Tips for Dating a Musician

[bokonon]

My friend Wanda forwarded this to me, a little later than I needed it, but it's never too late for everyone else!!

Dating a musician is no easy feat. First you have to realize that the band will

always, no matter how important you think you are, come first. If you can't handle

that basic point, then don't bother reading the rest of these tips. It's never

gonna work out. Move on. Go date a dishwasher. If you're okay with being second

or maybe even tenth - below his tour manager - on his priority list, then you

might have a chance of happiness. Keep in mind, not all musicians are total

freaks. Some of them can end up being really sweet, especially if they have grown

up a little and realize that you love them for for who they are and not because

their video is playing on MTV. Good luck - you're gonna need lots, honey.

Make sure he realizes that you are indeed his girlfriend and not a groupie.

You're definitely gonna feel like one when you go to all his gigs to show

support. And don't get pissy when girls flirt with him. He's a musician and that

sorta thing goes with the territory. Just be sure he knows not to transform those

groupies into bimbo bed tourists. After all, if you trust each other, you

shouldn't be jealous of a drooling tart in pink fishnets.

Don't freak out if he breaks a romantic dinner date on account of band practice.

This will happen a lot. Chances are he was looking forward to spending time with

you, but spaced a band rehearsal. He means well. Really. Try not to place tons of

importance on timeliness.

Assuming his latest love song is about you is a bad idea. He did date girls (and

maybe guys) before you and probably still harbors feelings for them. Most likely,

unless you fell for a bubblegum pop star, he'll play the angry singer and won't

write a song about you until you break his heart or he breaks yours.

Album credits are for kissing peoples' butts or making amends. Don't expect to be

thanked in the liner notes unless you paid rent for the entire band for a year.

Remember, tributes are for bill payers (a.k.a. parents) and dead folks.

His guitar is his child. Do not borrow it, touch it, trip over it or mock it.

Even if it's a purple glitter guitar with a torn Alf sticker on it. His guitar is

sacred. His guitar is sometimes his only key to communication. He loves his

guitar more than people.

No one understands him and he likes it that way. It makes him feel different and

interesting. If you don't get his lyrics or you think his comments can be

slightly cruel at times, just deal with it. It's part of his act. If he makes a

mantra out of the phrases "you don't understand me" or "you have no idea what

it's like to be me," then just let it go. You probably do understand him all too

well, and that's what bugs him. You don't always have to be a musician to

understand one.

Many musicians also go down the path of indifference. Sometimes it's a direct

result of taking anti-depression meds, but on the whole it's just who they are.

It's amazing how musicians seem to pour out their souls in their music, but can't

handle an emotional conversation with their girlfriends.

On the other side of the coin, your boyfriend might end up being a drama queen.

This means he yells a lot about annoying band members or freaks out when the

sound system is screwy at his concert. Beware of this type. They often think they

are Jesus and have the nail marks to prove it.

Be careful dating the depressed musician. It might be nice to feel like this lost

soul needs you and only you. But as soon as you screw up in the slightest, you're

off his pretty pedestal and in the dumpster.

Getting collect calls at 3am on a regular basis from a boyfriend on tour who's

asking to be talked out of suicide, does not count as foreplay. Get him the kind

of help from people who are paid to deal with this sorta thing. You're supposed

to be his best friend, not his therapist.

Don't let yourself become your boyfriend's free promotions director. Seriously.

Just because he's your boyfriend doesn't mean his band is godly. So don't shove

his demo tapes in your friends faces like a religious cult member.

Heroin use is not cool. He may think it's neat because all his band heroes do it.

But unless you want to hold his head while he vomits nonstop or wake up next to a

corpse - stick with the fella whose only vices are coffee and cigarettes.

If your boyfriend takes up residence in the studio, be prepared: many a

relationship gets shoved into the tar pits because either he can't handle the

pressure of both a relationship and a record, or you'll get frustrated because he

knows how to use a mixing board but somehow forgets how to operate a phone.

Personally, I think if your relationship survives the studio stage, it'll survive

through anything. Of course, I've never passed this stage.

Get a life. Have other interests besides watching him practice his new song in

his bedroom twenty times. You don't need to be around him 24-7, and he'll be glad

to have the space. This tip holds true for any kind of boyfriend.

All contents copyright © 1996-2006 by Bonnie Burton. DISCLAIMER: By the way,

these tips aren't meant to upset the actual punkers, stoners, musicians, ravers,

goths and other types who visit Grrl.com. Sure not all musicians care more about

their guitars than their girlfriends, and not all stoners eat tons of Ho-Hos, and

not all goths wear black eyeliner, and not all ravers take E. But that's not the

point. THIS IS IN JEST AND GOOD FUN. Learn to laugh at yourself a little. After

all, not only have I dated all these stereotypes, but at different points of my

life I was each of these stereotyoes myself -- except for the Redneck, that is.

And discuss....