AD Posted July 4, 2007 Report Share Posted July 4, 2007 from the facebook group "raisins, stay the fuck out of my cookies." Some time ago there was a place. A place called Hope. And in this place, there was a time. A time called Desire. And in this place at this time someone decided that pieces of chocolate were delicious and decided to put them inside of sugar dough. That was an awesome idea. But then you, the ass-licking, vindictive raisin, got jealous and lonely and decided to be inside of my cookies sometimes too. That was not awesome. In fact, it fucking sucked. You're a chewy, obnoxious, healthy interruption to my cookies.Nature's candy? You know what-- fuck you. You're just the pathetic misshapen remnants of a grape, a mediocre fruit to begin with. You're in my cookie because you think you're so much better than chocolate chips, which happen to be awesome. You happen to suck.In conclusion, fuck you. Fuck you and your motherfucking vitamins and your minerals. I don't respect your sexuality. Fuck you and your cocky-ass fucking wrinkles. You look like my scrotum. And while you may or may not be significantly larger than my scrotum, you taste much worse. My scrotum is delicious. Chocolate chips are delicious. You are a punk. But this isn't about my scrotum. This is about the blood of my forefathers, spilt on the land that you defile with your miniaturized goodiness. This is about liberty, justice, and other various things that are really awesome, like tiger sharks. And velociraptors. Goddamnit are they kick ass. With their strong jaws and their many rows of razor teeth and sickle-shaped talons. I saw on the Discovery Channel that a flock of seven could tear apart Joe Lieberman in 18 seconds flat on a moderately humid day. That's so fucking cool. I wish I was like that sometimes--all powerful and strong. Sometimes when my roommate leaves I take all my clothes off and pretend I'm a velociraptor and pounce upon my roommate's desk as would a ferocious bloodthirsty velociraptor, knocking over his lamp with my semi-erect penis. And then I drink apple juice.Fuck you, raisins. Stay out of my cookies. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
NewRider Posted July 4, 2007 Report Share Posted July 4, 2007 "Sometimes when my roommate leaves I take all my clothes off and pretend I'm a velociraptor and pounce upon my roommate's desk as would a ferocious bloodthirsty velociraptor, knocking over his lamp with my semi-erect penis. And then I drink apple juice."That's fucking GOLD!!! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
YearsAlongTheSea Posted July 4, 2007 Report Share Posted July 4, 2007 I'll agree with both the fact that raisins have no place in my culinary endevours and the fact that most raisins are probably bigger than the author's sperm sacks... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Alexis Posted July 4, 2007 Report Share Posted July 4, 2007 aaron i thought you were the only one that did the velociraptor impression...looks like you've got some competition! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
NewRider Posted July 4, 2007 Report Share Posted July 4, 2007 Korey does it too, just not as well as me. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MarcO Posted July 4, 2007 Report Share Posted July 4, 2007 "But this isn't about my scrotum." Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Blane Posted July 4, 2007 Report Share Posted July 4, 2007 "this one time, on Facebook..." Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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