Thank you for your interest in applying for the vacant position of General Manager of the Montreal Canadiens. Please note that this application form is available in both French and English. Why do you want to be the next general manager of the Montreal Canadiens? ( ) In current front office job, am getting tired of constantly being called an idiot by the media in only one language. ( ) Have a rare form of amnesia where I constantly forget how many Stanley Cups my team has won; would like work someplace where I'll be reminded every few minutes. ( ) Have reviewed the current roster and prospect pool, and enjoy the idea of having the next four or five springs off. ( ) Without revealing my current job, let's just say I get a little tired of being stuck in between two coaches pretending to want to fight each other. Ideally, the successful candidate would be bilingual. Do you speak French? ( ) I speak fluent French. ( ) I speak high-school level French. ( ) I speak Randy Cunneyworth-level French. ( ) I didn't think I knew how to swear in French, but then I read the details of Scott Gomez's contract and found out I was wrong. Montreal is known for a passionate fan base. What are your impressions of Canadiens fans? ( ) I admire their passion, although I'm still not sure why three of them are standing a few feet away while I fill this out and booing me. ( ) I recently worked for a southern-based US team and have never dealt with anything like what you have in Montreal, by which I mean hockey fans. ( ) Have to admit that it's nice to see some Canadian fans who know how to riot after a playoff game without immediately tagging themselves in photos of it on Facebook. ( ) I have completely forgiven them for forcing my trade to Colorado by booing me during a blowout loss and am certainly not applying for this job as part of some devious long-running revenge plot, so let's just change the subject. It's important to learn from past mistakes. What would you do differently than previous Montreal GMs? ( ) Respond to every crisis by reflexively trading for players who can speak French, instead of responding to every crisis by reflexively trading for players whose names just make it seem like they can speak French. ( ) When trading for struggling veterans on a long-term deal, do not simply look at their recent stats and then assume that extra zero at the end of their cap hit must be a typo. ( ) No more firing coaches minutes before a game begins; have a big hook come down from the rafters and pluck them off the bench in the middle of a period instead. ( ) Maybe hire some scouts or something. A successful GM can impart a sense of optimism to fans. Please highlight something positive about the current roster. ( ) The team is practically unbeatable when Andrei Markov is healthy, so that's like having a four point head start every year. ( ) Carey Price has firmly established himself as one of the NHL's elite goalies, so we should be able to trade him some spare parts any time now. ( ) Most of the roster in young and in good health, so it's possible that a few of them will still be playing when Josh Gorges' contract finally expires. ( ) Montreal has the only fans in the league that don't have to wake up each morning and immediately think "Man, I really hope my team doesn't go out and acquire Tomas Kaberle today". Finally, if you are the chosen candidate, when would you be available to start work? ( ) Am available immediately. ( ) Am available starting next Monday ( ) Would need to give two weeks' notice at my current job. ( ) Will probably not be available until the end of next season, although the way things are going around here maybe check back with me in November. Wait. Burkie? Is that you? ( ) Um… how do you hang up on an application form? This concludes the application. If you chose to fill out the French version, please place it in a sealed envelope and submit it to our human resources department. If you filled out the English version, please save us all time by placing it directly into your recycling bin.
