Davey Boy 2.0 Posted July 28, 2006 Report Share Posted July 28, 2006 (edited) this should lighten everyone's workday:An out of work pianist with Tourettes Syndrome is strolling around the streets one unemployed afternoon. He sees a lounge bar with a sign in the window "Pianist wanted for evening performances". "Fu**ing get in there you c*nt!" he says to himself and goes to the bar."Get the f**king manager out here you c**t!" he says to a somewhat startled barman. The barman however obliges and his manager comes upstairs. "Can I help you sir?" he says. "Yes you can you fat piece of sh*t, I saw your advert in the window and I'm here to audition.....w*nker." The manager is naturally put off by the man's abrasive manner but his dire need for a top class pianist forces him to agree to an audition. The first tune the Pianist plays is an uplifting jazzy number. At the end the thrilled barman cries, "Wonderful, wonderful. What was that called?""That song, you big nosed twat, was called "Excuse me prime minister but I just jizzed in your daughter's eye and now the c**ts blind!" "Oh" says the manager "err, can you play me another. Something a little less "lively"." "w*nker!" interjects the pianist before launching into a powerful ballad which leaves the manager in tears. The manager through his salty teardropsasks him the title. "That little number was called "Sometimes when you do a bird up the sh*t box you get crap on your bell end." "I see" says the manager, "Have you got any songs with less offensive titles?""Well there's my jazz number "I don't care if you're older my dear, you've still got nice jugs". "Look" says the manager interrupting, "I think you're a superb pianist butthe title of your songs are a little "racy". I will hire you on the condition that you do not introduce your songs or speak to the audience." "f**k it" says the pianist "Why not". Anyway, everything's going great and the crowd are loving it and sat in fron of him is a stunning woman with a short dress that reveals a cracking pair of norks. During the interval, with such a storking hard-on, the pianist pops in the bogs and knocks one off. Just as he's finishing he hears his name over the speaker so he rushes back out and finishes his work.After, he's sat at the bar when the gorgeous woman comes over to him and has a drink with him. She leans over and whispers in his ear "Do you know your c#ck's hanging out of your trousers and spunk's dribbling on your shoes?" The pianist replies "Know it?" says the pianist. "I f**king wrote it you c**t!" Edited July 28, 2006 by Guest fryday Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
\/\/illy Posted July 28, 2006 Report Share Posted July 28, 2006 I love waking up on the 404 driving 120km in someone elses car... We call those "weekdays." Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Baj Posted July 28, 2006 Report Share Posted July 28, 2006 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
\/\/illy Posted July 28, 2006 Report Share Posted July 28, 2006 my famous signature is my button blouse popping open and giving my clients a titty show.God-dammit. That image will keep me going for months. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ollie Posted July 28, 2006 Report Share Posted July 28, 2006 ya you would think...when i first started i was excited and pictured my day to be right out of the pages of willy wonka...atleast thats what i was hoping for... not even close So you're an Oompa Loompa? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Baj Posted July 28, 2006 Report Share Posted July 28, 2006 pretty much Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
\/\/illy Posted July 28, 2006 Report Share Posted July 28, 2006 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
livingstoned Posted July 28, 2006 Author Report Share Posted July 28, 2006 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
\/\/illy Posted July 28, 2006 Report Share Posted July 28, 2006 THIS JUST IN! Livingstoned just pretends to party! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
livingstoned Posted July 28, 2006 Author Report Share Posted July 28, 2006 Oh Willy - whatever it is you need to tell yourself to deal with the fact that you just can't keep up with me....go right ahead I don't mind. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
M.G.C. Posted July 29, 2006 Report Share Posted July 29, 2006 Pipe down kiddies and join my ranks... lets start as soon as i wake up from my nap...... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Calamity Jane Posted July 29, 2006 Report Share Posted July 29, 2006 I also remember wearing a fresh pair of jeans, and while I was walking around the office a static cling hitchhiking sock fell out of the pant leg... I guess I'm lucky it was just a sock. ditto. Only mine was a pair of undies...and in front of a class. :blush: ps: davey-boy...loved the joke...I just need someone with a British accent to do it justice for me. pps: Sunshine, you should get a raise. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
bradm Posted July 29, 2006 Report Share Posted July 29, 2006 ditto. Only mine was a pair of undies...and in front of a class. :blush: You should have picked them up, looked surprised, said, "Uh, children, I'll be right back. Martin, you're in charge," after which you anxiously run out of the room, head to the bathroom, and return a minute or so later, "adjusting" the below-the-beltline outer clothing as if things weren't quite in place... Aloha, Brad Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Davey Boy 2.0 Posted July 31, 2006 Report Share Posted July 31, 2006 tabarnac! we have a whistler in the office, whistles away merrily, completely oblivious to the rest of us... incredible! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Calamity Jane Posted September 12, 2006 Report Share Posted September 12, 2006 god, I loved this thread the first time around! thought about it again today as my latest "wardrobe malfunction" means I'm now holding my pants together with a safety pin! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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