Awesome Rap Battle (Donut vs Sov)

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Saw this hilarious thing at Pitchfork. Lady Sovereign was called out by a jelly donut at a gig.

What a week for Lady Sovereign! The ecstasy of victory, the agony of defeat. Playboy bunnies, jelly donuts. Late night television.

It all started Monday night, January 8, when Sov performed at San Francisco's Mezzanine club (a make-up show for when she was sick back in November). However, this wasn't an ordinary performance. It was a battleground.

Remember that guy in San Francisco who raised $10,000 to take Lady Sovereign on a date? And remember how she dissed him in the press after the date? Well, that guy brought a friend on the date. And that guy happens to be a rapper. A rapper who calls himself Jelly Donut. And who dresses up like a giant donut. Which he did at the Lady Sovereign show at the Mezzanine on Monday night. And challenged Sov to a rap battle.

Sov was not having it. Apparently, she spit on, poured Red Bull on, and eventually kicked out the man in the donut costume. However, the crowd was on Jelly Donut's side, bombarding her with chants of "BATTLE JELLY DONUT!" and pieces of paper with an image of a donut on them (provided by the man himself, of course).

Jelly D vs. SOV

Holy shizzle.

Last night was MADNESS! Let's start at the top. For those of you who don't know, Jelly D has beef with UK rising rap star Lady Sovereign. My man Zach Slow raised $10,000 to take her on a crazy date (yacht, champagne, blunts… the whole dealy). Well it actually worked and yours truly, Jelly D, tagged along. She was having a blast until half-way through the night when lil' SOV got too wasted and all pouty. It was as if a clown showed up to her birthday when she really wanted a pony. We continued to party with her peeps and make the most of it. But post date, the ornery elf started saying we were creepy, dissing Z's grandma and making up lame claims about the night to the likes of Spin Magazine and other large media sources that rising stars mingle with. We were like, "Bwahhh?" Zach's stunt had just earned her a TON of publicity and we just wanted to have a crazy night. I guess we hadn't counted on her being a cranky twat.

(check the whole backstory at www.helpmegetrandomwithladysovereign.com )

Anyway, the Jelly D ain't one to hate, but once she brought the elderly into it we had to put the dough in the fryer. We decided to take the beef to the next level the way most hip-hoppers do: a battle. It's not the easiest thing in the world to arrange a rap battle between a pastry and Jay Z's newest nuisance, so we decided to go guerilla. Yes, a hostile jelly flood at her January 8th show at Mezzanine in San Francisco.

Zach and some other homies secured about 50 tickets to the show, while other friends got their own. We met at a secret warehouse (kind of like the bat cave, but with more stoners hanging around) to go over our plan of getting the Donut in the door and wreaking havoc during the dirty munchkin's performance. Amidst cheers and gulps of Sparks, our rag tag band of ninjas reworked the plan. We hit Mezzanine and there was an electric buzz in the air, with a hint of raspberry. With the Donut covered in "I Love SOV" signs, there was no problem getting the giant thing in the door (although the donut suit is forever scarred having donned such profane accessories). Now we just had to spread the word and get krunk. Our team of about 70 peeps handed out pictures of a jelly donut and explained the beef. By the time the SOB went on, the entire crowd knew shit was about to go down. I was positioned just a few rows back from the stage, surrounded by ma krispy krew.

As planned, after SOV's fourth song, I threw the Donut on and some homies lifted me up. Over a hundred people started chanting "Battle Jelly Donut! Battle Jelly Donut!" It was awe-inspiring. The lil' brat tried to continue with her next song, but she couldn't nail the lyrics. The crowd continued the chant through the entire song. It was like the song's new fucking refrain. Beautiful. Once that ditty finished, SOV started to crack. The chant continued and hundreds of people were waving the donut pictures. She started mumbling grandma insults again (what is this skank's beef with the age-ed?). People threw jelly donut pictures onstage and she wiped her ass with one. Classsssy. "BATTLE JELLY DONUT! BATTLE JELLY DONUT!" Did. Not. Stop. Her next reaction was to take an entire vodka red bull and throw it in my face (and all over the donut and surrounding fans). That was bold, because she relies heavily on such beverages to fuel her lackluster performances. We came back louder. I was shouting, "Gimmie a mic! Two minutes! Let's do this! You dissed me!" Her vodka red bull was soaking into the dough and mingling with the jelly. I was AMPED.

The next display from this "artist" was the definition of grace. She hawked a crumpet-sized loogie that landed on the donut, missing my face by an inch. (One might harken back to Pumpkin's assault on New York in the high society reality-drama "Flavor of Love") Now, she had a good vantage point from which to launch the loog, but her accuracy was still pretty astonishing. It may have, in fact, been the most impressive achievement of her entire tour. You could naively claim that her massive sinus chunk's near bulls-eye was a result of dumb luck, but foul members of the semi-professional spitting world will tell you otherwise; this ho is well-trained in the art of Lung-fu. I was NOT her first spitting victim, fair readers. In fact, before she launched her sticky missile, I could have sworn I saw her neck ruffle out a little bit like those little spitter dinosaurs in Jurassic Park. "Lady," my asshole.

Everything she did just enraged the crowd further. The chant continues. She's pissed. She pretends to jump into the crowd to kick me. "BRING IT!" I shout. Her security guys are ready for action. The last thing I hear her say to them is "If you don't dropkick him, I'm gonna do it." Her bitching is louder than her bite. The security guards move on me and pull me through the crowd towards the exit. My last view is of drinks and jelly donut pictures being thrown at her. The last thing I hear, a mix of boos and "Battle Jelly Donut!"

So then I'm out in the alley, just breathing in what went down. It's fucking fun to be a donut. Homies start pouring out of her show. We're all jumping around, replaying the scene. Not long after, the show ends and the rest of the crowd spills out. I'm still in Jelly Donut mode and a lot of peeps want to see what the hype is all about. Inspector Double Negative drops a beat and I launch into some SOV-bashing cipher shit (we'll get some video up soon). Now this is the kind of SPITTING that hip-hoppers usually engage in during battles. Maybe the UKs different. I doubt it though. The crowd is huge and the "JELLY DONUT!" chant resumes. I predict that this party's not stopping til po po shows up. I mean, we're crowded around the lil' gremlin's tour bus! The dwarf can't leave the building with the mayhem outside. I'm guessing she's investigated all prospects of how she could spit her way out. Her last option is to get the fine men and women of the SFPD to break up the party. I'm not going to jail for that lil' stinker, so we roll out, proud that we fully represented the Bay, baked goods and grandmas alike. Thanks Bay Area, for sticking up for what is right, sweet and delicious.

And if you're reading this SOB, the beef is on the grill. You spat on the wrong pastry. If you ever get the eggs enough to have that battle, I'm waiting. Otherwise, you never know where the jelly might bubble up…

4 Rizzle,

Jelly D

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I love this sort of Guerrila shit. I wish I'd done more of this over the year.

She was having a blast until half-way through the night when lil' SOV got too wasted and all pouty. It was as if a clown showed up to her birthday when she really wanted a pony.

You get the sense, and this is from other stuff I've read too, that Sov is about as sophisticated as the thugged out british twat she comes off as.