Patchoulia

And from the Toronto Star...

As Patrolman T.E. Parsons prepared the machine, Cruz scooted his chair toward Parsons, lifted his leg and "passed gas loudly," the complaint said.

Cruz, according to complaint, then fanned the gas toward the officer.

"The gas was very odorous and created contact of an insulting or provoking nature with Patrolman Parsons," the complaint alleged.

He was also charged with driving under the influence, driving without headlights and two counts of obstruction.

Cruz acknowledged passing gas, but said he didn't move his chair toward the officer nor aim gas at the patrolman. He said he had an upset stomach at the time, but police denied his request to go to the bathroom when he first arrived at the station.

"I couldn't hold it no more," he said.

He also denied being drunk and uncooperative as the police complaint alleged. He added he was upset at being prepared for a breathalyzer test while having an asthma attack. The police statement said he later resisted being secured for a trip to a hospital that he requested for asthma treatment.

Cruz said the officers thought the gas incident was funny when it happened and laughed about it with him.

"This is ridiculous," he said. "I could be facing time."

Watch out Stoned Phillips!!

Why? Are you one of Ricky Martin's henchmen? Should I be a-scared!?

I'm not comfortable with the precedent that was set here.

You better watch yourself, mister.

If this is abuse, I'm a long-suffering victim.

I can't believe I didn't title this thread:

"Breaking News"

I'm so disappointed in myself.

Who's next, Tom Cruise?

He and Ricky Martin are going to be competing in a mud-wrestling cage match to determine who gets to declare their gay-ness next.

Wow.

http://www.thesmokinggun.com/archive/years/2008/0924081gas1.html

Cop Hit In Gas Attack

West Virginia DUI arrestee charged with farting in officer's face

SEPTEMBER 24--Meet Jose Cruz. In the long history of American jurisprudence, the West Virginia man may be the first defendant to ever be charged with passing gas in the face of a law enforcement officer.

Cruz, 34, was driving with his car's headlights off Monday night when he was pulled over by West Charleston cops, who noted that Cruz appeared to be intoxicated.

After failing a series of field sobriety tests, Cruz was arrested and transported to police headquarters, where he allegedly committed another offense, according to a September 23 criminal complaint.

While being fingerprinted, Cruz allegedly "lifted his leg and passed gas loudly on Ptlm. Parsons. The defendant then fanned the air with his hand in front of his rear onto" the cop.

"The gas," the complaint notes, "was very odorous and created contact of an insulting or provoking nature with Ptlm. Parsons."

In addition to the DUI count, Cruz was also charged with battery on a police officer for the farting incident.

In an interview, Cruz said that while he "farted multiple times," it "wasn't directly in [the cop's] face."

Asked if he fanned the fetid air toward the officer, Cruz admitted that he did, but said it was in retaliation for the cop insisting he take a breath test while he was having an asthma attack.

"I said, 'Here, put that in your Breathalyzer," he recalled.

Cruz, who works as a boilermaker, said that he has been arrested more than a dozen times, including twice previously for drunk driving.

After posting $500 bond, Cruz was released this morning from a Charleston jail where he had been held on the misdemeanor charges.

It's basically on online bulletin board--so selling stuff, real estate, personals, etc etc.

We'd be going to Hamilton instead, except I can't get free tickets to that one.

Have fun Friday night!

I always believed the tags just randomly showed up in the mailbox, but that can't be right. My dad must have donated to the cause.

Sadly, the following is NOT an exaggeration...I'm also concerned that I don't remember writing it or submitting it to Craigslist...I must have been sleep-blogging or something at the time...

I don't want to be a woman anymore. Thank you.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Due to my last drinking fiasco, I was determined never to drink again.

Unfortunately, I hadn't taken into consideration the fact that I had to attend a baby shower AND a wedding in one measly weekend.

Tell me how to traverse that hellacious terrain sober!

You can't.

