bONES Posted February 2, 2004 Report Share Posted February 2, 2004 this news paper gets me laughing SO hard with some of their articles anyone else here like to get their news from The Onion here's an example: Guy Just Totally Smoking Weed On Street MADISON, WI—Graduate student Danny Lindner, 26, reported that he was shocked Monday to see a guy just totally smoking pot right on the street. "This dude was, like, just walking down the sidewalk puffing on a joint, right out in the open," Lindner told roommate Kyle Rath. "I could totally smell it. It was so weird. What was he thinking?" Lindner added that it was broad daylight out. my own onion'ish tale: Window Washer Named New Canadian Idol Peterborough, ON-window washer BA Johnson (known as the singing window washer) was honoured with Canada's highest achievement over the weekend when he won the coveted Canadian Idol competition. "Window Washer", as some call him, is known for such hits as; blue, blue mountains in the sky ...as well as the cherished Christmas tune joy to the world When asked where he will go from here, Window Washer replied, "can you spare some change?" or in other words...he's going to continue to wash the windows on George St. as early as possible on weekend mornings and sing as loud as he always has..."over the blue, blue mountains in the sky". sidenote: Window Washer is as far as I know NOT related to BA JohnsTon...with a T Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
bONES Posted February 2, 2004 Author Report Share Posted February 2, 2004 more great reading... BOULDER—According to a study released Tuesday by the University of Colorado sociology department, approximately 95 percent of self-abuse cases in the U.S. go unreported. "As shocking as it may seem, unreported incidents of self-abuse number in the billions," said Dr. Henry Cracklin, director of the study. "This isn't just the plight of teenage boys and truck drivers. Self-abuse affects both genders and all ages. Nevertheless, a great majority of victims suffer the abuse in silence." ... continued here Above: 14-year-old Eric Jarrell, who reported he was self-abused four times the day this photo was taken. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
PalacePrincess Posted February 2, 2004 Report Share Posted February 2, 2004 quote: Above: 14-year-old Eric Jarrell, who reported he was self-abused four times the day this photo was taken. ah ha ha ha ha.... i heart the onion! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
hamilton Posted February 2, 2004 Report Share Posted February 2, 2004 Greatest satire site ever! Check out the following links, or go troll through the archives yourselves, if you want some good chuckles to start your week... God Answers Prayers of Paralyzed Little Boy God Finally Gives Shout-Out Back to All His Niggaz National Funk Congress Deadlocked on Get Up/Get Down Issue U.S. Forms Own U.N. Enjoy! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
bONES Posted February 3, 2004 Author Report Share Posted February 3, 2004 Toronto—Brian Sherman, 24, reported that a rock concert he attended at the ElMo Saturday was ruined by 35-year-old music fan Del Head's enthusiasm. "I was trying to enjoy [Ottawa-based rock group] Nero, but it was totally impossible because [Del-Head] was making a spectacle of himself," Basher said. "I couldn't even pay attention to the band. Halfway through the set, I had to leave." "I go out to a bar to have a good time, and I can't because there's some jackass racing around in circles and waving his beer bottle in the air," Basher added. "I mean, he was even jumping up and down during the mid-tempo songs. Come on! It's not the '90s anymore. This isn't grunge." In addition to dancing, Del-Head reportedly pounded the stage "like it was on fire," sang along when he knew the lyrics ??(huh), yelled out the names of songs he wanted to hear, and repeatedly attempted to enter into a dialogue with the band. "Every time the singer (i guess that would be punk?) asked us a question, he was the first one to yell back," Basher said. "I don't mind the occasional 'Yeah' or 'Woo,' but this guy was shouting after every song, whistling, and asking them how their amps were. If he hadn't been so annoying, I would have been embarrassed for him." ... continued here Basher added: "Oh, yeah. And he kept yelling 'Rock 'n' roll!' in my face. And once he screamed 'Stooges!' I had no idea at all why he did that." Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Low Roller Posted February 3, 2004 Report Share Posted February 3, 2004 The Onion is a regular staple of Wednesday morning web surfing at work. I also own several of their publications namely 'The Onion Through History: Our Dumb Century', which reads better than any newspaper every did. You do need however some historical perspective because all their articles are very topical and relevant to things going on at the time. My favorite is an article from "October 23rd, 1929" entitled "STOCK MARKET INVINCIBLE buy! buy! buy!" Too funny. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
