bokonon

sorry guys, I hope you guys won't break up over this.

HAHAHAHAHAHHAHA!! HILARIOUS!!

The above picture reminds me of a riddle I heard a while ago.

Q: What's the difference between a wife and a girlfriend?

A: about forty-five pounds.

Why do people like cable internet better than dsl?

I love that I'm at work and just got asked to play it again.

I suspect you'd only have to do that once Bokonon, and next year you wouldn't have to worry about any of those kind of events!

I don't think I've ever been to Craigslist, but I thought it was a site for selling things. Then again, I thought Ween was thrash-metal before I listened to them. Am I wrong? What is Craigslist about?

Why don't you just go to Craigslist if you really want to understand it? Just sayin'......

I'm so glad! I have a wassabi deficit in my system. I have a big back yard in the country near dover, i think they should come play my house!

Sadly, the following is NOT an exaggeration...I'm also concerned that I don't remember writing it or submitting it to Craigslist...I must have been sleep-blogging or something at the time...

I don't want to be a woman anymore. Thank you.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Due to my last drinking fiasco, I was determined never to drink again.

Unfortunately, I hadn't taken into consideration the fact that I had to attend a baby shower AND a wedding in one measly weekend.

Tell me how to traverse that hellacious terrain sober!

You can't.

If you are a male reader, you may not understand the colossal burden specific to women - we are expected not only to attend every shower and wedding that comes down the pike, but we're expected to enjoy it.

Well, fuck that. I didn't inherit that gene.

Being happily childless, going to a baby shower is akin to having a piranha give you oral sex.

Guaranteed things that will occur:

1. Several annoying hags will ask you, "So when are YOOOOOOOOOOU going to have a baby? Hmmm?", as they look disapprovingly over the tops of their glasses. These same hags will shake their heads sadly when you inform them, "I would rather dip my face in acid then have my crotch ripped open by a head the size of a pumpkin, thank you."

2. You will be forced to play insipid games such as "Decorate Someone with Toilet Paper", or "The Clothespin Game". If you're a woman, you know what I'm talking about. If you're a man, get on your knees and thank jeebus you have a penis.

3. You will have to eat finger sandwiches. Okay, this shower is at lunch time, therefore, I want food. I don't want watercress and air sandwiches with a side of jordan almonds, mmmkay?

4. You will have to sit through the opening of 5000 presents, each one of which will be held up for the requisite "oooh" or "aaah".

Word to the wise: Don't drunkenly yell out, "That headband is going to make your daughter look like she has a garter on her head and is heading out to a baby prom."

This is frowned upon.

5. You will have to sit through hours of what I like to call "Delivery Horror Story Porn". This is where every mother at the shower will give you the story of all their deliveries in 3D Technicolor. For example:

"I tore from front to back! 35 stitches!"

"I delivered a placenta the size of a Labrador Retriever!"

"My kid was stuck in the birth canal for 72 hours, she had a conehead!"

"My boobs deflated after I stopped nursing and now they look like windsocks!"

When they see the look of utter repugnance on your face, they will try to convince you that:

"It's a beautiful experience!"

"You forget the pain!"

"You'll never understand anything in this world or be a complete person unless you experience it!"

Alcohol should be served mandatorily at baby showers. Since it's not, be sure to bring your flask.

Personally, I would rather watch the 49'ers lose for the millionth time than go to another shower, but since I have a vagina, I'm sure I'll be forced to attend many more.

I'm going to make about a hundred and seventy copies of this to send back as RSVP for every shower, wedding or buck and doe I'm asked to attend.

lol dogs?!? Life just got sweeter!

holy old people, Batman!

I will never tire of lol cats

and beer! oh sweet beer, how did i almost forget that?!?

Don't love cell phones. But bikers.. check! Ford Trucks....oh fuck yeah! and leather....Check!

don't forget bacon.

and books

and ac dc

and mushrooms

and sunshine

and slippery things

and these are a few of my favourite things.

Same difference.

baconon

wanna eat me?

Do you smell like hickory or maple smoke?

Aloha' date='

Brad[/quote']

i can do whatever you need.