Esau Posted February 12, 2003 Report Share Posted February 12, 2003 Shower Tragedy Leaves Countless Dead, Injured LAKESIDE - Those present in Jim Harrison's shower between 7:35 and 7:57 AM last Friday came back changed and jaded, if they came back at all. Harrison, in a brazen display of disregard for life, entered the shower at 7:35 and began the first of what would be many appalling crimes against nature. According to witness reports, Harrison's use of water exceeding temperatures of 160 degrees caused serious burns to all bacteria within the first areas of impact. Many breathed a sigh of relief after Harrison lowered the water temperature, but this was to be the proverbial calm before the storm. Within minutes the nightmare turned to apocalypse. The first area to be hit by Harrison's soap use were the bacteria living on his face. Within five seconds, an estimated two-hundred thousand came in contact with the evil emulsifier, resulting in the exploding death of all but three hundred. One survivor who chose not to be named described the feeling explained, "Coming in contact with the soap? It.. it's like, you know, when you've got a migraine, only you have it wherever the soap touches you, and your skin starts to pop open and bubble up and... the pain, oh God, the pain. God? There is no God. Oh, to be one of the dead today." Many who did not die from soap exposure were quickly drowned in a deluge of hot water. What started on Harrison's face did not stop for another twenty minutes as the process was repeated in several of the most populated areas on Harrison's body. The underarm district, asscrack junction, and crotch central were the next to suffer horrible losses. "I... I can still hear their screams," said Peg Nevakis, 3-hour-old mother of sixty-four. "I was sitting on the rim of the tub, making breakfast for my kids as I always do, and there it came: The Irish Spring. It was horrible." Nevakis was just one of many whose lives had been changed by the catastrophe in Harrison's shower. Jacques LeMieur is a resident of Fingernail #4, an area that suffered few casualties. "Zees eez an outrage!" says LeMieur. "I have been working on zees mural for ze lahst ten weeks only to be ruined by hot wat-Ehr!" As the nightmare came to an end, only one trial remained for the hardy survivors. With all of the major bacteria population centers wiped out, Jim senselessly poured shampoo into his hair, causing the last and most devastating blow against the bacteria. A cascade of lathery death left his body a barren wasteland. Jim Harrison now faces charges of mass murder. Although survivors have not all been accounted for, the current estimation of the death toll is just over ten million. The unimaginable scale of suffering leaves this author, like many, with confusion and doubt. To describe death on such a large scale is impossible. We would like to extend our sincerest sympathies to the bacteria involved. Esau13 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
shainhouse Posted February 12, 2003 Report Share Posted February 12, 2003 nice- Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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