they all have health insurance, of course, but more than those libertines up north. This sort of behavior is a clear and present danger to all our stereotypes about Canada. It's supposed to be a cold, wholesome country of polite, beer-drinking hockey players, not founded by freedom-fighters in a bloody revolution but quietly assembled by loyalists and royalists more interested in order and good government than liberty and independence. But if we are the rugged individualists, why do we spend so much of our time trying to get everyone to march in lockstep? And if Canadians are so reserved and moderate, why are they so progressive about letting people do what they want to? Canadians are, as a nation, less religious than we are, according to polls. As a result, Canada's government isn't influenced by large, well-organized religious groups and thus has more in common with those of Scandinavia than those of the United States, or, say, Iran. Canada signed the Kyoto global warming treaty, lets 19-year-olds drink, has more of its population living in urban areas and accepts more immigrants per capita than the United States. These are all things we've been told will wreck our society. But I guess Canadians are different, because theirs seems oddly sound. Like teenagers, we fiercely idolize individual freedom but really demand that everyone be the same. But the Canadians seem more adult - - more secure. They aren't afraid of foreigners. They aren't afraid of homosexuality. Most of all, they're not afraid of each other. I wonder if America will ever be that cool. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Phunky Cauldron Posted August 19, 2003 Report Share Posted August 19, 2003 Niiiicce! Couldn't help but smile after reading that. Thanks for reminding me to be proud. God, does Canada ever rule. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
PalacePrincess Posted August 19, 2003 Report Share Posted August 19, 2003 wow, what a great article! thanks for sharing. hopefully all americans don't clue in and haul ass up here. canada rules!!! i'm so proud to be from here. and it's funny, at the dead/dylan show in darien lake, qqc & i were waiting in line to get on the superman ride, and these two american teenage girls ahead of us were talking about how cool canada is, and how we know what's going on and all that. we're so lucky to live here... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
bONES Posted August 19, 2003 Report Share Posted August 19, 2003 CANADA does indeed ROCK!! And the conscious and sane Americans know it!! I too feel so blessed to have been born in and live in CANADA Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tooly Posted August 19, 2003 Report Share Posted August 19, 2003 woohoo! great article canada rocks Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Schwa. Posted August 19, 2003 Report Share Posted August 19, 2003 Boycott the USA!!! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
shainhouse Posted August 19, 2003 Report Share Posted August 19, 2003 That was wonderful. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
phishin4groove Posted August 19, 2003 Report Share Posted August 19, 2003 if George.W was in front of me right now, I would beat upon him with a rubber hose. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jared Posted August 19, 2003 Report Share Posted August 19, 2003 ohhhh canada our home and natived land... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
shainhouse Posted August 19, 2003 Report Share Posted August 19, 2003 I saw we roll him up in a carpet and throw him off a bridge. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kung Posted August 20, 2003 Report Share Posted August 20, 2003 I had to tune out because of how lame he was being and then came back realizing he was intentionally over the top. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Thorgnor Posted August 20, 2003 Report Share Posted August 20, 2003 Schwa quote: Boycott the USA Except for Ween concerts Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
questcequecest? Posted August 20, 2003 Report Share Posted August 20, 2003 freedom bacon... heehee. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Velvet Posted August 20, 2003 Report Share Posted August 20, 2003 That's funny you type that. Somebody was just telling me they were gonna stop going to the US and that's it. I said I'd do that too, until Ween comes close again. By the way, if you want to read the same thread on an American jamband forum, check this out: http://www.phishhook.com/board/topic.jsp?boardID=1&topicID=281139 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Schwa. Posted August 20, 2003 Report Share Posted August 20, 2003 quote: Schwa quote: -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Boycott the USA -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Except for Ween concerts Or if BGH announces U.S. tour Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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