Basher Posted October 31, 2002 Report Share Posted October 31, 2002 http://www.theonion.com/onion3840/headache-relief_tips.html The Onion presents: Millions of Americans regularly suffer from headaches. Here are some tips to help prevent them and ease the pain: Though disputed by conventional Western medicine, the ancient Chinese art of kneecap-smashing may distract you from your headache. The surest method of headache prevention is to develop a working time machine, go back to 1988, and marry a different woman who doesn't nag your ass into the ground about where you were all night and who was there with you and were you drinking. No matter how bad your head hurts, do not under any circumstances attempt to remove it. Many popular herbal headache remedies exist, including valerian and kava kava, but be advised that they don't do shit. Headaches can get so bad that, in some cases, doctors prescribe morphine or methadone. A better way to look at this is that headaches can get so good that doctors prescribe morphine or methadone. If you have a severe headache, you likely have five or six throbbing red lightning bolts behind your sinuses. Neutralize them with a soothing, bluish, glowing orb. A key to headache prevention is avoiding getting Starship's "We Built This City" stuck in your head. If you suffer from recurring headache pain, you probably have a tumor or something. Man, am I glad I'm not you. If you suspect that your headache is a migraine, ask yourself: Does the prospect of having a double-barreled shotgun inserted in your anus and discharged fill you with thoughts of blessed, eternal relief? If so, it's probably a migraine. Headache sufferers, be advised that episodes can easily be triggered by stress, improper diet, or people constantly chiming in with their useless fucking headache advice. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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