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Bush Resignation Hailed by World Leaders


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Bush Resignation Hailed by World Leaders

by Greg Palast

September 11, 2003

[Washington] The surprise resignation of the forty-third President of the United States, George W. Bush, on the second anniversary of the terrorist attack on America, was hailed by chiefs of state throughout the world. Mr. Bush announced that after, "two years of bloodshed, economic devastation, and spreading fear in America and abroad," he saw no choice but to accept that, "I have held a title which I did not win, and for which I have proven unqualified."

The text of the former President's September 11 address to the nation follows:

"My fellow Americans:

I come to you tonight with a heavy heart. Two years ago today, thousands of innocent Americans were murdered by terrorist maniacs.

In the script I've been handed, I'm now supposed to tell you that America is safer today, and that the world is kinder and nicer and happier, because of I'm such a brilliant general in the War on Terror.

But who are we kidding? Yesterday, Osama released his new hit video. The terrorists are having a picnic ever since I turned over our foreign policy to Saudi Arabia and Exxon-Mobil.

And here's the point in my speech where my handlers would have me tell you about how I've been praying hard, making it sound like I just got off the phone with the Lord. I don't know about you, but I find it pretty darn offensive, downright blasphemous, to drag the Lord's name into every cheap campaign speech and chest-pounding war threat. Osama says he talks to God too. Let's leave Him out of the politics from now on, OK?

Look, in my speech this past Sunday, I used the word "democracy" about 11 times when talking about Iraq. It's democracy Florida-style, I suppose. Except we're not fixing the vote this time . we aren't letting these people vote at all. "Iraqis aren't prepared for democracy." That's what Dick Cheney and Saddam Hussein told me.

So we're blowing 100 billion bucks we don't have to colonize a country we don't want. Rummy tries to explain it to me each morning -- oil this and oil that -- but I just don't see it. And one of our kids dying there every day - where are their parents, anyway? My dad didn't let that happen - he got me out of the service. Didn't I look neat in that fly-boy suit?

And, let me tell you, I just looked at our nation's piggy bank. Uh-oh.

When I arrived, the last guy left me $4 trillion and said, "Be careful with all that cash in this neighborhood." Well, I have to level with you, America: it's all gone. The cupboard's bare and this year alone we blew half a trillion more dollars than we have in our bank account. Man, I can't believe I went through all that dough stone sober.

And what did we get for it? A Fatherland Security Department that's trying to read the labels on everyone's underpants. Think about it, all this Total Information Awareness KGB stuff: two years ago Americans were the victims - but my government has made Americans the suspects. I don't know about you, but this guy Ashcroft scares the bejeezus out of me.

And today I'm told that over nine million Americans are out of work. That's not so bad: I haven't done much work in my lifetime either. But my mama explained to me that not everyone's daddy can lend them an oil well to tide them over.

It's like I can't get anything right. The lights are going out in Ohio and the North Pole is melting. I don't get it. I appointed all those regulators that Ken Lay told me to, and I got rid of all the rules that got in the way of patriotic Polluter-Americans .. and what's the upshot? America the Beautiful is looking like she's had a pretty rough night. Won't be long before the whole country smells like Houston.

And now the stock market's floating face down in the swimming pool -- despite everything I've done for those guys on Wall Street. Even my plan to give every millionaire an extra million seems to have backfired. Greenspam says I've created "business risk." Says I spook investors. But when I asked Greenspam for a solution, all he did was hand me a bag of pretzels.

Hey, I can take a hint. OK, I'm over my head on this one. I look back over these last years, and what have I got to show you for it: two years of bloodshed, economic devastation, and spreading fear in America and abroad.

When I ran for this office, I said the issue was, "character." And just look at the characters around me. I've gotten all their resignations today. And while I've got some character left, here's my own good-bye note too. Let's face it: I have held a title which I did not win, and for which I have proven unqualified. You know it. And I know it.

It's at this point in the speech where I'm supposed to say, "And may God bless America." God better, because Dick Cheney won't. Don't panic: I'm not turning over this sacred office to Mr. Contracts-R-Us.

Instead, I've petitioned the United States Supreme Court to pick a President for us. Those guys picked the last one, why not the next one?

And so, my fellow Americans, you can take this job and .."

Here, Mr. Bush's words became unintelligible. As usual.

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Subject: George W. Bush

Past Work Experience:

I ran for U.S. Congress and lost.

I produced a Hollywood slasher B movie.

I bought an oil company, but couldn't find any oil in Texas; the company went bankrupt shortly after I sold all my stock.

I bought the Texas Rangers baseball team in a sweetheart deal that took land using taxpayer money.

With my father's help and name, I was elected Governor of Texas.

Accomplishments as Governor:

I changed pollution laws in favor of the power and oil companies and

made Texas the most polluted state in the Union.

I replaced Los Angeles with Houston as the most smog-ridden city in


I cut taxes and bankrupted Texas government to the tune of billions in

borrowed money.

I set the record for the most executions by any Governor in American


I became U.S. President after losing the popular vote by over 500,000

votes with the help of major Enron money and my father's appointments

to the Supreme Court.

Accomplishments as President:

I attacked and overtook two countries.

I spent the U.S. surplus and effectively bankrupted the U.S. Treasury.

