one of those days

[snarfmaster C]

i shoulda stayed in bed.

one thing after the other bringing me down. hasn't quit all day.

extended forecast calling for more clouds and endless possibility of storms. those nasty bitchslap kind of storms that leave you stinging for days.

but i'm not here to spread the gloom, just the opposite, looking for some cheer...

anybody got any jokes?

[balogna pogna]

Did you hear the one about the politician who took Viagara?

He just kept getting taller!

[Deeps]

A couple having trouble goes to a marriage counsilor and they won't even talk or look at one another.

The counsilor tries for an hour to get them to talk and get's nothing but sighing and eyes to the floor.

He goes out back and from his vehicle produces an upright bass. He wheels it into his office and starts riffing on it

du doon doon dunta dunta buppa doon doon boopadee dun dun

In about 2 minutes the couple starts talking ... after another copule of minutes they are laughing and smiling.

The counsilor stops and the couple turns to him and asks what did you do? how did you do this? we are amazed!

The counsilor turns to them pearing around the neck of the upright and says...

Everyone talks during the bass solo.

[phorbesie]

--Insert your comments here or delete--

--Insert band name and song title here--


--Insert details here--




Sally Jessy Raphael on Mime on FunnyOrDie.com Edited December 11, 2007 by Guest

[Esau.]

Hi mooose, long time no see eh - hope things cheer up for you.

Full Metal Elf

[bradm]

So a guy is flying into a city in Africa. The plane lands, and as he's walking across the tarmac to the airport terminal he can he drumming off in the distance. He's not sure what to make of it, but he can still hear it as he gets to customs, so he asks one of the staff at the airport, "What's up with those drums? Do they ever stop?" The staffer replies, in semi-broken English, "Not stop, ever. Drums no stop. Drums stop, very bad." He thinks this is a bit weird, but he doesn't say anything.

In the cab on his way to the hotel, though, he can still hear the drums off in the distance, so he asks the cab driver about them. "Oh, not stop...drums stop, very bad...drums no stop." Now he's getting a bit weirded out, not just from the drums but from the dread the locals seem to have about them ever stopping, but he keeps his thoughts to himself.

He gets to the hotel, and he's checking in, and he can still hear the drums, so he asks the hotel clerk, "Uh, those drums...do they ever stop?" The clerk gives the expected reply: "No, not stop. Drums stop, very bad, very bad, drums stop. Drums not stop."

By this point, the guy's reached his limit, so he finally asks the clerk, "Look, everybody I've asked says that the drums don't stop, and it'll be very bad if they ever do. What's so bad about the drums stopping?"

The clerk, shaking with abject fear, replies, "Drums stop...bass solo starts..."

Aloha,

Brad

[Ol'Hickster]

A Investment Banker walks in the door after a long day at the office. He has a wonderful meal with his wife and then proceeds to the bathroom to get cleaned up for bed. While stepping out of the shower his wife looks in and to her utter surprise he was a 1000 dollar bill tattoo'd on his cocked.

"What The HELL is that!!!" She yelled to her husband.

"Well Dear, I like the way my money feels in my hands, I also like to play with my money from time to time, and I always like watching my money grow, and next time you want to go out and blow 1000 dollars you can just stay home"

[Dr. J]

hey mooosey, remember:

Good times are comin'

I hear it everywhere I go

Good times are comin'

But they sure comin' slow.

Wishing you a better one tomorrow!

[bokonon]

A Newfie moves to Ontario and gets a job in construction. His boss sends him to the lumber store for forty two by fours. The store employee asks him how long he needs his two by fours. The Newfie replies "Quite a while, we're building a house".

Little Johnny is going on a fishing trip with Grandpa. They get up early, pack the boat with supplies and head out in to the lake. They cast their lines in the water to wait for bites. After a while Grandpa opens the cooler, grabs a beer and cracks it open.

Little Johnny says "Grandpa, can I have some of your beer?"

Grandpa replies "Well, Johnny, can your dick touch your ass?"

Little Johnny answers no.

Grandpa says "Well, then you're too young for beer."

A little while later after boredom sets in Grandpa starts reading a Playboy and Johnny asks to look at it too.

Grandpa says again "Well Johnny, can your dickie touch your ass?"

Again Johnny replies no and Grandpa says he is too young.

