Ted Danson on Whoopi Goldberg

[kung]

Don't know if you've ever heard about Ted Danson (in blackface) roasting whoopi goldberg at the Friars Club, but here are some exerpts from the Spy Magazine transcript. Enjoy.

After toupeed sitcom actor Ted Danson did his notorious minstrel shtick at Whoopi Goldberg’s Friars roast last year, a few of his controversial witticisms made their way into print. But as far as we know, no one in the press printed transcripts from an actual tape recording of the event that immediately preceded, but in now way contributed to the couple’s breakup. We couldn’t resist sharing the following excerpts.

“Before I get into my thing, I wanted to say that this morning, as I was shaving and wondering what I was going to say this afternoon, Whoopi was giving me a blowjob. And all of a sudden I looked down and said, ‘Aw, c’mon, Whoop! Don’t nigger-lip it!’ I came to discuss a problem here, ladies and gentlemen! Please now!...I know I’m prepared for arguments, but I got to tell you, black chicks sure do know their way around a dick. But, in all fairness, white girls get toys for Christmas.

“But I tell ya, I sure was nervous today…Right before we started, someone pulled me aside and said, ‘Ted, remember, the mayor [Dinkins] is coming. Don’t do any political stuff. Just do nigger jokes.’ I said, ‘C’mon, man, look at me. Do you think I would stoop to that level?’

It’s been a hell of a year for us, me and Whoop. We’ve been working so much, it’s been hard to get together. We’ve been so busy, we haven’t seen each other in a coon’s age. But I tell ya, the tabloids just won’t leave us alone. As a matter of fact, this morning, right after we, uh, Whoopi said to me, ‘Y’know, if only we could get Burt Reynolds to fuck Michael Jackson, we’d be home free.

“I love being in the tabloids, you guys. In fact, we had our first fight, with all our ‘problems’, we had our first fight just this morning…before. There’s this new picture we’re doing for Disney call The Nigger Lovers. And Miss Diva here insists on playing the nigger. I said, ‘C’mon, Whoop! You always play the nigger. Just because you did the nigger nun doesn’t mean you get to play the nigger all the time. Someone else will play the nigger. How hard can it be?’

“The tabloids say that our life together is scandalous. I mean this sincerely: A lot of our life is very ordinary. I’ll never forget the time I took Whoopi to meet my parents. And I know that the tabloids have said things about us that wasn’t true. And I was worried about how my parents would react when I brought Whoopi home, because they’re so stuffy and out of touch. But Whoopi fit right in. After she did the laundry and washed the dishes and dusted and generally tidied up the place, my father, my sweet, dear father, offered to give her a ride to the bus stop. I’m not sure about my mother though. She got out of place. I mean really out of place—especially when she told Whoopi that she should sleep in the barn, by herself. Actually, my mother got along with Whoopi beautifully, because my mother’s a dyke.

“Whoopi finished the chores while my dad and I looked through an old photo album of Vanessa Redgrave’s. I mean Vanessa Williams pictures, actually. Then it was time for bed, because it was too dark for Whoopi to do the windows. Also she didn’t know what to wear the next day, and I said, ‘Man, if you’re black, you wear a uniform.’ She hadn’t had dinner, so she was gonna go out to a 7-Eleven, where nobody would notice she was black; or else she’d call the Domino’s Pizza guy. But then I thought, I really shouldn’t let Whoopi roam around at night, in case the neighbors were mowing hedges or something. So, uh, instead, I took her out to the deck and fucked the shit out of her…You know the monkey love she’s famous for. And greased like a werewolf, too. I mean, her screams could open a garage door. It was incredible. Then once all the neighbors were standing there, Whoopi looked around and she was pissed. She said it was like they never heard a black chick get boned before. And that just got her worked up and she bellowed, ‘Yes! Yes! Lily-white motherfucker! Fuck me! Fuck me good!’ Exactly at that minute, I heard my mother crack open the door. We just sort of froze. But I just tried to slip it in and out a little to keep it hard. And my mother said, ‘No, not with Ted. The neighbors are getting worried about the future. I don’t think you and Miss Goldfarb have given any real thought to what you’re doing. What if there are children? Who will convince them when they have diarrhea they’re not melting? If they go to the beach, cats will try to bury them.’ Ah, but Whoopi and I just started to laugh and laugh, and I said, ‘Ma, relax! I’m fuckin’ her in the ass!’

“I’m moved every time I think of that. Waiter, can I get some service over here? Can you move your feet there, please? Come on, hurry up! [Waiter brings out watermelon.] Oh thanks, I’ll just be a moment. [Eats watermelon.] Ah, that really hits the spot.

[To Goldberg.] “I do believe I remember you saying ‘I dare you.’

“Before I introduce our first guest, I have to take care of something here. My mother called this morning and said, in that sweet, unassuming way of hers, ‘Now Ted, if you do nothing else today, it’s very important that you do cunt jokes.’ And I said, ‘I don’t know, Ma.’ But then my mother pointed out that her [Goldberg’s] cunt is really huge. She said, ‘It’s the size of South Africa, and twice as inflamed.’ That was what my mom wanted, I’m telling you the truth.

[SaggyBalls]

holy crap. i cna't believve nobody said anything to that.

kung thanks for the insight and the enlightnement.

[Jaimoe]

I knew about Danson's " roast " the day after it happened all those years ago. His career and reputation has never been the same, and rightfully so.

[hamilton]

I am sooooo glad this thread isn't what I thought it might be.

Eeeeeewwwwwwww......

[NewRider]

I am sooooo glad this thread isn't what I thought it might be.

Eeeeeewwwwwwww......

AAAAHHH... HAHAHAHAHAHAHA....

[guigsy]

sam malone really said that shit?

wow.

the only "no-hitter" he ever threw...

[SaggyBalls]

i wonder why.

people just have no sense of humour.

i'd never make those jokes but somebody's gotta.

did whoopee laugh or was this all done in extremely mean taste?

i mean come on he said his mom had a giant cunt - and it was inflammed!

[guigsy]

hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!

inflammed....

[Jaimoe]

Ted saying all that shit in blackface didn't help his case.

I remember Whoopee explaining that the jokes didn't offend her since it was for her roast, and that Ted and she were a couple. But, she was obviously just trying to deflect the backlash that Danson eventually got and earned from the media and outraged fans and citizens.

Danson's roast jokes are racist and incensitive, but the most offensive thing about them is that they aren't funny.

[kung]

Whoa I didn't put that shit up for you to all go moral majority. Admittedly roasts don't normally go that far, it was ill advised at best, but it also casts so against type, not just Sam Malone as a negro but clean cut tv actor Ted Danson doing something really edgy. If Spike Jonze or Quentin put him in a movie he'd be famous. I think he sort of mentioned in passing Whoopie dared him and did he ever come back. I guess it wouldn't be so inflamed an issue if race wasn't a powderkeg in the us of a. And he said Whoopie's cunt was huge:

‘Now Ted, if you do nothing else today, it’s very important that you do cunt jokes.’ And I said, ‘I don’t know, Ma.’ But then my mother pointed out that her [Goldberg’s] cunt is really huge. She said, ‘It’s the size of South Africa, and twice as inflamed.’ That was what my mom wanted, I’m telling you the truth.

[AdamH]

I don't know if this is over the top because it's coming from Ted Danson, or if it's just over the top. There's moments, but I think I'd prefer to hear Chris rock run these lines.

[bouche]

That's what he said? I can't believe he could say all that in public.

It reads like it's a spoof out of mad magazine or something.