when you open this, lift your monitor over your head

[Esau]

post#7979

[bouche]

Is that Paul Martin?

[Lazlo]

So, I've got my monitor over my head, now what?

[bouche]

i dunno... DROP IT ?

[Lazlo]

Will that work?

[Esau]

The Chili cook off

Judge #3 was an inexperienced Chili taster named Frank, who was visiting from Springfield, IL.

Frank: "Recently, I was honored to be selected as a judge at a chili cook-off. The original person called in sick at the last moment and I happened to be standing there at the judge's table asking for directions to the Coors Light truck, when the call came in. I was assured by the other two judges (Native Texans) that the chili! wouldn't be all that spicy and, besides, they told me I could have free beer during the tasting, so I accepted."

Here are the scorecard notes from the event:

CHILI # 1 - MIKE'S MANIAC MONSTER CHILI...

Judge # 1 -- A little too heavy on the tomato. Amusing kick.

Judge # 2 -- Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.

Judge # 3 (Frank) -- Holy shit, what the hell is this stuff? >>You could remove dried paint from your driveway. Took me two beers to put the flames out. I hope that's the worst one. These Texans are crazy.

CHILI # 2 - AUSTIN'S AFTERBURNER CHILI...

Judge # 1 -- Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight jalapeno tang.

Judge #2 -- Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken seriously

Judge # 3 -- Keep this out of the reach of children. I'm not sure what I'm supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver. They had to rush in more beer when they saw the look on my face.

CHILI # 3 - FRED'S FAMOUS BURN DOWN THE BARN CHILI...

Judge # 1 -- Excellent firehouse chili. Great kick.

Judge # 2 -- A bit salty, good use of peppers.

Judge # 3 -- Call the EPA. I've located a uranium spill. My nose feels like I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now. Get me more beer before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the back, now my backbone is in the front part of my chest. I'm getting shit-faced from all of the beer.

CHILI # 4 - BUBBA'S BLACK MAGIC...

Judge # 1 -- Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing.

Judge # 2 -- Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or other mild foods! not much of a chili.

Judge # 3 -- I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to taste it. Is it possible to burn out taste buds? Sally, the beermaid, was standing behind me with fresh refills. That 300-LB woman is starting to look HOT. just like this nuclear waste I'm eating! Is chili an aphrodisiac?

CHILI # 5 - LISA'S LEGAL LIP REMOVER...

Judge # 1 -- Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground,adding considerable kick. Very impressive.

Judge # 2 -- Chili using shredded beef, could use more tomato. Must admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.

Judge # 3 -- My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead and I can no longer focus my eyes. I farted and four people behind me

needed paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her chili had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring beer direc tly on it from the pitcher. I wonder if I'm burning my lips off. It really pisses me off that the other judges asked me to stop screaming. Screw those rednecks.

CHILI # 6 - VERA'S VERY VEGETARIAN VARIETY...

Judge # 1 -- Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of spices and peppers.

Judge # 2 -- The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and garlic. Superb.

Judge # 3 -- My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous, sulfuric flames. I shit on myself when I farted and I'm worried it will eat through the chair. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except that Sally. Can't feel my lips anymore. I need to wipe my ass with a snow cone.

CHILI # 7 - SUSAN'S SCREAMING SENSATION CHILI...

Judge # 1 -- A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers.

Judge # 2 -- Ho hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of chili peppers at th e last moment. **I should take note that I am

worried about Judge # 3. He appears to be in a bit of distress as he is cursing uncontrollably.

Judge # 3 -- You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I wouldn't feel a thing. I've lost sight in one eye, and the world sounds like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with chili, which slid unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava to match my shirt. At least during the autopsy, they'll know what killed me. I've decided to stop breathing it's too painful. Screw it; I'm not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I'll just suck it in through the 4-inch hole in my stomach.

CHILI # 8 - BIG TOM'S TOENAIL CURLING CHILI...

Judge # 1 -- The perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili. Not too

bold but spicy enough to declare its existence.

Judge # 2 -- This final entry is a good, balanced chili. Neither mild nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge #3 farted,

passed out, fell over and pulled the chili pot down on top of himself. Not sure if he's going to make it. poor feller, wonder how he'd have reacted to really hot chili?

