2006 in Review

[Guest Low Roller]

Got this from some message board... Funny stuff...

2006 IN BRIEF

JANUARY

Good news! Axl Rose said Chinese Democracy was going to be out by March '06…In other news, David Lee Roth said a Van Halen reunion was inevitable…Eminem protégé Obie Trice was shot in Detroit, but lived to be shot another day…Jamie Foxx became the first non-Ray Charles singer to use Ray Charles' talent to score a Billboard #1 album…Tom Jones was knighted, forcing him to forever to move ONE –TWO-OVER (that was for my dad)… Gary Glitter was too beaucoup old for some Vietnamese girls…One of the Bee Gees bought Johnny Cash's house and the sixth seal was opened…Michael Jackson forgot to pay for his llama's surgery…Pete Doherty had some legal trouble (part 1 of 12)…Britney Spears was named 2005's Worst Dressed celebrity, a problem she would soon remedy by ditching her underwear…Eminem and his ex-wife Kim remarried, a union that would surely last forever…Juvenile went all gangsta and didn't pay his child support…Rapper Nas left his longtime label Def Jam for Columbia Records and Jay-Z, but not before picking himself up a bulletproof vest on his way out...Cam'ron won the month's Stupid Rapper Award by getting arrested for GETTING SHOT

FEBRUARY

The rock world was turned on its ear when the Cars were rumored to reunite…I mean the Smashing Pumpkins…Mick Jagger found out that the NFL will by no means allow a dead man to come…Barry Manilow rode Clay Aiken's ass to a #1 spot on the Billboard 200, well, not literally…I don't think so, anyway…Jack Johnson also topped the charts for the first time in his career, even though it took a little monkey business to get him there…Metallica teamed up with Rick Rubin in a contest to see who had become less relevant since the early 90's…Kid Rock and Scott Stapp set about becoming the sex tape Tag Team Champions…The Sex Pistols turned their nose up at the Rock & Roll Hall of Fame, thus robbing a national audience of becoming confused as to why the fuck a bunch of guys that could barely play instruments would be nominated in the first place…Bono was nominated for a Nobel Peace Prize…FOR ROCKING THE FUCK OUT OF WORLD POVERTY!...Pete Doherty had some legal trouble (Part 2 of 12).

MARCH

In reverse news, rapper Cassidy actually got OUT of prison…High School Musical began its reign of terror on the Billboard charts, confounding critics, adults and tweens with good taste everywhere…Rockers Fuel decided to just say fuck it and hire a fan as their new lead vocalist…hey, it worked out great for that guy who USED to be in Judas Priest…Britney Spears traded in her "Worst Dressed" clothes for more maternity wear…Young Jeezy couldn't keep his gats to himself…Courtney Love put Nirvana up for sale…The Beastie Boys' concert film, which was shot by several fans in the audience with handheld cameras, was released to theaters, finally providing movie house's with a reason to put the word "Fuck" on their marquees…Ex-members of The Smiths turned down five million dollars to reunite for the 2006 Coachella Festival and, as a result, planned pricing for bottles of water at the event dropped back down from $55.50 to a reasonable $10…Michael Jackson closed Neverland Ranch, leaving hundreds of tied-up children homeless…Hank Williams Jr. was charged with harassment after putting a waitress in a headlock…to his defense, he was just trying to get her ready for some FOOTBALL!!!....The Pixies got back together again, but their five million dollar check is still pending…Prince's new album debuted at #1 on the Billboard charts, forcing everybody to party like it was…well, certainly not 2006.

APRIL

Death Row Records was seized by the US Courts in a disappointing bloodless coup…Eminem filed for divorce from his wife Kim…if those kids can't make it, who can?...KISS released their officially endorsed wine…remember when those guys made music?...Fred Durst and Wes Borland just could not agree on whether or not Limp Bizkit sucks more or less without Wes…The Red Hot Chili Peppers released their new single, "Dani California", which was the first song to debut at #1 on the modern rock charts in 12 years…it also sounded nothing like "Mary Jane's Last Dance"…Jack White and Mariah Carey forever chose sides in the cola war…Alice In Chains returned to touring under the false notion that Layne Staley was not the most important part of the band…Elton John's musical about guys sucking other guys debuted on Broadway…it was a vampire play, ya perv!...Bon Jovi topped the country charts, which does nothing to disprove the rumor that Nashville is 20 years behind the times.

