Davey Boy 2.0

Schwa. goes to the zoo to see his buddy who works there. His buddy says to him "Schwa., we have a real problem. The female gorilla is on heat, there is no male gorilla and she will smash this place up if she doesn't have sex. Schwa. will you have sex with the Gorilla for $500?" Schwa. says he'd have to think about it and goes off to look around the zoo. At the end of the day Schwa. comes back to talk to his buddy. "Okay I'll do it, but on three conditions. 1 - No kissing, I' am not kissing a gorilla. 2 - My family never find out. And 3 - Give me a few weeks to get the $500 together...

last one then: Schwa and Hal were sitting down for a break in their soon-to-be new store. As yet, the store wasn't ready, with only a few shelves set up. One said to the other, "I bet any minute now some idiot tourist is going to walk by, put his face to the window, and ask what we're selling." No sooner were the words out of his mouth when, sure enough, a curious Irishman walked to the window, had a peek, and in a thick Irish accent asked "What might ye be sellin' here?" One of the men replied sarcastically, "We're selling ass-holes." Without skipping a beat, the Irishman said, "You are doing well .... only two left!"

^ beer goggles

Schwa. was bragging to his boss one day, "You know, I know everyone there is to know. Just name someone, anyone, and I know them." Tired of his boasting, his boss called his bluff, "OK, Schwa., how about Tom Cruise?" "No worries boss, Tom and I are old friends, and I can prove it." So Schwa. and his boss fly out to Hollywood and knock on Tom Cruise’s door and Tom Cruise shouts, "Schwa.! What’s happenin?!? Great to see you! Come on in for a beer!" Although impressed, Schwa.’s boss is still sceptical. After they leave Cruise’s house, he tells Schwa. that he thinks him knowing Cruise was just lucky. "No, no, just name anyone else," Schwa. says. "President Bush," his boss quickly retorts. "Yup," Schwa. says, "Old buddies, let’s fly out to Washington." And off they go. At the White House, Bush spots Schwa. on the tour and motions him and his boss over, saying, "Schwa., what a surprise, I was just on my way to a meeting, but you and your friend come on in and let’s have a cup of coffee first and catch up." Well, the boss is very shaken by now but still not totally convinced. After they leave the White House grounds he expresses his doubts to Schwa., who again implores him to name anyone else. "The pope," his boss replies. "Sure!" says Schwa. "My folks are from Poland, and I’ve known the Pope a long time." So off they fly to Rome. Schwa. and his boss are assembled with the masses in Vatican Square when Schwa. says, "This will never work. I can’t catch the Pope’s eye among all these people. Tell you what, I know all the guards so let me just go upstairs and I’ll come out on the balcony with the Pope." And he disappears into the crowd headed toward the Vatican. Sure enough, half an hour later Schwa. emerges with the Pope on the balcony but by the time Schwa. returns, he finds that his boss has had a heart attack and is surrounded by paramedics. Working his way to his boss’ side, Schwa. asks him, "What happened?" His boss looks up and says, "I was doing fine until you and the Pope came out on the balcony and the man next to me said, "Who the f*ck’s that on the balcony with Schwa.?

How many lardons would you have snacked on last night? 'Bet you put that question to all the guys

Schwa.'s talking to two beekeepers at a conference. One of them asks the other: "How many bees do you keep?" "I've got 3 hives, in all I've got around 50,000 bees" answered his colleague. 2nd one says "I've got 150,000 in total in about 8 hives". "So how many bees have you got?" the second beekeeper asks Schwa. "Oh, about a million or so" he replies, "A Million?! How many hives do you have?" "Just the one" "You've got a million bees in one hive?" "Yeah" he says "Fuck 'em, they're only bees"

Schwa., walking down the road, talking to Hal: I went to a meeting of Premature Ejaculators Anonymous last night, but there was no-one there. I think I came too early.

Schwa. walks into his living room with a duck under his arm and says this is the pig i've been f*cking. That's not a pig it's a duck, says his GF. Schwa. says 'I was talking to the duck'

Schwa. walks into a butchers and asks if he has a pigs head. Butcher replies, Why, Yes sir I do. Schwa. replies, gimme half a pound of sausages then you porky faced cunt.

