MarcO Posted February 6, 2006 Report Share Posted February 6, 2006 (edited) New Rule: Stop giving me that pop-up ad for Classmates.com! There's a reason you don't talk to people for 25 years. Because you don't particularly like them! Besides, I already know what the captain of the football team is doing these days: mowing my lawn. New Rule: Don't eat anything that's served to you out a window unless you're a seagull. People are acting all shocked that a human finger was found in a bowl of Wendy's chili. Hey, it cost less than a dollar. What did you expect it to contain? Trout? New Rule: Stop saying that teenage boys who have sex with their hot, blonde teachers are permanently damaged. I have a better description for these kids: lucky bastards. New Rule: If you need to shave and you still collect baseball cards, you're gay. If you're a kid, the cards are keepsakes of your idols. If you're a grown man, they're pictures of men. New Rule: Ladies, leave your eyebrows alone. Here's how much men care about your eyebrows: do you have two of them? Okay, we're done. New Rule: There's no such thing as flavored water. There's a whole aisle of this crap at the supermarket water, but without that watery taste. Sorry, but flavored water is called a soft drink. You want flavored water? Pour some scotch over ice and let it melt. That's your flavored water. New Rule: Stop fucking with old people. Target is introducing a redesigned pill bottle that's square, with a bigger label. And the top is now the bottom. And by the time grandpa figures out how to open it, his a** will be in the morgue. Congratulations, Target, you just solved the Social Security crisis. New Rule: The more complicated the Starbucks order, the bigger the asshole. If you walk into a Starbucks and order a "decaf grande half-soy, half-low fat, iced vanilla, double-shot, gingerbread cappuccino, extra dry, light ice, with one Sweet-n'-Low and one NutraSweet," ooh, you're a huge asshole. New Rule: I'm not the cashier! By the time I look up from sliding my card, entering my PIN number, pressing "Enter," verifying the amount, deciding, no, I don't want cash back, and pressing "Enter" again, the kid who is supposed to be ringing me up is standing there eating my Almond Joy. New Rule: Just because your tattoo has Chinese characters in it doesn't make you spiritual. It's right above the crack of your ass. And it translates to "beef with broccoli." The last time you did anything spiritual, you were praying to God you weren't pregnant. You're not spiritual. You're just high. New Rule: Competitive eating isn't a sport. It's one of the seven deadly sins. ESPN recently televised the US Open of Competitive Eating, because watching those athletes at the poker table was just too damned exciting. What's next, competitive farting? Oh wait. They're already doing that. It's called "The Howard Stern Show." New Rule: I don't need a bigger mega M&M. If I'm extra hungry for M&Ms, I'll go nuts and eat two. New Rule: If you're going to insist on making movies based on crappy, old television shows, then you have to give everyone in the Cineplex a remote so we can see what's playing on the other screens. Let's remember the reason something was a television show in the first place is that the idea wasn't good enough to be a movie. New Rule: No more gift registries. You know, it used to be just for weddings. Now it's for babies and new homes and graduations from rehab. Picking out the stuff you want and having other people buy it for you isn't gift giving, it's the white people version of looting. New Rule: and this one is long overdue: No more bathroom attendants. After I zip up, some guy is offering me a towel and a mint like I just had sex with George Michael. I can't even tell if he's supposed to be there, or just some freak with a fetish. don't want to be on your webcam, dude. I just want to wash my hands. New Rule: When I ask how old your toddler is, I don't need to know in months. "27 Months." "He's two," will do just fine. He's not a cheese. And I didn't really care in the first place. Edited February 7, 2006 by Guest it was george maher, I mean bill carlin, er Greg Rikso, um... well someone has rules, I don't so suck it hard Santa. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Birdy Posted February 6, 2006 Report Share Posted February 6, 2006 New Rule: and this one is long overdue: No more bathroom attendants. After I zip up, some guy is offering me a towel and a mint like I just had sex with George Michael. fuck this guy is hilarious. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
boiler Posted February 6, 2006 Report Share Posted February 6, 2006 OK I'll get rid of my registry. Just send cash to the boiler rat fund at... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ollie Posted February 6, 2006 Report Share Posted February 6, 2006 New Rule: If you need to shave and you still collect baseball cards, you're gay. If you're a kid, the cards are keepsakes of your idols. If you're a grown man, they're pictures of men.Hee hee. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Dr_Evil_Mouse Posted February 6, 2006 Report Share Posted February 6, 2006 New Rule: Just because your tattoo has Chinese characters in it doesn't make you spiritual. It's right above the crack of your ass. And it translates to "beef with broccoli." The last time you did anything spiritual, you were praying to God you weren't pregnant. You're not spiritual. You're just high. That's a keeper, alright! I'll never forget all the cheesy English slogans kids in Japan used to wear, some dozen years back, thinking at the time, God, I wonder if the English world would ever fall for the wearing the same dumb things in Chinese characters... Naw, I thought.... I love the second part of that, too . Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
timouse Posted February 6, 2006 Report Share Posted February 6, 2006 New Rule: Don't eat anything that's served to you out a window unless you're a seagull. People are acting all shocked that a human finger was found in a bowl of Wendy's chili. Hey, it cost less than a dollar. What did you expect it to contain? Trout? that's my favourite Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tooly Posted February 7, 2006 Report Share Posted February 7, 2006 pure gold, man i love carlin Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Hal Johnson Posted February 7, 2006 Report Share Posted February 7, 2006 This is Bill MAher. Im reading it right now. Its called: NEw Rules: polite musings from a timid observerFunny though... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Freak By Night Posted February 7, 2006 Report Share Posted February 7, 2006 Why did you think these were from George Carlin? "New Rules" is Bill Maher's schtick. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MarcO Posted February 7, 2006 Author Report Share Posted February 7, 2006 Why did you think these were from George Carlin? "New Rules" is Bill Maher's schtick. It was posted on PT as being from George Carlin. I thought some of you might appreciate it here.Sorry for any confusion.In any event, it sure is funny! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
The Chameleon Posted February 7, 2006 Report Share Posted February 7, 2006 "New Rule: Just because your tattoo has Chinese characters in it doesn't make you spiritual. It's right above the crack of your ass. And it translates to "beef with broccoli." The last time you did anything spiritual, you were praying to God you weren't pregnant. You're not spiritual. You're just high." Right on! This rule is so true! Ahhh, it's nice to know someone thinks like me. Comforting. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Freak By Night Posted February 7, 2006 Report Share Posted February 7, 2006 In any event, it sure is funny!Sure is! I received that Bill Maher new rules book for Christmas and read the whole thing that afternoon. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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