If you are a male reader, you may not understand the colossal burden specific to women - we are expected not only to attend every shower and wedding that comes down the pike, but we're expected to enjoy it.

Well, fuck that. I didn't inherit that gene.

Being happily childless, going to a baby shower is akin to having a piranha give you oral sex.

Guaranteed things that will occur:

1. Several annoying hags will ask you, "So when are YOOOOOOOOOOU going to have a baby? Hmmm?", as they look disapprovingly over the tops of their glasses. These same hags will shake their heads sadly when you inform them, "I would rather dip my face in acid then have my crotch ripped open by a head the size of a pumpkin, thank you."

2. You will be forced to play insipid games such as "Decorate Someone with Toilet Paper", or "The Clothespin Game". If you're a woman, you know what I'm talking about. If you're a man, get on your knees and thank jeebus you have a penis.

3. You will have to eat finger sandwiches. Okay, this shower is at lunch time, therefore, I want food. I don't want watercress and air sandwiches with a side of jordan almonds, mmmkay?

4. You will have to sit through the opening of 5000 presents, each one of which will be held up for the requisite "oooh" or "aaah".

Word to the wise: Don't drunkenly yell out, "That headband is going to make your daughter look like she has a garter on her head and is heading out to a baby prom."

This is frowned upon.

5. You will have to sit through hours of what I like to call "Delivery Horror Story Porn". This is where every mother at the shower will give you the story of all their deliveries in 3D Technicolor. For example:

"I tore from front to back! 35 stitches!"

"I delivered a placenta the size of a Labrador Retriever!"

"My kid was stuck in the birth canal for 72 hours, she had a conehead!"

"My boobs deflated after I stopped nursing and now they look like windsocks!"

When they see the look of utter repugnance on your face, they will try to convince you that:

"It's a beautiful experience!"

"You forget the pain!"

"You'll never understand anything in this world or be a complete person unless you experience it!"

Alcohol should be served mandatorily at baby showers. Since it's not, be sure to bring your flask.

Personally, I would rather watch the 49'ers lose for the millionth time than go to another shower, but since I have a vagina, I'm sure I'll be forced to attend many more.

Is it wrong that I want to go to this?

HELL NO! I SO want to go to this show.

Awesome. I'll see if I can score some tickets.

So I guess you can't see the picture posted..weird..

http://www.photobasement.com/death-by-condom/

Is it wrong that I want to go to this?

But, if we can't judge others, how do we know that we're better than them?

I'm so confused...

I don't even know where to begin...

I cannot believe Carrell was able to keep a straight face through all that...

HENCHMEN NEEDED

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Date: 2008-08-05, 2:34PM BST

20-30 henchmen needed for moderately-sized supervillain organisation with large expansion potential (fortresses built into geological structures, corruption of government officials, possible genesis of 'nemesis' vigilante). Electrical theme.

Applicants must be willing to learn new skills, including but not limited to operation of specialised 'lightning guns'. Applicants will also be required to wear specialised uniform when at work (functional rubber suits with my logo on front), except in cases where deception is required (posing as hostages in order to ambush vigilantes, etc).

Desired (but not necessarily required) in applicants:

-interesting deformations/obsessions/powers(?) giving rise to interesting nicknames (e.g. Claws, Pyro, Buzzsaw, and similar)

-unwavering loyalty

-being a corruptible government official

-ability to work as part of a close-knit team (unless interesting obsession is of the 'lone wolf' variety)

-grudge against any well-known vigilante

-flexible moral code

Equal opportunies employer. Both henchmen and femmes fatales absolutely welcome.

Great promotion opportunities - right-hand-man position constantly being unexpectedly opened. Would look good on any future supervillain resume/CV.

Send an email with details of any prior henchman work, or details of what is driving you to join the ranks of a supervillain organisation. Will reply to all serious applicants. Hope to hear from you, and with luck, welcome you into a rewarding and promising career!

