"That guys" & "That girls"... a study in concert etiquette

[keither]

dj mopo from the bay area's concert etiquette, which he put in his weekly journal after seeing a p-funk show at the fillmore. pretty funny & on the mark:

11:23 PM: Etiquette at concerts has always been a quandary of mine. I personally go to shows to SEE THE BAND/DJ etc and though I like to get down, I am probably overly annoyed by "That Guys" who want the attention on them in the audience. Here are five "That Guys" that really raise my heckles:

"The Whistler" -He's the guy who hails a New York City taxi every time he gets excited, often RIGHT into your ear and often during a solo or something when you are trying to listen.

Punishment: 6 month sentence as a New York City door man.

"The Screamer" - Like the whistler, except this guy doesn't know HOW to whistle. So he yells throughout the show, usually during solos and again, in your EAR. He's often seen at Les Claypool shows going "Fuck yeah LES! You RUUUUUUULE!

Punishment: Muzzle

"Sweaty guy" - He's hairy, he's dancing and he's sweating profusely all over himself and anyone near him. It's tough to dislike this guy cause he IS OBVIOUSLY FUNKIER THAN YOU. I just would hope that he keep his shirt on and bring a towel.

Punishment: 6 month sentence as locker-room attendant for a pro football team

"Ecstasy Girl" - She's rolling WAY too hard. Usually you meet her when she does the "swim move" around or through you to get to the front. She's also smoking constantly and yapping away instead of paying attention to the band. They're extremely prevalent at Karl Denson shows.

Punishment: Forced conversion to acid... at least she'll learn something along the way.

"Stoner Squids" - These are the guys who gave pot a bad name. They smoke constantly, and only the best ridiculous kush stuff which they can break down by kingdom, genome, phylum and species, bragging about the UC Berkeley-trained botanist who grew it, or the rattlesnakes they fought to pick them up in Mendo'. BUT THEY NEVER SHARE, even if you stoop low and ask. "Ah sorry bro, there's not enough to go around."

Punishment: 6 months of Mexican brown swag

"Wastoids" - The other guys who give pot a bad name. These ones just can't stop smoking, even when they're already stoned. They're the stoner equivalent of an obese shut-in, like that guy in Seven. They're usually "Sweaty Guys" too and their inebriation makes them impossible to deal with. They're usually the ones lighting up in front of cops on a street corner and getting a whole party shut down. If they're tall, they have a hat on and keep swing back and forth right in front of you. If they're short, they're leaning on you or your girl to keep their balance.

Punishment: 6 Months on a Mormon retreat in the Utah desert

"The tall guy" - Look, I'm about 6'2" and thus, I seldom ever stand anywhere but in the back of a house, row etc because I feel bad for the people behind me. And yet there are always 6'8" guys who have no compunction at all about standing right in front of little 5'2" elves. PLUS, they sway back and forth throughout the show so even if you have a V-vision around the shoulder, it only lasts a minute. There ends up being an "aisle" behind them.

Punishment: Amputation at the knees

"The player" - This is the guy(s), (usually they come in pairs actually) that came to the show to get women. NOT TO SEE THE SHOW. They don't care much for the band and instead spend the whole show macking on every lady they see, including those who have a nice groove on, including girls with boyfriends, including the poor cocktail waitress whose fighting through 300 people to bring you a PBR. These guys belong at bars, NOT clubs.

Punishment: Marriage

"The Pry Bar" - So you finally have a good groove on and you and the folks in front of you (perhaps your significant other) have given each other a little bit of space between you. Not a LOT of space, but enough so that you can dance without doing the "bump". Then the "Pry Bar" arrives and slips in right in front (usually between songs when you aren't actively dancing). He stays there even though he's uncomfortably close to your genitals when you start dancing. Often it only takes some vigorous movement to get them to leave. Other times they make everyone AROUND them move to make space. This is particularly troubling when they are ALSO a "PLAYER" and pry in between you and your girl.

Punishment: Locked in a filing cabinet for 2 weeks.

"Dicks like Me" - Guys like me who can't stand all these other "That Guys" and send out bad vibes at them in a mental attempt to get them to leave the general vicinity.

Punishment: Dealing with above "That Guys"

Look, it's not that hard to be a productive member of the concert community. Enjoy yourself, behave yourself, and be considerate of those around you. Don't stand in front of someone shorter than you, take off your hat in a crowd, and share share share what you have. When your going to the bar, offer to get water. Cheer between songs or at least AFTER solos. And for god sakes, wear some deodorant.

Please feel free to add any more 'that guys' or 'that girls' you can think of and keep this post moving around... maybe we'll get to them sooner or later.

[AD]

posted about a week ago... with many humourous replies...

[kookycanooky]

last night at dungon i had the 'electricution guy', who dances like he's being electrocuted...shaking his head so violently its like a blurr....and all of his sweat just goes everywhere....gross