Davey Boy 2.0

Isn't that how you lost your virginity?

this just in: Waves of euphoria to emanate from between-periods man-hug, signalling a turning point in the lifestyle choices of said huggers

TH worker to other TH worker: "Uh oh, he comes that fogged out 'smiley cookies' carful again. Who's turn is it to spit in their coffees?"

I want a chair by the pool

Do you get weiner schnitzel & Lowenbrau at company events?

Schwa just got married, and being a traditional sort, he was still a virgin. So, on his wedding night, staying at Hal’s house, he was nervous. But Hal reassured him. "Don't worry, Schwa. Tony's a good man. Go upstairs, and he'll take care of you." So up he went. When he got upstairs, Tony took off his shirt and exposed his hairy chest. Schwa runs downstairs to Hal and says, "Hal, Hal, Tony's got a big hairy chest." "Don't worry, Schwa", says Hal, "All good men have hairy chests. Go upstairs. He'll take good care of you." So, up he went again. When he got up in the bedroom, Tony took off his pants exposing his hairy legs. Again Schwa ran downstairs to Hal. "Hal, Hal, Tony took off his pants, and he's got hairy legs!" "Don't worry. All good men have hairy legs. Tony's a good man. Go upstairs, and he'll take good care of you." So, up he went again. When he got up there, Tony took off his socks, and on his left foot he was missing three toes. When Schwa saw this, he ran downstairs. "Hal, Hal, Tony's got a foot and a half!" "Stay here and finish cooking dinner", says Hal. "This is a job for Hal!

wait no, it's actually a Drive By Truckers DVD

alien abduction!

sorry, shoulda purplised ^that

c'mon AD, if you compare them with the private sector they are very low

Schwa’s dad and three of his buddies go out to play golf one sunny morning. Schwa’s dad is detained in the clubhouse and the other three are start discussing their children while walking to the first tee. "My son," says Hal’s dad, "has made quite a name for himself in the home- building industry. He began as a carpenter, but now owns his own design and construction firm. He's so successful in fact, in the last year he was able to give a good friend a brand new home as a gift." AD’s dad, not to be outdone, starts to talk about how his son began his career as a car salesman, but now owns a multi-line dealership. "He's so successful, in fact, in the last six months he gave a friend of his two brand new cars as a gift." bagochips’ dad listens to all this, and then starts to brag about his son and how he had worked his way up through a stock brokerage and in the last few weeks has given a good friend a large stock portfolio as a gift. As Schwa’s dad arrives at the tee box, another tells him that they have been discussing the successes of their sons and asks what line his son is in. "To tell the truth, I'm not very pleased with how my son has turned out," he replies. "For fifteen years, he's been a hairdresser, and I've just recently discovered he's a practicing homosexual. But, on the bright side, he must be good at what he does because his last three boyfriends have given him a brand new house, two cars, and a big pile of stock certificates."

Schwa checks into a hotel on a business trip and was a bit lonely. He thought of one of those girls you see advertised in phone booths when you're calling for a cab. He popped into a phone booth near the hotel and found an ad for a girl calling herself Erogonique, a lovely girl, bending over in the photo. She had all the right curves in all the right places, beautiful long wavy hair, long graceful legs...... He copied the phone number and returned to his hotel. When back in the room he figures, what the hell, give her a call. 'Hello,' the woman says. God, she sounded sexy. 'Hi, I hear you give a great massage and I'd like you to come to my room and give me one.. No, wait, I should be straight with you. I'm in town all alone and what I really want is sex. I want it hard, I want it hot, and I want it now. Bring implements, toys, rubber, leather, whips, everything you've got in your bag of tricks. We'll go hot and heavy all night; tie me up, cover me in chocolate syrup and whipped cream, anything you want! Now, how does that sound?' She says, 'That sounds fantastic, but you need to press 9 for an outside line '

Schwa. went to the butchers the other day, butcher says "Schwa., I bet you $5 you can't touch the meat on that shelf over there." Schwa. says "I'm not betting on that." Butcher says: Why not? "Because the steaks are too high."

