Michael Phelps Returns To His Tank At Sea World

[Basher]

Michael Phelps Returns To His Tank At Sea World

August 21, 2008

ORLANDO—Fourteen-time Olympic gold medalist and SeaWorld main attraction Michael Phelps returned to his seven-million-gallon water tank Wednesday to resume his normal schedule of performing in six shows a day for marine park crowds every day of the week.

Phelps, the 6'4", 200-pound aquatic mammal, and the first ever SeaWorld swimmer to be raised in captivity by foster swimmers (Mark Spitz and Dara Torres), was recaptured by trainer Bob Bowman in a hoop net baited with an entire Dutch apple pie following Phelps' final Olympic event last Sunday. Phelps was then tethered to the rudder of a container ship bound for St. Petersburg, guided down local waterways, and introduced back into his home habitat, the tank in SeaWorld's 5,500 seat stadium, known to park officials and visitors alike as "Phelps' Happy Harbor."

"Michael seemed really excited to be back," said Bowman, adding that the male swimmer became playful upon entering his tank, breaching the water and sounding repeatedly. "He just started swimming freestyle and backstroke, and only stopped to slide belly first onto the tank's platform so he could be fed dozens of fried egg sandwiches."

"He fell asleep at the surface of the water around midnight," Bowman added.

Though Bowman plans on continuing the long-running aquatic show "Michael, The Yankee Doodle Swim Team Captain," in which Phelps was performing prior to leaving for Beijing, Bowman said he and Phelps would begin working on an all-new production, which will debut in September with the title "Champion!" Bowman has promised this show would be the most ambitious program in the history of Olympic swimmer sea spectacles.

Bowman says one stunt called the "Flying Medal" will begin with Phelps' 14 gold medals being suspended above the water. Phelps will then enter the stadium butterfly-stroking at full speed, coursing along the surface, and with every breach of the water, placing his head through the hoop of one medal after another. If Phelps is wearing all 14 medals at the end of the stunt, Bowman said, the swimmer will be rewarded with a whole pizza and a pound of cooked enriched pasta.

Bowman confirmed that the routine would also feature the signature aquatic feats that audiences from around the world have come to expect from Phelps, such as his trademark trick of 35 flip turns in 35 seconds, nuzzling a child with his nose, and Bowman himself "surfing" on Phelps' back while the subservient sea creature swims the breaststroke.

"Those seated in the first 14 rows should be prepared to get soaked," Bowman said, admitting that Phelps' powerful dolphin kicks would be added to the new program. "Also, Michael's two friends, [Olympic swimmers] Ryan [Lochte] and Jason [Lezak], will open the show with their humorous beach ball antics."

Beginning with the 1985's "Baby Michael Celebration," Phelps has entertained SeaWorld audiences for over 20 years. Spectators are not only enthralled with Phelps' exploits in the water, but his abnormally large torso, unusually small lower body, double-jointed ankles, gargantuan eating habits, the slurring, almost human methods of vocalization he uses to communicate, and his odd-looking goggle-covered face, all of which combine to make him the most unusual sight in all of Florida.

"I have never seen a stranger yet more majestic-looking creature," said husband and father of three Glenn McKay. "Last year we went to SeaWorld San Diego and saw [Michael's female counterpart] Michelle, and even though the show was a little funnier than this one, nothing compares to watching Michael almost hover over the water after launching his trainer into the air."

"Michelle" is SeaWorld's moniker for the Olympic gold medalist who was born Natalie Coughlin.

"I liked it when he played dead and floated in the water," added McKay's 8-year-old son Brandon, who was clutching a Michael Phelps stuffed doll. "I also liked when he blew water on everyone."

Though spectators—and ticket-sales personnel—are happy that Phelps is back at SeaWorld, members of the World Society for the Conservation of Olympic Swimmers released a statement yesterday saying that these athletic mammals should be released from captivity. The statement claims that there is conclusive scientific proof that confinement in smaller pools of water, as opposed to wide-open, Olympic-sized pools, causes the swimmers sensory depravation and a shorter lifespan.