Judge # 3 - No Report

[Douglas]

I really have no idea what this thread means, if anything, but I'm always a sucker for funny pooh stories!

Crap...I can't find my really funny pooh story...

Here's something else, almost equally hilarious:

*I was due for an appointment with the gynaecologist later in the week. Early one morning, I received a call from the doctor's office to tell me that I had been rescheduled for that morning at 9:30 am. I had only just packed everyone off to work and school, and it was already around 8:45 am. The trip to his office took about 35 minutes, so I didn't have any time to spare. As most women do, I like to take a little extra effort over hygiene when making

such visits, but this time I wasn't going to be able to make the full effort. So, I rushed upstairs, threw off my pyjamas, wet the washcloth that was sitting next to the sink, and gave myself a quick wash in "that area" to make sure I was at least presentable. I threw the washcloth in the clothes basket, donned some clothes, hopped in the car and raced to my appointment.

>

I was in the waiting room for only a few minutes when I was called in. Knowing the procedure, as I'm sure you do, I hopped up on the table, looked over at the other side of the room and pretended that I was in Paris or some other place a million miles away. I was a little surprised when the doctor said, "My, we have made an extra effort this morning, haven't we?" I didn't respond.

After the appointment, I heaved a sigh of relief and went home. The rest of the day was normal...some shopping, cleaning, cooking, etc. After school when my 6 year old daughter was playing, she called out from the bathroom, "Mommy, where's my washcloth?" I told her to get another one from the linen closet. She replied, "No, I need the one that was here by the sink, it had all my glitter and sparkles saved inside it.*

[Douglas]

here's one that Booche told me:

Booche and Barrett are getting very drunk at a bar when suddenly Barrett throws up all over himself. "Oh, no. Now Crystal will kill me!" Booche says, "Don't worry pal. Just tuck a twenty in your breast pocket, and tell Crystal that someone threw up on you and gave you twenty dollars for the dry cleaning bill."

So they stayed for another couple of hours and got even drunker. Eventually, Barrett rolls into home and his Crystal starts giving him a bad

time. "You reek of alcohol and you've puked all over yourself! My God, you're disgusting!" Speaking very carefully so as not to slur, he says, "Nowainaminit, I can e'splain everything! Itsh not what you think. I only had a couple of drinks. But this other guy got sick on me... he had one too many and just couldn't hold his liquor. He said he was very sorry an gave me twenty bucks for the cleaning bill!" Crystal looks in the breast pocket and says, "But this is forty bucks." "Oh, yeah... I almos forgot" says Barrett, "he shit in my pants too."

[ReDD]

Douglas the one about the sparkles serioulsy made my day. You should send both of those to readers digest;)

[Esau]

I really have no idea what this thread means, if anything, but I'm always a sucker for funny pooh stories!

Thanks for sharing Douglas made me laugh,although I never looked at the chili thing as one of those stories,just found it funny.I'm sorry but I can't say what this thread means,not just yet anyway.

But I have a quick story I guess...

When Festival Express had its second ever public showing in Toronto a couple years back (the first was days before - same place,which I forget at the moment) myself,Newrider,butta,stonedfree and someone else I think all went,after that we were wandering around in the eatons center,had some dinner etc,well I needed to take a piss,so I used one of the public bathrooms close to the food court,I went in took my piss & proceeded to go & wash my hands,when I got to the sink it was covered in shit,taps,counter the whole fuckin thing covered! Then this guy washing up in the sink next (hands covered in shi.t by the way) turns to me & says "I don't know who I get it all over myself"....

Needless to say,I washed up later on somewhere else.

Oh yeah....

I hates Illinois nazis...

[Calamity Jane]

Douglas -- the first story is gold!! LMFAO! PLease, please, please find 'the poo story' if it's anywhere near as funny!

[paisley]

[popo weenie]

I really have no idea what this thread means, if anything, but I'm always a sucker for funny pooh stories!

Crap...I can't find my really funny pooh story...

