Look for the silver lining

[M]

My dad wrote a beautful essay about life and emailed it to me today... I think it's very well written and states many key things anyone at any age can learn from. I thought I would share as I think we can all try to focus a little more on the positive in life... it is a wonderful life, after all.

I love my dad, and these words that he writes below are the words he raised us by... and I think should be shared.

Mary

Look For The Silver Lining

by C. O'Connell

It is 6am on a Monday and you are jarred awake by the incessant beeping of your alarm clock. As you struggle out of bed in the cold dark of morning, you stub your toe and a searing pain jolts you wide awake. While shaving, you draw blood with an overused razor. In the kitchen, you swear as you remember that you forgot to buy coffee last night. As you peer outside through the fogged-up window, you curse the driving blizzard. The perky voice on the radio cheerfully predicts another three inches of snow and confirms that traffic is already a mess. You shovel your way to your frigid car, before soldiering out, coffeeless, onto city streets with a million other disgruntled commuters. And another week begins…

As a species, we are pessimists by nature. In his book, Learned Optimism, psychologist Martin E.P. Seligman explains that without pessimism, mankind may not have survived. He claims that, “our emotional makeup has been shaped by one hundred thousand years of climactic catastrophe: waves of cold and heat; drought and flood; plenty and sudden famine.†It was man’s capacity to constantly worry about the future and to brood, “that the sunny days were a prelude to harsher weather†that aided our survival. He writes, “We have inherited these ancestors’ brains and therefore their capacity to see the cloud rather than the silver lining.†We are hard wired pessimists.

“Life is difficult.†This simple sentence begins The Road Less Travelled, a book on personal growth by psychotherapist M. Scott Peck. The book debunks the theory that life, by design, should be sweetness and light, and argues that it is instead a steady struggle until death. However, if asked what we want out of life, happiness is the elusive goal that many of us long for. Happiness can roughly be defined as being free from all pain and suffering, mental and physical. Peck would argue that this is an unrealistic desire as, â€life is difficult.â€

I believe life is made up of a series of moments that take us from birth to death. How we live these moments determines the quality of our life. Firstly, by accepting the reality that life will bring both joy and pain, we will more easily cope with day-to-day living. Secondly, by focusing our minds to look for the positives in everyday living, we will enhance our life and the lives of those around us. And lastly, by reframing difficult situations, we offer ourselves the opportunity to break away from negative thoughts. Easier said than done. Rewiring a pessimist takes time and effort, and we should not expect overnight success.

In his poem The Rainy Day, Longfellow says, “Into each life some rain must fallâ€, but he also says, “Behind the clouds is the sun still shining.†It is this balance that we must strive for, the knowledge that every day will not be perfect, but everyday will not be a disaster either. We are a resilient species and our will to survive is strong. An old tale tells how the great King Solomon asked his minister to find the magic ring that, when worn, made the sad man happy and the happy man sad. After many months of searching, the minister returned with a ring inscribed with the words, “This Too Shall Passâ€. With the wisdom that, whatever the challenge, it “too shall passâ€, we can face each day with more acceptance and optimism.

By focusing on the positives in life, we create a mental shift away from negative thoughts. When Barbara Ann Kipfer was in the sixth grade, she began to record the little things in her life that made her happy. For over twenty years she recorded her thoughts, culminating in a book, 14,000 things to be happy about. The book is a simple stream of consciousness that contains word pictures of the things that brought Kipfer moments of pleasure. As she says in her introduction to the book,“ Words, and the images they create, can be a great source of pleasure and inspirationâ€. But it is the process of her writing this book that struck me. Imagine if each of us, every day, took the time to write down the little things that made us happy. Imagine the mental reprogramming that would take place. Barbara’s book contains words that conjure up pleasant pictures: “Quilts wrought during long winter eveningsâ€; “Bread, cheese and wine on a hillsideâ€; “A stormy weekend to get reacquainted with the most comfortable chair in the house.†What a wonderful way to record one’s life! What an effective way to push pessimism into the shadows! It has been fifteen years since Kipfer wrote her book. I expect she has since accumulated many more thousands of things to be happy about. One thing is certain; each day she is expecting good things to happen and, if goods things are not obvious, she is going to look for them. She focuses on the positives. We can all learn from her.

When bad things happen, as they will, we can try to reframe them in a positive light. As a child, I was blessed with a mother who seemed, much of the time, to be quite serene, given the challenge of raising a large family on a meager income. Whenever my siblings or I complained too much, our whining was answered with lines from her favourite poem, As You Go Through Life by Ella Wheeler Wilcox:

Don’t look for the flaws as you go through life,

And even if you find them,

Be wise and kind and somewhat blind,

And look for the virtues behind them.

These words were rarely heeded then, but as I matured, I realized that these simple lines confirmed what Peck was saying. My mother accepted that there would be trials and tribulations in life. Instead of letting them overcome her, she tried to reframe them by looking for anything that could give her hope or encouragement. She made lemonade out of lemons. But it was in the most unlikely place that I learned most about the power of reframing: a funeral home.

