My last year on the computer

[Im going home Donny]

> Have fun reading this.

>

>

> I must send my thanks to whomever sent me the one

> about rat poop in the glue

> on envelopes because I now have to use a wet towel

> with every envelope that

> needs sealing.

>

> Also, now I have to scrub the top of every can I

> open for the same reason.

>

> I no longer have any savings because I gave it to a

> sick girl (Penny Brown)

> who is about to die in

> the hospital for the 1,387,258th time.

>

> I no longer have any money at all, but that will

> change once I receive the

> $15,000 that Bill Gates/Microsoft and AOL are

> sending me for participating

> in their special e-mail program.

>

> I no longer worry about my soul because I have

> 363,214 angels looking out

> for me, and St.

> Theresa's novena has granted my every wish.

>

> I no longer eat at KFC because their chickens are

> actually horrible mutant

> freaks with no eyes or

> feathers.

>

> I no longer use cancer-causing deodorants even

> though I smell like a water

> buffalo on a hot day.

>

> Thanks to you, I have learned that my prayers only

> get answered if I forward

> an e-mail to seven of my friends and make a wish

> within five minutes.

>

> Because of your concern I no longer drink Coca Cola

> because it can remove

> toilet stains.

>

> I no longer can buy gasoline without taking a man

> along to watch the car so

> a serial killer won't

> crawl in my back seat when I'm pumping gas.

>

> I no longer drink Pepsi or Dr. Pepper since the

> people who make these

> products are atheists who

> refuse to put "Under God" on their cans.

>

> I no longer use Saran wrap in the microwave because

> it causes cancer.

>

> And thanks for letting me know I can't boil a cup

> water in the microwave

> anymore because it will blow up in my

> face...disfiguring me for life.

>

> I no longer check the coin return on pay phones

> because I could be pricked

> with a needle infected

> with AIDS.

>

> I no longer go to shopping malls because someone

> will drug me with a perfume

> sample and rob me.

>

> I no longer receive packages from UPS or FedEx since

> they are actually Al

> Qaeda in disguise.

>

> I no longer shop at Target since they are French and

> don't support our

> American troops or the Salvation Army.

>

> I no longer answer the phone because someone will

> ask me to dial a number

> for which I will get a phone bill with calls to

> Jamaica , Uganda ,

> Singapore, and Uzbekistan .

>

> I no longer have any sneakers -- but that will

> change once I receive my free

> replacement pair from

> Nike.

>

> I no longer buy expensive cookies from Neiman Marcus

> since I now have their

> recipe.

>

> Thanks to you, I can't use anyone's toilet but mine

> because a big brown

> African spider is lurking

> under the seat to cause me instant death when it

> bites my butt.

>

> Thank you too for all the endless advice Andy Rooney

> has given us. I can

> live a better life now because he's told us how to

> fix everything.

>

> And thanks to your great advice, I can't ever pick

> up the $5.00 I found

> dropped in the parking lot

> because it probably was placed there by a sex

> molester waiting underneath my

> car to grab my leg.

>

> Oh, and don't forget this one either! I can no

> longer drive my car because I

> can't buy gas from

> certain gas companies!

>

> If you don't send this e-mail to at least 144,000

> people in the next 70

> minutes, a large dove with

> diarrhea will land on your head at 5:00 PM this

> afternoon and the fleas from

> 12 camels will infest

> your back, causing you to grow a hairy hump. I know

> this will occur because

> it actually happened to

> a friend of my next door neighbor's

> ex-mother-in-law's second husband's

> cousin's beautician.

edit to add...thankyou for informing me that if I neglect to seal and store my toothebrush out of the deadly open air of my fecal covered bathroom some heathen will ultimately flush the shit filled toilet while leaivng the lid up. Thus covering my bathroom with a fine film of fecal matter.

Thankyou.

I exspecially enjoy considering this while toweling off with our towels that hang innocently on the wall collecting fecal matter after a shower.

Edited January 8, 2007 by Guest

[YearsAlongTheSea]

I'm nervous, and apparently, covered in shit...