Tucker Carlson Dancing

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From limbo to the foxtrot

Aug. 14, 2006. 06:25 AM

VINAY MENON

Today's topic of discussion: Tucker Carlson.

Last week, the FishbowlDC blog reported some alarming news about the conservative pundit. "Impossible!" I thought, after reading the post. "There's no way this could be true!"

(Yes, my thoughts are now punctuated with exclamation points.)

On Saturday, the Washington Post ran a short item, confirming the story through anonymous sources. Get this: Carlson will compete on the next season of ABC's Dancing With the Stars.

Tucker. Freaking. Carlson.

Again, for the record, colour me skeptical. No, make that shocked. A shock bordering on disbelief. A disbelief that may trigger a fugue state, one where I start knocking on doors at midnight, begging strangers for warm milk and cookies and stories about Edward R. Murrow.

When I think about Carlson — which is not very often — there are certainly things that come to mind: Faux outrage. Check. Regrettable neckwear. Check. Abysmal ratings. Check.

But doing the cha-cha-cha with some hip-swaying hottie in front of a live audience? Ah, no. Bouncing around the stage in oxblood brogues and a prep-school blazer with his patented half-smirk, half-scowl? Nope. Flailing about, looking like somebody attached electrodes to his privates? Please, no.

ABC, apparently, will announce details of the coming season this morning. If Carlson's name is on the list, how much longer before Joe Scarborough finds himself on Big Brother, driving other contestants toward a murderous rage with his droning observations on how a bill becomes a law?

Carlson is clearly trying to modify his image from musty churl to ... light-footed hipster? To what end? Will young viewers flock to his eponymous MSNBC snoozefest to behold what the fox-trotting guy has to say about the Mideast crisis?

You almost feel sorry for the guy. I mean, scrambling up the fame ladder in the footsteps of a former Playboy Playmate or The Guy Who Played J. Peterman on Seinfeld?

So, so sad.

During those Crossfire years on CNN, Carlson seemed to be on the verge of a powerhouse career. Sure, he often came across as just another smug douchebag in the beltway. But, hell, he was perched beside Robert Novak, and next to that crabby ideologue even Lou Dobbs would seem boyishly charming.

So what happened? Well, go back to 2004. That's when Jon Stewart appeared on Crossfire. You know how that story ends. (If not, Google "partisan hackery," "stop hurting America," or "you're as big a dick on your show as you are on any show." Be warned: that last one may return unwanted websites.)

The strange part is that, over the past two years, as Carlson's profile faded like a newspaper on the beach, many of his fellow travellers on the right emerged as cultural superstars.

The last time Carlson made headlines was around December, when he said Canada was "stalking" the United States ("Canada has little pictures of us in its bedroom.") He also said Canada was the "retarded cousin you see at Thanksgiving and sort of pat him on the head. You know, he's nice, but you don't take him seriously."

Picking a fight with Canada? Dude, that's so 1999.

But getting back to the dancing.

In May, a female viewer (in possible need of an intervention) called to ask if Carlson would dance at the end of his show. No, he said, but then threw to a video segment in which he busted a move with senior producer Willie Geist.

It was a joke. I think. But watching that clip (it's available on YouTube) with this new information, it's easy to see why Dancing producers would covet the former bow-tie wearing gabber: he's a one-man spectacular!

In his camel-coloured jacket — palms outstretched, booty shaking, arms pumping, head jerked back, left leg inexplicably airborne — Carlson's Code Red dance moves are vastly more entertaining than his jaundiced world view.

So does he know what awaits? Probably not since last year he claimed to have never seen the show:

GEIST: "Ballroom dancing is really hot right now, Tucker. Have you seen this Dancing With the Stars show?

CARLSON: "I haven't. I missed that show, Willie. That's what TiVo's for, though."

GEIST: "I am not ashamed to tell you I TiVo it every week. You haven't lived until you have seen Evander Holyfield foxtrot. It's surreal, let me tell you."

CARLSON: "I think Erik Estrada may be on that show, or should be."

That was Carlson taking a condescending shot at the washed-up celebrities who inevitably gravitate toward "reality" TV. Because no public intellectual, you see, would turn tricks on Dancing With the Stars.

Good luck, Tucker! May you rumba and samba your way toward greater celebrity! But if Hollywood doesn't take notice, fear not, your retarded cousins will try not to giggle when we see you at Thanksgiving.

[Booche]

IMPOSSIBLE!

THERE'S NO WAY THIS COULD BE TRUE!