Here's something else, almost equally hilarious:

*I was due for an appointment with the gynaecologist later in the week. Early one morning, I received a call from the doctor's office to tell me that I had been rescheduled for that morning at 9:30 am. I had only just packed everyone off to work and school, and it was already around 8:45 am. The trip to his office took about 35 minutes, so I didn't have any time to spare. As most women do, I like to take a little extra effort over hygiene when making

such visits, but this time I wasn't going to be able to make the full effort. So, I rushed upstairs, threw off my pyjamas, wet the washcloth that was sitting next to the sink, and gave myself a quick wash in "that area" to make sure I was at least presentable. I threw the washcloth in the clothes basket, donned some clothes, hopped in the car and raced to my appointment.

>

I was in the waiting room for only a few minutes when I was called in. Knowing the procedure, as I'm sure you do, I hopped up on the table, looked over at the other side of the room and pretended that I was in Paris or some other place a million miles away. I was a little surprised when the doctor said, "My, we have made an extra effort this morning, haven't we?" I didn't respond.

After the appointment, I heaved a sigh of relief and went home. The rest of the day was normal...some shopping, cleaning, cooking, etc. After school when my 6 year old daughter was playing, she called out from the bathroom, "Mommy, where's my washcloth?" I told her to get another one from the linen closet. She replied, "No, I need the one that was here by the sink, it had all my glitter and sparkles saved inside it.*

i worked in a seniors home n mr. gorden was all upset, sitting crying in his chair, i ask what is your problem today ,he said my penis died last nite, i said oh don,t worry you will be fine, as he was a bit old n not remembering a lot,

the nest day here he was strutting down the hall in his p j,s with his penis hanging out, i said my mr gordon what is going on as you cannot have that showing, he flew into me n said what is wrong with your memory i told u yesterday my penis died and today is the day of the viewing

[headymamamyrna]

I went to the gas station today.

I asked politely for five dollars worth.

The attendant farted and gave me a receipt.

I cried all the way home.

[TomFoolery]

This is Esau's fault - he inspired me...

I lived in Tofino for a couple of years. My last year there I lived with five other people in a house that should have been condemned. It had a great view of Clayoquot Sound though with an enclosed deck – sofas, hammocks and bbq set up on the deck.

Anyhow, my buddy Mike used to come and crash while out surfing about twice a month. He’d show up, hang, do the dishes and surf. Everyone in the house was cool with the arrangement. He called me up near the end of summer to say he was coming out for the weekend. I told him it was no problem, that I’d be out partying with my house-mate for our shared birthday and to let himself in and/or come and find me.

My birthday rolled around and my boss took me out for drinks after work. This turned into people throwing drinks and other people across tables at the local bar and general mayhem spilling into the street when the bar closed.

I wasn’t done with the night so I walked home to get my bike and go looking for another party. There was nobody home at my place so I went down to the marina where I worked and borrowed a boat (which, btw, was more than enough to get my ass thrown in jail if I’d been caught). I zoomed across the harbour to a friend’s float-house where I was told to go home…

By then I’d run out of gas so I went back to my place, left the boat on the beach at my house and stumbled to my bed. When I woke up I remembered the boat and ran down to try to get it back to the marina before it was noticed. While tying up the boat, my other house-mate came down to the docks yelling at me – “J! Go home, tell Mike to get out and clean up all the GODDAMNED SHIT!â€. I was too hungover to know what he was talking about so I just left.

By the time I got home though, I’d started thinking this over a bit and decided to investigate. I walked into the main floor bath room and saw shit everywhere – on the toilet seat, on the sink, on the taps, on the toilet tank, on the toilet handle, on the walls, on the floor – and on my house-mate’s towel (why he was sooo pissed).

I woke up Mike and asked him who of his crew had done it (he had shown up with 8 friends in tow – they were littered across the floor and porch). He told me they’d come in, sat down to watch the harbour for a while. I’d come in and stumbled stupidly through the house and gone to bed. Then, each of them had individually gone to the bathroom and emerged silently to let the next “discover†the state of the bathroom.

So, we had some mysterious person come into our house – shit all over the bathroom – clean up with a white towel – then leave.

I still have no idea who did it.

[popo weenie]

post#7979

we finally get to see lazlo

i like a blue face, very sexy

[popo weenie]

I went to the gas station today.

I asked politely for five dollars worth.

The attendant farted and gave me a receipt.

I cried all the way home.

cheaper if you pump it yourself

then the whole place could shit themselve,s