Nooooooooooooo not Universo Latino!

Schwa and Hal are out in the woods on a hunting trip. They bring the usual supplies, bud, booze and beef jerky. All is going well until Hal suddenly collapses. He doesn’t seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed. Schwa gets out his phone and calls the emergency services. “My friend is dead! What can I do?†he gasps. The operator says “Calm down, I can help. First, let’s make sure he’s dead.†There is silence and then a gunshot is heard. Back on the phone, Schwa says. “Ok, now what?â€

I'm glad I'm not the only one who has naughty dreams about Ron McLean

I heard MarcO is going to be MarcO the Younger

Schwa, having split from his latest girlfriend, decided to take a holiday. He booked himself on a cruise and proceeded to have the time of his life. That is, until the ship sank! He found himself on an island with no other people, no supplies, nothing, only bananas and coconuts. After about four months, he is lying on the beach one day when the most gorgeous woman he has ever seen rows up to the shore. In disbelief, he asks, 'Where did you come from? How did you get here?' She replies, 'I rowed from the other side of the island. I landed here when my cruise ship sank.' 'Amazing,' he notes. 'You were really lucky to have a row boat wash up with you.' 'Oh, this thing?' explains the woman. 'I made the boat out of raw materials I found on the island. The oars were whittled from gum tree branches. I wove the bottom from palm branches, and the sides and stern came from a Eucalyptus tree.' 'But, where did you get the tools?' 'Oh, that was no problem,' replied the woman. 'On the south side of the island, a very unusual stratum of alluvial rock is exposed. I found if I fired it to a certain temperature in my kiln, it melted into ductile iron. I used that for tools and used the tools to make the hardware.' Schwa is stunned. 'Let's row over to my place,' she says. After a few minutes of rowing, she docks the boat at a small wharf. As Schwa looks to shore, he nearly falls off the boat. Before him is stone walk leading to an exquisite bungalow painted in blue and white. While the woman ties up the rowboat with an expertly woven hemp rope, Schwa can only stare ahead, dumb struck. As they walk into the house, she says casually, 'It's not much but I call it home. Sit down, please. Would you like a drink?' 'No! No thank you,' he blurts out, still dazed. 'I can't take another drop of coconut juice.' 'It's not coconut juice,' winks the woman. 'I have a still. How would you like a Pina Colada?' Trying to hide his continued amazement, Schwa accepts, and they sit down on her couch to talk. After they have exchanged their stories, the woman announces, 'I'm going to slip into something more comfortable. Would you like to take a shower and shave? There is a razor upstairs in the bathroom cabinet.' No longer questioning anything, Schwa goes into the bathroom. There, in the cabinet, a razor made from a piece of tortoise bone. Two shells honed to a hollow ground edge are fastened on to its end inside a swivel mechanism. 'This woman is amazing,' he muses. 'What next?' When he returns, she greets him wearing nothing but vines, strategically positioned, and smelling faintly of gardenias. She beckons for him to sit down next to her. 'Tell me,' she begins suggestively, slithering closer to him, 'We've been out here for many months. You've been lonely. There's something I'm sure you really feel like doing right now, something you've been longing for?' She stares into his eyes... He swallows excitedly and tears start to form in his eyes........ 'Fecking hell, don't tell me you've got the NHL Network?

Yes, thank you Todd for the words. Just great.