- Jacque (The Zapper) Zerapi

Location: London, but planned worldwide expansion

Compensation: £20,000pa starting salary, with added commissions based around success of supervillain operations. Contracts negotiable depending on applicant's personal skills/powers.

Principals only. Recruiters, please don't contact this job poster.

I hadn't had KFC in well over a decade til last weekend. It was a decent veggie burger.

And I'm glad they now offer the option--not cuz KFC is going to be a place I'm going to eat now, but, because, they now offer the option. Who knows who might choose it--but at least it's there.

And I'm happy because they've committed to be less dickish in the way they treat the animals they kill. That's huge.

I'm not sure how omnivores who often don't give a second thought about the origins of what they're consuming can complain about a positive move made towards animal rights...but I guess we're a debating bunch, as a society.

I don't care how ridiculous the whole thing is, or how skeptical everyone is about the motives of the parties involved, the bottom line is that KFC now seems to be committed to being more humane in their treatment of animals and is offering a veg (or, at least, veggie-er) option.

Every little bit helps.

Like any of us could do shit while drunkenly stoned listening to the Dead and lauging at everything.

At least someone was able to make sangria out of that horrible homemade wine (me) and at least someone was able to go get delicious skewers and greek dips to BBQ (mike)...we had it together. Ish.

Gill stole/rescued that dog from a crazy farm she used to pass by on her way home from work that summer.

That dog used to eat the crotch out of every pair of pants/underwear that weren't out of her reach.

I'm sure she came by her nutiness because of the abuse she suffered before she came to us...but, boy, was she hard to deal with...

Bass Player

Transcribed from: Comedy Central

Transcribed by both: KdsInThHal@aol.com and I Hecubus@aol.com

[Opens with Shadowy Men On A Shadowy Planet playing music, Bruce McCulloch sitting in a chair playing bass. Kevin McDonald appears from behind Bruce]

Kevin: That's the best bass player I ever heard. He's playin' so sweet, I'm gettin' chubby. You know what I like best about the bass player? His neck.

[bruce bobs his head a few times]

Kevin: Oh, he made a little mistake. You may not have noticed it, but if you did, I think you'll enjoy my tale. Hmmm....

[singing:] The mother, the father, the serpent, the priest. The foreman, the woman, the widow, the beast.

Hey, bass player. Look at the bass player. Look at that smile, there's sadness in that smile. Look at that chord structure, there's sadness in that chord structure. Look at him flail like the wailin' wall with nothin' but stubby fingers and a dumb look on his face. He don't know it but he's balding...spiritually. But everybody hates the bass player. No one invites the bass player to the party after the show.

Bruce: Hey, what are you guys doin' after the show? Oh, nothin'? Okay.

Kevin: If he does go to the party, he can only get the good looking girl's... best friend.

Bruce: Is Heather coming?

Kevin: [laughing] Heather...The bass player is the loser of the band, yes he is, if you don't believe me take a look at the one you're with. But, there's something beautiful about the bass, sometimes when I listen to it, I--I don't know, I get caught up in the swirl, I'm flying, I'm flying Ma, over a big beautiful lake. He's playing the bass and I'm flying. Sometimes when I land I'm in a different neighborhood, but that's okay, 'cause whenever I listen to the bass player, I always bring cab fare. But after all, aren't we all bass players? Aren't you all bass players? They told me this was a bass players convention, you are all bass... Pick up the beat, pick up the beat. Hide the sadness, and tap your feet.

Singing: The mother, the father, the serpent, the priest. The foreman, the woman, the widow, the beast. Aren't you glad that you're not one?

[Kevin hides behind Bruce's chair and SMOASP begin playing once again]

Have you considered Carrot Top? Or maybe Louie Anderson? Isn't that Celine Dion show still going on?

Booche, that dog, Jerry, had insane separation anxiety..the barking, the chewing, the pooping..oy...

relax man.

Dear Schwa,

You rock.

Love,

Julia

Not even just rain...a windy day will knock it out too...basically, any inclement weather..