MAY

Keith Richards hurt his brain…Illegal downloaders broke Flea's heart…Axl Rose SWORE that Chinese Democracy would be released in Fall of '06…DMX went all gangsta and refused to obey the fasten seat belt sign…The Dixie Chicks learned that speaking your mind doesn't always translate into ticket sales…The Game went all gangsta and…OH FUCK HE'S GOT A GUN!!!...Taylor Hicks became the first gray haired "American Idol" winner, defeating a runner-up who was not Clay Aiken…Beanie Sigel's career got a good shot in the arm when Sigel made the papers after getting shot in the arm…David Lee Roth got axed from his radio job, but still claimed that his return to the Van Halen fold was eminent…Wait, this had to be a joke: Paris Hilton said she was working on a new album…that piece of shit will NEVER see the light of day…The Dixie Chicks learned that speaking your mind does sometimes translate into album sales.

JUNE

DMX went all gangsta and didn't buckle up...yeah, again…Jonathan Davis got sick, forcing KORN to cancel tour dates…fans were said to be keeping Davis in their prayers…The surviving Beach Boys reunited to celebrate the 40th anniversary of Pet Sounds…the event was said to be just like the old days, but with lawyers instead of bikini-clad girls…Pete Doherty had some legal trouble (Part 6 of 12)…50 Cent announced he was teaming with Apple CEO Steve Jobs to bring a new line of low priced computers to the ghetto…hey, where did my computer go?...Pop star Kylie Minogue announced that she was returning to the road and that her boobs were feeling much better…Axl Rose took a break from readying Chinese Democracy and bit a security guard…DMX went all gangsta and didn't show up for his scheduled court appearance, yo.

JULY

Lil' Kim was released from jail early due to good behavior…huh?...Johnny Cash debuted at #1 on the Billboard charts for the first time in over 30 years…Cash responded with a hearty "What the hell do I care?"…Paris Hilton set an August release date for her debut album and holy fuck, she really IS going to release it…Chris Cornell was tapped to perform the next James Bond movie theme, adding him to a list of enduring icons like Sheena Easton and a-ha…Guess which former *NSync member is gay? No. No. No. No. Yeah!...John Lennon released a couple of new songs, making a last ditch attempt to score another consecutive richest dead singer of the year award.

AUGUST

Dave Matthews Band fans were allowed to pick the songs that would appear on DMB's upcoming Greatest Hits compilation…so that's why that CD sucks like it does…Lil' Wayne went all gangsta and…well, drug possession is a pretty gangsta charge, actually…Busta Rhymes was arrested following a show in New York City, where there was a warrant for his arrest…so THAT'S why he was sweating so much…Keane frontman Tom Chaplin entered rehab, forcing the band to cancel their fall tour and fans of mediocre Britpop everywhere to be slightly disheartened…Beck announced that his new album would feature a cover you could design yourself…sadly, a box of crayons was not included…Tenacious D announced plans for their new movie, which would most certainly make tons of money at the box office…A Tribe Called Quest announced that they really had no clue what was going on with the band…didn't they break up in '98?...someone without the last name "Robinson" left the Black Crowes…Foxy Brown went all gangsta and smacked a bitch up (with a freshly manicured hand, natch)…Jay-Z announced his imminent return from retirement...two years of golf carts and gated communities were just too much for Jigga.

SEPTEMBER

Ronald Isley went all gangsta and didn't pay his taxes…Bob Dylan dropped a major SOY BOMB when he topped the charts with his first new album in five years…R.E.M. announced plans for a new album, mistakenly believing it was the lack of Bill Berry and not the fact that they haven't been relevant in ten years that made Around The Sun suck…The Rolling Stones got animated, making Mick Jagger the only man alive to have slept with both David Bowie AND Jessica Rabbit…Britney Spears had her second child…there's nothing funny about the miracle of life, folks…Audioslave released THE GREATEST ALBUM OF ALL TIME…(411 inside joke, folks)…Willie Nelson's family was interrupted by police during a quiet family meal of mushrooms and dope…Justin Timberlake brought sexy back just in time…Sting played with his lute…Wait, this can't be right…Steven Tyler has an STD?