Some years ago, I attended the funeral service for a friend who had been killed in a car crash, leaving behind a devastated husband and two teenage children. The minister’s homily was inspiring. He acknowledged the huge pain and loss of all attending the service saying, “Each one of you here is asking, ‘why did she die?’ I would like to reframe the question and ask, ‘why did she live?’†He explained that this woman had touched everyone in the church, and over her lifetime, had touched the lives of thousands of others. It was this reframing of a tragic and hopeless situation that encouraged the family to refocus on her life and what she meant to them and those around her. It did not lessen the tragedy, but redirected their energy in a more positive way. Our challenge is to make each day better by reframing the negatives. Instead of cursing the blizzard, look at the beauty of the snowflakes. Instead of fuming over the traffic jam, feel blessed to have a job to go to.

Life is difficult, but it is also interesting, exciting, and should be lived to the fullest. By accepting that there will be tough times, and by looking for the positives and reframing the negatives, we can make a fulfilling life for ourselves. It requires effort to reprogram our brains away from dwelling on the less enjoyable parts of life towards savouring the goodness in life. The effort is well worth it. We may be hard-wired pessimists, but rewiring can be enjoyable. We only go around once, so we should enjoy the ride!

[can-o-phish]

Thanks for sharing this M!

[Davey Boy 2.0]

quite apropos

tx, M

[phorbesie]

Nice post...It's always good to remember these things...and on a day like today here especially. That's really nice that your dad shared that with you...I can't in a million years imagine my father ever writing something like that!

I like the part about re-framing...we all wear filters over our minds which show us life differently from the way anybody else sees it. Which is why a post on a message board can mean such different things to different people. *Trying* (at least trying ) to take off the filter or frame is helpful when having a problem.

To quote Lama Yeshe:

You hear what you want to hear, see what you want to see. It's true. The thing is not to identify with your delusions. The quality you look for appears.

[voodoolady]

That was awesome M, thanks for sharing!

[SmoothedShredder]

Very Zen.

[ollie]

Thanks too for sharing but...

Instead of cursing the blizzard, look at the beauty of the snowflakes.

...NEVER GOING TO HAPPEN!!

I'm curious, was this written to be published somewhere?

[M]

Thanks for the feedback guys! I appreciate it.

And Ollie, re: your question - - my dad retired last year and has since taken up some courses at U of T (for interest sake). He wrote this essay for a class recently, although I'm not sure which one.

[Davey Boy 2.0]

i think it was Retired Hippy Philosophy 101

[M]

ahh haa haa!!

[Baj]

thankyou!

[ilovesound]

Incredible ... Thanks for sharing ...

[Dr_Evil_Mouse]

Thanks for this. Beautifully written - life does move forward, doesn't it, against all the entropy.

[Im going home Donny]

wow Mary. I knew I should wait for the right moment to check this one out.

Thanks for posting that. Funny thing I used to own that book(RLT) though I'd forgotten about it long before I lost it.

Think its a replacer.

Thanks chiccitta

rock on.

Edited December 8, 2005 by Guest

[Douglas]

I will echo so many posts above by saying...thank you for sharing this!

I stuggled with pessimism from Monday - Friday (as I'm sure alot of people do). I struggle with it because my colleagues often have a very different point of view that I do. In short, I get the feeling that I appear to them as being open to abuse. But I get the sense that they don't know what they're missing.

Take today for example: my cell number was given out without my permission by a client (who had my cell number with the understanding that she would only use it in emergency situations). I ended up being tied up on the phone on 3 separate occasions just to help this person get connected remotely (while 30+ other issues were in queue). And it's quite difficult to tell a director (in not so many words) to take a deep breath and listen. When all was said and done, she was so grateful that she "sent me a hug over the wires"! Strange? A little. Good? A lot. And she was very understanding during our "dead air" that I was working on other problems so I was able to help her and continue with some of the other kerfuffle. Later in the day, I passed by her assistant and thought I'd brief her on what went down that morning. Turns out that this director was working remotely (from BC) because her mother had suddenly fell very ill. Boy, am I ever glad I picked up that call rather than someone else who may have fluffed it off. I'm sure they would have been able to help her just as well with the technical issues, but I take comfort in the thought that perhaps I made just a small part of her day a tiny bit better.

I understand (for the most part) their point of view in that sometimes people will take for granted the person that gives the impression that they are there to help, whatever the situation. And there have been times that I have had to deal with that, and it was difficult. But I have also tried the hard-ass approach and it was during that time that I have never disliked my job so much.

Is it uber-busy right now at work? Yes. Are people stressing me out at work? oh yes. Do I want to run through the halls, arms flailing about, screaming non-word words (aka: homer words)? Most definitely, yes. But I also realize that if I didn't like my job, then I wouldn't feel this stress because I wouldn't care.

So I smile. And I laugh. And in my head, I imagine running through the halls, flailing my arms, screaming "ohaedhirdh aihdaje ihbjur" and then I laugh some more.

And then I come home to Booche & Sammy and phone calls from friends & family...and I truly realize that all of those clouds have sunny breaks

[Davey Boy 2.0]

you rock, douglas

[Sunshine]

thanks for sharing

[headymamamyrna]

Yes thanks for shaing that!

I am going to think and look positive all day and see all the bright things the sun is shining on because its shining brightly today!

[Guest Low Roller]

Thanks for posting that M. Good read.

Also, I got a new signature!