A guy is in a bar and sees Schwa. crying at the bar with vomit all down his front. He walks over and says "What's up man?" "My GF's gonna kill me when she sees this" says Schwa., "She's always on at me about my drinking. It's going to be a real bitchfest". "Listen mate, just stick $20 in your shirt pocket. When she's giving you grief, say someone else threw up down you and gave you the $20 to apologise". "Brilliant", yells Schwa., suddenly all hopeful. He puts $20 in his shirt pocket, and goes about his drinking with renewed vigour, and gets royally smashed. In the morning his GF shakes him awake. "Look at you!" she screams. "You got hammered again, and look at you - you've thrown up all down your front. You're a disgrace!" "It wasn't me", slurs Schwa. "Some guy threw up down me and gave me $20 to pay for a new shirt! Look!" He takes the money out of his shirt pocket and gives it to her. "But there's $40 here" she says, all confused. "Oh yeah" says Schwa., "I forgot. He shat in my pants too".

Schwa. goes to the doctors complaining that no matter what he tries he can’t satisfy his GF in bed. Doctors tells him to go home and swing a towel in one hand when he’s having sex and see if that works. Couple of days later Schwa's back at the doctors complaining that the towel trick doesn’t work. Doctor tells him to get someone else to swing the towel when he’s having sex with his GF and that should do the trick. Schwa. gets home and tells his GF what the doc says and they both agree to give it a try, he gets on the phone to a male escort agency and gets one round for the night. When he arrives they all pile upstairs to do the business with the escort swinging the towel by the side of the bed but the GF is still not satisfied at all. Schwa. thinks for a minute then has an idea, he asks the escort to f**k his GF while he swings the towel. Everyone agrees and the escort sets about on the GF resulting in the best sex the GF has ever had in her life, orgasm after orgasm. When they’re finished Schwa. walks up to escorts and says… “See, that’s how you swing a towelâ€

...and ambles up to the counter, says to the librarian 'Can I have a burger, chips & coke?' Librarian has a look around, and says to him 'you do know this a library??' Schwa. replies *whispering* 'Can I have a burger, chips & coke?'

I've been called a lardon in my day

FUCK!

i would've eaten anyone's snackers @ 1:30 last night

Giggles punched out joe thornton

damn, just had quizno's for the first time in several years... should've gotten a regular instead of a small coz i'm still hungry [color:#cccccc]ever so slight hangover hunger

i could've used that last saturday night, wakling back from jay and kyla's at quarter to fourning

that's how i feel this morn, only not as svelt

now you're talking

well nevermind then. One day at the end of class little Billy"s teacher has the class go home and think of story and then conclude the moral of that story.... The following day the teacher asks for the first volunteer to tell their story and little Suzy raises her hand... "my dad owns a farm and every Sunday we load the chicken eggs on the truck and drive into town to sell them at the market... well one Sunday we hit a big bump and all the eggs flew out of the basket and onto the road" ... teacher asks for the moral of the story... Suzy replies, "don't keep all your eggs in one basket" Next is little Lucy.... "well my dad owns a farm too and every weekend we take the chicken eggs and put them in the incubator" .... "last weekend only 8 of the 12 eggs hatched"....Teacher asks for the moral of the story.... Lucy replies "don't count your eggs before they're hatched" Last is little Billy.... "My dad fought in the Vietnam war, his plane was shot down over enemy territory".... "he jumped out before it crashed with only a case of beer, a machine gun and a machete".... "on the way down he drank the case of beer".... "unfortunately he landed right in the middle of 100 enemy soldiers".... "he shot 70 with his machine gun, but ran out of bullets, so he pulled out his machete and killed 20 more, but the blade on his machete broke, so he killed the last ten with his bare hands" Teacher looks in shock at Billy and asks if there is possibly any moral to his story.... Billy replies, "don't fuck with my dad when he's been drinking"

Westboro sucks!