bONES Posted February 4, 2004 Author Report Share Posted February 4, 2004 MORRISON, CO—The music world was shaken by tragedy Sunday night when members of the popular rock band Phish collapsed on stage after being overcome by the stench of concert-goers during a show at the Red Rocks Amphitheater 20 miles outside Denver. The collapse occurred approximately 40 minutes into the song "You Enjoy Myself," when the four band members—Mike Gordon, Trey Anastasio, Johnathan Fishman and Page McConnell— became overwhelmed by a combination of body odor, marijuana and the patchouli oil many Phish fans use in lieu of bathing. The foursome was rushed to the emergency room of Denver Lutheran Hospital, where they were partially revived by emergency oxygen treatment. As of press time, the musicians are still listed in critical condition. Though authorities are still debating the cause of the tragedy, preliminary reports indicate that a mechanical malfunction in the band's $45 million on-stage ventilation system is to blame. The system, which employs five computer-controlled, industrial-sized wind machines to blow fumes away from the stage area, has been used by the million-selling group since 1992 to combat the "danger layer" of toxic odors which surround the band's rabid fan base at all times. With angry shouts of "Attica!" and "Off the pig!" fans hurled hacky sacks and bongs at paramedics, and blocked ambulances arriving at the accident scene with hastily erected barricades. Forming a linked-arm "human wall," the fans effectively trapped Phish and paramedics in a deadly envelope of unbreathable toxic vapor, holding off attempts to remove the band to safety for a full 30 minutes before finally being cleared by riot police, who used high-pressure fire hoses filled with a powerful soap/water solution to disperse the crowd. "That was so wrong of those cops, man," said odorous fan Passed Out Guy, 30, whose brand-new hemp necklace and tie-dyed "Phishisgruvin" T-shirt were ruined in the hosing incident. "And worst of all, they did it right when the band was about to play 'Slave to the Traffic Light.'" Added Passed Out Guy: "I have 940 bootlegs." Only one member of Phish, singer/guitarist Trey Anastasio, managed to escape serious harm in the incident, going backstage unnoticed during one of the band's trademark hour-long jams to rest and consume drugs. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
snarfmaster C Posted February 4, 2004 Report Share Posted February 4, 2004 AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAAAAAAAAAAA haaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa hhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa those made my day Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ratski Posted February 5, 2004 Report Share Posted February 5, 2004 b.a. johnston is not that window washing guy, his name is like lloyd or lyle or something, b.a. johnston is a local peterborough folk rock type guy best known for his song pita pit girls. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
questcequecest? Posted March 6, 2004 Report Share Posted March 6, 2004 good stories this week: Jesus Demands Creative Control Over Next Movie ...and this gem. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Del Posted March 7, 2004 Report Share Posted March 7, 2004 Glad to see my antics have finally hit the headlines... hilarious... I remember that Phish one from a few years ago. great stuff... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Basher Posted March 7, 2004 Report Share Posted March 7, 2004 quote: Originally posted by Del-Head: Glad to see my antics have finally hit the headlines... hilarious... I remember that Phish one from a few years ago. great stuff... Dude, I'm still bitter. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Del Posted March 7, 2004 Report Share Posted March 7, 2004 If you don't like it it, go sit in the back with the rest of the sissies... Front row is where it gets serious Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Del Posted March 7, 2004 Report Share Posted March 7, 2004 Oh, and bones... do I REALLY look 35? Wow... I hope that's a joke as well... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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