arcane

CatPhish: HORSEPILL VITAMINS!!

Don't like gay marriage? Don't have one.

Eww ... vernix for the pantry ... ewww ... cheese jell-o ...

Tastes like Wiccan.

There are hiccups in my tummy.

Yup, yup, yup and yup!

Lying on the bed, the phone rings, and suddenly I remember the significance of the word "turtle" ... I turn into a chibi when that happens, arms and legs flailing around ...

BTW, I have a small wedge-shaped pillow ($15, Toys'R'Us) that I jam under my belly. I find it works better than a regular pillow.

Outside decorations? I'm talking about the snowmen, garlands and Santa Clauses in the family room.

In this case, the turkey gets to push out the stuffing. Urgh. At the least the hospital provides free access to a tank of nitrous oxide in the delivery room.

Is it too early to put up the tree? I hope not. We got a head start, too. Like, we still have decorations up from *last* Christmas.

This year I'll be getting a gift that opens *me* up. Let's see if I can pull a Maggie Trudeau and have *two* kids born on Christmas Day ...

Farting is the one thing I do well right now

Ski indoors in the Middle East:

Ski Dubai

Opening soon

Therapy is expensive, popping bubbles is cheap:

http://www.virtualbubblewrap.com/

I feel the same way about astrophysics.

Maybe I'm just a bitch.

Maybe adult life gives a person 2 options 1 being accepting a certain level of persistent politicing your way through the day or 2. drop out and write everybody off. Bleak ass.

Deeps, you are one bad fashion purchase away from needing a case of Midol

(Avoid turquoise jumpsuits and red boots, hmm?)

I'm seven and half months pregnant. I have a belly the size of a moose and a fetus that kicks like a mule whenever she damned well feels like it. Every time I try to move I either pinch a nerve or somehow encourage said baby to hoof me somewhere sensitive. Sleep is a distant memory. A certain someone else needs an attitude adjustment with a two by four.

I waddle. I bump into things. I'm constantly hungry but I have a stomach the size of walnut right now, thanks to baby pushing up. I need to pee every five minutes. Desperately.

It's snowing, but I don't have a coat that closes over my belly.

If you don't like the conversation at the office, just fart. For everything else, don't fart, take a deep breath. Which, incidentally, I can't do right now, either.

Coffee and pregnancy don't mix, either. It makes the baby hyper, and I'm already convinced I'm giving birth to a circus acrobat--she doens't need more encouragement.

The current thinking at my obstetrician's clinic is "Caffeine is bad, the occasional snort of booze is okay." When I go in for a checkup, they never ask if I've had any alcohol but boy, do they don't miss a chance to warn me about the evils of caffeine.

To be fair, a small amount is permissible, but Geez! I got the message several months ago!

We've got four squishy male rats, all off whom are, unfortunately, coming up on the end of their warranty.

Our alpha rat is particularly squishy. I'm sure I've seen dogs smaller than he is.

Not only were there no windows, but even when you left a class, you had to go down a hallway and up about two flights of stairs to see the sun.

And right after classes ended for the day, I would start my shift in the computer room on the lowest level of that building. No wonder that room was called "The Pit."

I like Halloween, but right after that, *pfffft* I need to hibernate. This year, the baby's knocking me right out; the change of season is making me more tired than ever.

* IBM stands for "I've Been Moved". OK, it doesn't. It stands for "Institute of Black Magic"...

Nope. It stands for "I've Been Misled." Just ask The Mercenary, whose contract there was terminated immediately when he notified them that he was being forced to go on medical leave.

You could walk into work with stuff from either of these two sites:

http://www.misspoppy.com/

http://www.landoverbaptist.com/

Bubba Ho-Tep

It's gotta be a group effort, or the gum thing might just piss off everyone else as well.

Things that could piss someone off in course of doing legitimate work:

-- Use a wireless headset for no other reason than the ability to pace around the room. When you get a call, go visit the cubicle of your object of annoyance and poke absentmindedly at her stuff, then when she tries to ward you off, point at the headset and shrug.

-- Use a speakerphone.

-- Ask for advice by yelling over the cubicle walls, especially when the object of your annoyance is talking or trying to concentrate.

-- Interrupt the conversations of the objects of your annoyance by offering or asking one or both of them for advice, on the pretext that you "couldn't help but overhear ..." Do this repeatedly. Get increasingly bizarre in the advice you offer.

Six to twelve dollars per hour for subject-matter knowledge *and* the ability to write? That would be a labour of love.

I don't have the subject-matter knowledge for this one, but even if it were in my own field of writing, I'd take the job only as a last resort and jump ship at the first better opportunity, simply to justify the effort or pay the bills. I would probably put it on my CV as a non-professional gig, simply to avoid getting tagged with that rate by future clients.

For a part-time job like that, my per-hour rate is *higher* than my regular rate, to compensate for the lack of cash flow and the potential interference with more stable opportunities.

It might be good for experience, but that rate isn't going to pay a whole lot of bills.

An "expert witness" in court is anyone with specialized knowledge that the court doesn't have, that will assist in the action. There is no list of credentials that an "expert witness" must have.

Hmm. You're a lawyer and I'm not, so maybe you can straighten this out for me.

My understanding (based on legal advice I received, at least as far as it applies to family court in Ontario) is that for certain professions, there was a minimum level for the court to qualify the witness. For example, to qualify as a psychologist to testify on matters of custody and access, the court would expect a minimum of a Ph.D. A fresh-faced B.A. just wouldn't cut it without some kind of mitigating experience. To qualify as an "expert' social worker, the court would expect a minimum of 20 or 25 years in the field, or a high level of education (beyond an MSW).

Mind you, accepting an expert witness is subject to the judge's discretion. *cough*

Of course, I would expect for a highly specialized application, that a high-falutin' degree or decades or experience might not be a reasonable expectation, hence the parking guy example. I suspect that the professionals called in family court are somewhat more generic, hence the rules of thumb. Perhaps in civil or criminal court, the same applies to the generic field of "engineer."

Aaaand your expert can always be trumped by a "bigger" expert, unless you have scads of cash or are particularly adept at sexual favours

A P.Eng is required for certain job functions, like sign-off on drawings and such. It's probably more prominent in civil and mechanical engineering.

Dave-O (or Low Roller), isn't a P.Eng pretty much required for acting as an expert witness in court?

(I don't have mine, either. I know very few engineers who bother; certainly most of the electricals I know don't.)

Hmmm ... The Mercenary was asking me how we should celebrate his divorce ...

Who said that a divorce doesn't involve cake and champagne?