"It's clear that Michael doesn't like being at SeaWorld," WSCOS spokesperson Jonathan Haines said. "When he was placed back into his tank, the slightly loose portion of his black swim cap immediately folded over to the right side, a telltale symptom of stress and angst. And you can be certain that, just before he left for Beijing, he didn't bite that little girl's arm off because he was happy."

The Onion, of course.

[Hal Johnson]

The Onion's sports section is great.

A-Rod Asks Jeter 'Is This Heaven?' While Playing Game Of Catch

NEW YORK—While warming up on the Yankee Stadium sidelines before Tuesday's game, Alex Rodriguez paused, looked up at the clear blue sky and the thousands of cheering fans in attendance, turned to Derek Jeter, and invoked a classic line from the 1989 film Field Of Dreams. "Hey, Derek?" Rodriguez said, inhaling deeply to convey a sense of wonderment and gesturing woodenly to the thick, green grass below his feet. "Is this heaven?" According to witnesses, Jeter chuckled mildly and then muttered "Fucking loser" under his breath.

[Hal Johnson]

...and I this one is awesome too...

"Furious Ozzie Guillen's Lineup Card Full Of Expletives

June 5, 2008 | | Onion Sports

CHICAGO—Still fuming after his team blew a late-inning lead in a loss to the Rays Sunday, White Sox manager Ozzie Guillen filled out Tuesday night's lineup card with a series of expletives, insults, and personal attacks on his players. The lineup card, posted in the dugout at approximately 6 p.m., referred to the team as the "Chicago Shit Sox," and read in part, "1. Orlando Fucking Cabrera, 2. Goddamn Motherfucking Neckless Bastard A.J. Shitbag Pierzynski DUMB!!! FUCK!!!, 3. Jermaine Fucking Gonna Dye Fucking Shit 0-For-5 Shitfuck Fuck Fucking Fucknuts Asshole Just Try Me Motherfucker." Guillen also announced that Nick Shitlicker [swisher] would be starting in centerfield and Jim Thome would be the "designated fuckface." Upon noticing that "Cocksucking Assbag Motherfucking Shitfucking Numbnuts Fuckhole" was penciled into the No. 4 spot, Paul Konerko expressed delight that he was batting cleanup."

[Basher]

Upon noticing that "Cocksucking Assbag Motherfucking Shitfucking Numbnuts Fuckhole" was penciled into the No. 4 spot, Paul Konerko expressed delight that he was batting cleanup."

Awesome.

[Patchoulia]

Oh, I love that Shit Sox report. 2 shit-covered thumbs up!

[Basher]

That Shit Sox story gets funnier each time I read it.

[Basher]

Remembering The Original Dream Team

August 21, 2008 | Onion Sports

Remembering The Original Dream Team

With the USA's "Dream Team" looking to redeem their poor 2004 performance, Onion Sports looks back on the first, and arguably the best, Dream Team:

In the 1988 Olympic games, U.S. amateur basketball players are only able to achieve a bronze medal, prompting FIBA officials to make sure that never happens again

Coach Chuck Daly wakes up one morning in 1991 and writes down a dream he had in which a team of all the NBA's best players easily defeated everyone in the world while wearing their pajamas; Daly later removed the part about the pajamas

During team USA's 116-48 whooping of Angola, Christian Laettner waits in the locker room to avoid getting in the way of the awesome players

The Dream Team plays the game against Lithuania in slow motion, dunking the ball 100 times

After a no-look-behind-the-back-pass from Larry Bird, Jordan dishes the ball to Magic Johnson, who throws it to Charles Barkley, who bounces it to Patrick Ewing, who sends it to Chris Mullin, who tosses it to Clyde Drexler, who throws it to David Robinson, who hurls it to Karl Malone, who slings it to John Stockton, who heaves it down the court to Scottie Pippen, who is stopped by the referees whistling the play dead because the Dream Team has 11 men on the court

Clyde Drexler plays an entire game without touching the ground once

Charles Barkley and Michael Jordan use their time together during fast breaks to learn that they both love gambling

Michael Jordan leads the way against Croatia with 22 points, finally settling the dispute over who is better, Michael Jordan or Croatia

A tearful Karl Malone clutches his gold medal and insists the feeling is better than winning an NBA championship as his fellow Dream Teamers hide their grins and nod supportively