An hour or so later hunger is setting in so Johnny reaches in to his pocket and pulls out a bag of cookies.

Grandpa says "Hey Johnny, share some of those cookies with me"

Johnny says "Well, Grandpa, can your dickie touch your ass?"

Grandpa says yes.

Johnny replies "Good, then go fuck yourself, Grandma made these cookies for me!"

[bONES]

the bass jokes are great, considering it's moooses instrument of choice..haha

There's a senior citizen driving on the highway. His wife calls him on his cell phone and in a worried voice says, ''Herman, be careful! I just heard on the radio that there was a madman driving the wrong way on Route 280!''

Herman says, ''I know, but there isn't just one, there are hundreds!''

One Monday morning after the weekly company meeting, a young executive was complaining to his boss about the problems he was having with his stubborn girlfriend. "She gets me so angry sometimes," the young man confided.

"Well, son. I'll tell you what I used to do with my wife," replied the boss. "Whenever she got out of hand, I'd take her pants down and spank her."

Shaking his head, the young guy replied, "That doesn't work. Once I get her pants down, I'm not mad anymore."

hang in there mooosey

[snarfmaster C]

thanks

that actually really helped! --- that coulda gone either way - i'm glad it didn't turn into making fun of me on bass. thunk thunka thunka thu-thunk

LEMME SEE YOUR WAR FACE!

hehehe. twisted, but it hit the spot.

[Schwa.]

Did you guys hear that Ellen Degeneres is dead?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!

Yeah, they found her face down in Ricky Lake!!!

Happy Wednesday

[bradm]

A penguin is driving his car, when all of the sudden the engine is lacking power and won't accelerate.

So he pulls at the nearest garage, leaves the car there to be checked for problems, and goes for a walk. Seeing an ice-cream stand, he goes in and buys some vanilla ice-cream.

Then he comes back to the garage, where the mechanic is hunched over the engine. Seeing the penguin appear, he lifts his head and says, "You've blown a seal."

The penguin quickly wipes his beak and replies, "No man, it's ice-cream!"

The seven dwarfs are in Rome and they go on a tour of the city, eventually ending up at the Vatican, where they get an audience with the Pope. Grumpy keeps asking the pontiff questions about the church, and in particular, nuns.

"Your Holiness, do you have any really short nuns?"

"No, my son, all our nuns are at least five feet tall."

"Are you sure? I mean, you wouldn't have any nuns that are, say, about my height? Maybe a little shorter?"

"I'm afraid not. Why do you ask?"

Grumpy looks dejected at this news, and the pope wonders why. So he listens to the dwarfs as they leave the building.

"What'd he say? What'd he say?" chant the other six dwarfs.

Grumpy says, "He said they don't have any."

And the other six start chanting, "Grumpy fucked a penguin! Grumpy fucked a penguin! Grumpy fucked a penguin!"

Aloha,

Brad

[AD]

penguin jokes? has it really come to this?

[Booche]

I just locked the keys in my car and its running in the driveway. Yeah. I think I should have stayed in bed because I cant wait to see what else is in store for me today!

[bONES]

Did you guys hear that Ellen Degeneres is dead?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!

Yeah, they found her face down in Ricky Lake!!!

Happy Wednesday

thanks a lot!

now I have coffee coming out of my nose..good cripes

[popo weenie]

a senior man goes to the dr. complaing thaT HIS WIFE IS VERY HARD OF HEARING and will not go have her hearing checked he is nearly crazy as she doesnt answer him

the dr says well test her this way stay behing her 30 feet and ask a question to

see if she hears you

if there is no answer then move up 20 feet ,so he tries] 20 feet still no responce so he goes about 10 feet behing her asks a question again

the wife roars at him for fuck sake john i told you 3 times were are having chicken for supper

[Ol'Hickster]

A man goes to his doctors, as the doctor enters he says the the man "What seems to be the problem?". The man answers "Its My Balls doctor just have a look!" So the man pulls down his pants and much much to the surprise the man balls and swollen as big as grapefruits and are bight orange. Now the Doctor is flabergasted and hes no idea what this could be so he asks the man about his home life thinking this might lead so some sorta idea in to the problem. The Man answered " Doctor I really dont know what caused this, all I do at home is Watch Porn and eat Cheeto's"