Little Schwa. was in class one day, says, 'Miss, I need a piss'. The teacher says, Little Schwa., the word is urinate. If you can use urinate in a sentence, you can go to the toilet. So Little Schwa says, 'Miss, urinate, but if you had bigger tits you'd be a ten'.

mmm pointy

So Schwa and Hal share a win the lottery, 200k each. Both decide to take early retirement and enjoy their winnings. They soon lose touch once away from the daily grind. Years later Schwa sees Hal whilst walking his dog in the park. He shouts ‘Hal! I haven’t seen you for YEARS! How’s life?’ Hal: ‘So so, working part time as a garbage man, had a great time blowing that win though, how about you? Same?’ Schwa: ‘Why I’m a multi millionaire Hal!’ Hal: ‘A millionaire? How’d you manage that after giving up work??’ Schwa: ‘I invested my winnings into opening a brothel!’ Hal: ‘A brothel? A brothel made you a millionaire!?’ Schwa: ‘Yes Hal, you see, it was one of a kind, a 3 storey brothel, something for the straight blokes on the ground floor, something for the homosexuals upstairs, and something for the pedophiles in the attic’ Hal: ‘What an idea, you lucky bastard’ Schwa: ‘Hey it wasn’t always this easy, started off as just me, the wife and kids!’

no but i once dated an elk

Sorry Schwa. Sharon went into a store to buy Bouche a pet for his birthday. After looking around, she found that all the pets were very expensive. She told the clerk she wanted to buy a pet, but she didn't want to spend a fortune. 'Well,' said the clerk, 'I have a very large frog. They say it's been trained to give blowjobs!' 'Blow jobs!' Sharon replied. 'It hasn't been proven but we've sold 30 of them this month,' he said Sharon thought it would be a great gag gift, and what if it's true...no more blow jobs for her! She bought the frog. When she explained froggy's ability to Bouche, he was extremely skeptical and laughed it off! . Sharon went to bed happy, thinking she may never need to perform this less than riveting act again. In the middle of the night, she was awakened by the noise of pots and pans flying everywhere, making hellacious banging and crashing sounds. She ran downstairs to the kitchen, only to find Bouche and the frog reading cookbooks. 'What are you two doing at this hour?' she asked. Bouche replied, 'If I can teach this frog to cook.......you're gone.'

Schwa is browsing in a pet shop and sees a parrot sitting on a little perch. It doesn't have any feet or legs. Schwa says aloud, 'Jeesh, I wonder what happened to this parrot?' The parrot says, 'I was born this way. I'm a defective parrot.' 'Holy crap,' Schwa replies. 'You actually understood and answered me!' 'I got every word,' says the parrot. 'I happen to be a highly intelligent thoroughly educated bird.' 'Oh yeah?' Schwa asks, 'Then answer this -- how do you hang onto your perch without any feet?' 'Well,' the parrot says, 'this is very embarrassing but since you asked, I wrap my weenie around this wooden bar like a little hook. You can't see it because of my feathers.' 'Wow,' says Schwa. 'You really can understand and speak English can't you?' 'Actually, I speak both Spanish and English, and I can converse with reasonable competence on almost any topic: politics, religion, sports, physics, and philosophy. I'm especially good at ornithology. You reallyought to buy me. I'd be a great companion.' Schwa looks at the $200.00 price tag. 'Sorry, but I just can't afford that.' 'Pssssssst,' says the parrot, 'I'm defective, so the truth is, nobody wants me cause I don't have any feet. You can probably get me for $20; just make the Schwa an offer!' Schwa offers $20 and walks out with the parrot. Weeks go by. The parrot is sensational. He has a great sense of humor, he's interesting, he's a great pal, he understands everything, he sympathizes, and he's insightful. Schwa is delighted. One day Schwa comes home from work and the parrot goes, 'Psssssssssssst,' and motions him over with one wing. 'I don't know if I should tell you this or not, but it's about your GF and the UPS man..' 'What are you talking about?' asks Schwa. 'When the UPS man delivered a package today, your GF greeted him at the door in a sheer black nightie.' 'WHAT???' Schwa asks incredulously. 'THEN what happened?' 'Well, then the UPS man came into the house and lifted up her nightie and began petting her all over,' reported the parrot. 'NO!' he exclaims. 'And she let him?' 'Yes. Then he continued taking off the nightie, got down on his knees and began to kiss her all over.....' Then the frantic Schwa demands, 'THEN WHAT HAPPENED?' 'Damned if I know. I got a hard-on and fell off my perch!'