OCTOBER

George Michael was busted, but not for anything interesting like that OTHER time…Gwen Stefani announced her second solo album as the other guys from No Doubt continued to swear they never saw this coming…Cassidy went all gangsta and crashed his car…Fabolous rallied hard to win the year's Gangsta Ass Gangsta Award by getting shot and arrested on the same day in SEPARATE instances…2Pac went all gangsta and ROSE FROM THE FUCKING GRAVE to announce a new album…Courtney Love and her new producer Linda Perry played a game of TOP THIS LIE when Love announced she was clean and sober, prompting Perry to respond that Love was second only to Bob Dylan as the greatest lyricist of all-time…I can't make that up, people…meanwhile, Kurt Cobain quietly accepted his award for "Richest Dead Guy Of The Year"...Snoop Dogg went all gangsta and…is that joke getting old yet? Cause we've got 2 months to go!…NBC and CW both announced that they were ashamed of the Dixie Chicks…doesn't feel very good, does it girls?

NOVEMBER

Hanna Montana's soundtrack topped My Chemical Romance on the Billboard charts, proving that the good of tweens will always defeat the evil of goth poseur teens…someone joined Van Halen, and it wasn't David Lee Roth…seriously, Eddie named his kid fucking WOLFGANG?...Snoop Dogg continued his gangsta ways, getting charged with weapons possession… Hawthorne Heights found themselves the envy of all the girls, as they were being fought over by two different labels…Genesis reunited with Phil Collins, but sadly, either parties have yet to learn to dance…String Cheese Incident announced retirement plans, causing a small subset of stoners to be quote "bummed out"…Britney Spears gave Kevin Federline a big F-U…Jay-Z played 7 shows around the United States in just 24 hours…fans who stood around forever for those 30-minute sets were no doubt PSYCHED…The Game went all gangsta and impersonated a cop…Donuts?...Guns N' Roses couldn't play without liquor, but they sure as fuck couldn't play with Eagles Of Death Metal…Hanson and The Killers released some iTunes exclusive Christmas tunes…wait, seriously, Hanson is still around?

DECEMBER

Slipknot went on hiatus, a perfect chance to get those masks dry cleaned…seriously, those things have to smell wretched by now…Pete Doherty had some legal troubles (Part 12 of 12)…with Staind and Slipknot on hold, folk rockers America realized it was just the opening for a comeback they'd been waiting for…sadly, Yoko Ono was NOT assassinated by her blackmailing chauffer in time for Christmas…Trey Anastasio was arrested for DUI and, fuck, if the guy wasn't smiling even in his mug shot!...Axl Rose raised his hand to GOD ABOVE that Chinese Democracy would hit stores by March of 2007…Meat Loaf announced a big North American tour…hide the buffets!...Journey brought on a new vocalist…it would have been funny if it had been Chris Daughtry…see, because Journey sucks even more than Fuel..get it?...in the worst music related injury since Neil Young cut himself while making a sandwhich, Replacements frontman Paul Westerberg hurt his hand…Bono was awarded knighthood,,,is it possible to be OVERQUALIFIED to be a FUCKING ROCK SINGER?...the Hardest Working Man In Show Business punched out.

[NewRider]

HAHAHAHAAAAA.... brilliant!!!

[afro poppa]

yea thats a long read but there are some real gems in there...i like the cheese line

[Jaimoe]

For me, being in attendance to see CBGB legends Television live @ The Phoenix headlining last year's NXNE festival will never be topped.

[Dr_Evil_Mouse]

I think one of my own highlights had to be our 9-year old daughter pulling me up to the front of the stage to watch the Rhythm Devils at the Gathering of the Vibes in the summer. Sure made me feel like I've done alright so far in her musical education .