I shattered the record for the largest annual deficit in U.S. history.

I set an economic record for most private bankruptcies filed in any

12-month period.

I set the all-time record for the biggest drop in the history of the

U.S. stock market.

My record for environmental issues is the least of my concerns.

I am the first president in U.S. history to enter office with a criminal record.

I set the all-time record for most days on vacation in any one year


After taking-off the entire month of August, I then presided over the

worst security failure in U.S. history.

I am supporting development of a "Tactical Bunker Buster" nuke, a WMD.

I am getting our troops killed, under the lie of Saddam's procurement of Yellow Cake Nuke WMD components, then blaming the lie on our British friends.

I set the record for most campaign fund-raising trips by a U.S.


In my first year in office over 2-million Americans lost their jobs and that trend continues every month.

I set the all-time record for most foreclosures in a 12-month period.

I appointed more convicted criminals to administration than any

president in U.S. history.

I set the record for least amount of press conferences than any

president since the advent of television.

I signed more laws and executive orders effectively amending or ignoring the Constitution than any president in history.

I presided over the biggest energy crisis in U.S. history and refused to intervene when corruption involving the oil industry was revealed.

I presided over the highest gasoline prices in U.S. history and refused to use national reserves as past presidents have done.

I have cut health care benefits for war veterans and support a cut in

duty benefits for active duty troops and their families -- in war time.

I have set the all-time record for most people worldwide to

simultaneously protest me in public venues (15 million people)

shattering the record for protest against any person in the history of


I've dissolved more international treaties than any president in U.S.


I've made my presidency the most secretive and unaccountable of any in U.S. history.

I'm proud that the members of my cabinet are the richest of any

administration in U.S. history.

My "poorest millionaire," Condoleeza Rice, has a Chevron oil tanker

named after her.

I am the first president in U.S. history to have almost all 50 states of The Union simultaneously suffer massive financial crisis.

I presided over the biggest corporate stock market fraud of any market

in any country in history.

I am the first president in U.S. history to order a pre-emptive attack and the military occupation of a sovereign nation, and I did so against the will of the United Nations and the world community.

I created the largest government department bureaucracy in the history

of the United States.

I set the all-time record for biggest annual budget spending increases, more than any president in history.

I am the first president in U.S. history to have the United Nations

remove the U.S. from the Human Rights Commission.

I am the first president in U.S. history to have the United Nations

remove the U.S. from the Elections Monitoring Board.

I removed more checks and balances, and have the least amount of

congressional oversight than any presidential administration in U.S.


I rendered the entire United Nations viewpoints irrelevant.

I withdrew the U.S. from the World Court of Law.

I refused to allow inspectors access to U.S. "prisoners of war"

(detainees) and thereby have refused to abide by the Geneva Convention.

I am the first president in history to refuse United Nations election

inspectors (during the 2002 U.S. election).

I am the all-time U.S. and world record-holder for receiving the most

corporate campaign donations.

My largest lifetime campaign contributor, and one of my best friends,

(Kenneth Lay, former CEO of Enron Corporation) presided over the largest corporate bankruptcy fraud in U.S. history. My political party used the Enron private jets and corporate attorneys to assure my success with the U.S. Supreme Court during my election decision.

I have spent more money on polls and focus groups than any president in U.S. history.

I garnered the most sympathy for the U.S. after the World Trade Center

attacks and less than a year later made the U.S. the most resented

country in the world, possibly the largest failure of diplomacy in World history.

I am actively working on a policy of "disengagement" creating the most

hostile of Israel-Palestine relations in at least 30 years.

I am first president in history to have a majority of Europeans (71%)

view my presidency as the biggest threat to world peace and security.

I am the first U.S. president in history to have the people of South

Korea more threatened by the U.S. than by their immediate neighbor,

North Korea.

I changed the U.S. policy to allow convicted criminals to be awarded

government contracts.

I set an all-time record for the number of administration appointees who violated U.S. law by not selling their huge personal investments in corporations bidding for U.S. contracts.

I failed to fulfill my pledge to capture Osama Bin Laden, dead or alive.

I failed to capture the anthrax killer who tried to murder the leaders

of our country at the U.S. Capitol Building. Even after 18 months I

have no leads and no credible suspects.

In the past 18 months following the World Trade Center attack I have

successfully prevented any public investigation into the biggest

security failure in the history of the United States.

I removed more freedoms and civil liberties for Americans than any

president in U.S. history.

In a little over two years, I created the most divided country in

decades, possibly the most divided since the Civil War.

I entered my office with the strongest economy in U.S. history and

have turned every single economic category downward -- all in less than two years.

Records and References:

I have at least one conviction for drunk driving in Maine. My Texas

driving record has been erased and is not available.

I was AWOL from the National Guard

I refuse to take a drug test or even answer any questions about drug


All records of my tenure as Governor of Texas are now in my father's

library, sealed, and unavailable for public view.

All records of SEC investigations into insider trading or bankrupt

companies are sealed in secrecy and unavailable for public view.

All records or minutes from meetings that I, or my Vice-President,

attended regarding public energy policy are sealed in secrecy and

unavailable for public review.

~ Please consider my experience when voting in 2004. ~

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