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Patchoulia

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Posts posted by Patchoulia

  4. delete

    in Soundboard

    Posted

    An egg and bacon are frying in a pan and the egg turns to the bacon and says, "Holy shit, it's hot in here!" and the bacon turns to the egg and says, "Holy shit, a talking egg!"

  10. Anyone near Rockport/Brockville?

    in Soundboard

    Posted

    An American friend of mine has a cottage near Rockport and sent me the following email..thought maybe someone here might have some info...

    "Looks like the marina i used to use has greatly reduced their stock. i don't suppose while you lived in the area you happened upon any place to rent boats from near the bridges? there's tons of houseboats but not many sport boats around.

    found a good looking/ priced place in brockville but that's 20 miles by river home... long way...

    shot in the dark but i'm grasping."

    Thanks!

  19. Best of Craigslist

    in Soundboard

    Posted

    Mom, I know you're there.

    Date: 2008-03-11, 4:38PM CDT

    Mom, I know you’re out there, reading this.

    How do I know you’re out there?

    Let’s begin with that ad of mine that you recently responded to, shall we? You know the one I’m talking about. It was entitled, “Mrs. Robinson, are you trying to seduce me?—m4w--22†That ad ran for three days before I got a response, and I can’t tell you, Mom, how my heart fell when I saw the photo that accompanied the response. It was your Realtor’s headshot, the one on your business card. Even worse was the text of your response. I’m so, so sorry I know now what you’d do to me if we ever “hooked up.†On the other hand, Dad must’ve been a very, very lucky guy back in the day. I dunno, maybe he still is.

    I guess, Mom, when I think a bit about it, that I should resign myself to whatever it is that you are doing. After all, you’re an adult and I’m an adult. I can’t tell you what you should do with your life.

    But Mom, I’d like to raise a few points.

    The first point I’d like to raise is that you’re still married to Dad. Please, please PLEASE tell me that you have his blessing. My mind is reeling now, hoping that you’re not the people who posted “Fun Couple Looking For Others—MW4MW—57†I have a sneaking suspicion, though, that it is you. Now that I know you’re cruising CE, I suspect that there aren’t too many other 57 year old swingers from the Westlake area posting on Craigslist.

    The second point I’d like to raise is that you owe it to whoever you’re trying to hook up with to be honest. I mean, I lived with you and Dad for 18 years. You’re not that fun.

    Finally, I’d like you to stop responding to my “College Stud Needs a MILF—m4w—22†ads. The only one who should find you to be MILF-y at all is Dad. For me, you are just an “Mâ€. Got it?

    Your son.

    PS. I’m going to swing by at around 7-7:30-ish to do a load of wash, is that okay? I tried to call you at the office, but they kept telling me that you’re busy.

  20. Best of Craigslist

    in Soundboard

    Posted

    I really enjoy "Best of Craigslist"...some of that stuff is freakin' hysterical...my new favourite recent Best of Craigslist post:

    http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/pit/708850980.html

    To my neighbor who I saw pooping in his yard yesterday

    Date: 2008-06-05, 2:52PM EDT

    I saw you couched down with your pants around your ankles. I asked "Hey, what are you doing?".

    Your reply was "Pooping in a groundhog hole! I read about it online. It's suppose to trick the groundhog into thinking another animal has moved into it's lair.".

    Since you are normally a sane person I refrained from calling the police.

  21. How am I supposed to get through this work day?? Huh???

    in Soundboard

    Posted

    Are You Cut Out For Juicing on the Job?

    It depends largely on your temperament and occupation. Most people can’t handle it. It takes a sure and steady hand to maintain the illusion of not drinking while drinking steadily. You must be a fully functional alcoholic. If you tend to get giggly, hostile or befuddled after two beers, you are not going to pull it off. If you are the sort that prides himself in holding his cups, if your drinking companions have a hard time telling when you’re loaded, juicing on the job may well be for you.

    That said, if your job involves a steering wheel, great heights, carrying a suitcase containing nuclear launch codes, machinery that may casually remove a limb, or, for the love of God, driving a bus full of adorable school children, it’s best to find another job. Because you cannot, in good conscience, drink while working under those circumstances. For all its benefits, being lit doesn’t improve your motor skills, depth perception or sense of balance. The last thing you want to do is kill someone or lose a hand, because, as Bukowski noted, they have the wrong kinds of bars in prisons, and it’s nearly impossible to execute a proper kegstand with only one hand.

  23. How am I supposed to get through this work day?? Huh???

    in Soundboard

    Posted

    Seriously. Am I seriously expected to be productive today??

    ONE SLEEP TO PANIC!!!!

    Phew. OK. I'm alright.

    My friend is currently winging her way to Toronto...yay!!

    AND we're having roti for dinner!!

    It just doesn't get any better than this..

    Oh, wait! Yes, it does! I get to see a bunch of you beautiful people this weekend (That includes MorganwhoisMoMack and Schwa..I'm feeling generous)! Woohoo!!

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