Inane Workplace Banter

[ollie]

You know what I'm talking about. You pass someone in the hallway, say "Hello" or "How's it going?" and get something like this in return:

"Another day another dollar."

"We almost made it." (referring to the weekend)

"One more hour to go." (referring to the workday)

"It's Monday."

"It's hump day."

"It's almost Friday."

I always find this difficult to respond to because I hardly ever pine for the weekend. I figure it'll get here eventually and in the meantime I'll enjoy the work week as much as I can.

Does this drive anyone else crazy? I find it so cheesey.

[Freak By Night]

How about: "I'm gonna need you to go ahead and come in on Sunday".

[backbacon]

Some co-worker: "Having fun yet?"

Me: "Yup!"

What I'm actually thinking: "Go fuck yourself!"

This one bugs me too:

Someone: "How are you?"

Me: "Oh, not bad, and you?"

Same someone (all depressed-like): "I'm here."

ugh.

[AdamH]

"You look grumpy today" - That's when I put on my ODB mask and shout "Pardon me bitch while I shit on your grass"

[livingstoned]

How about: "I'm gonna need you to go ahead and come in on Sunday".

and YES - very irritating when a co-worker mopes around with such "i'm here" comments and the like....bitch bitch bitch about your job ---- GET A NEW F*CKING JOB!

[ollie]

Just remembered one from my last job:

Me acknowledging co-worker: "Hey."

Co-worker: "Hay is for horses."

I went off on him.

[backbacon]

I also find it quite irritating when people ask what I did on the weekend...

I don't care what you did.. don't pretend to care what I did.

[payce-ley]

glad backbacon has a holiday weekend lined up and ready to go

sounds like its been a long week at the office!

[backbacon]

ha! you said it Payce!

[Velvet]

Maybe it's the nature of my workplace, but we seem a bit immune to that sort of talk. For example:

Me: What's going on Alan?

Alan: (thoughtful pause) I really have no idea.

Me: How's it going Jeff?

Jeff: I feel like I'm standing on a moving baseball.

[PalacePrincess]

"working hard, or hardly working?"

"if i was any better i'd be you!"

"if i was any better i'd be dead!"

in response to "how are you?"

"just ducky!"

grrrrrrrrr, that makes me want to kill people

or "can't complain"

things that also make me want to kill people:

"at the end of the day..."

"just so we're on the same page..."

[Freak By Night]

I've always hated people saying "touch base". The only place that would be acceptable is if you work for a baseball team.

[bradm]

I've always hated people saying "touch base". The only place that would be acceptable is if you work for a baseball team.

Or if you work with a person named "Base"...

Aloha,

Brad

[peipunk]

"working hard, or hardly working?"

OMG I get that one at least 6 times a day, and just reading it made me want to scream obscenities.

Working in a building supplies store in a small community, I get all kinds of horrible redundant small talk, 80% of which is about the weather.

"some day..."

"s'gonna rain, er wha???"

The opening of fishing season is also good for an influx:

"gettin' any trout?"

[questcequecest?]

things that also make me want to kill people:

"at the end of the day..."

"just so we're on the same page..."

oh princess, "at the end of the day, when the chips are down, it's all about what you bring to the table. as for me, i've got a lot on my plate. flip me an email."

[livingstoned]

something I get at work ALOT, no joke and it's about the only thing I don't mind.

"are you drunk?"

My response is always a hiccup.

[ollie]

Mike just sent me this great article: Avoiding Office Small Talk.

This line is gold:

For instance, you're walking down a long hall, you see a coworker. . . but they are too far to begin a conversation, yet too close to avoid an awkward chat, and you must find something to focus your attention until you find the precise time to start the inevitable semi-conversation in passing.

[Velvet]

"are you drunk?"

Funny, I ask my students that a lot.

[c-towns]

on hot days.... "Hot enough for ya?"

in my line of work, I stick tools down holes and I get day in and day out, "catch anything?"

[SevenSeasJim]

user - my computer is really slow

me - quit fucking with it

[backbacon]

The most annoying filler phrase, "Going forward.."

Whoever: "So, is there going to be any more layoffs?"

Manager person: "Well, going forward, we're going to be addressing some issues on a day-to-day basis and ..."

Me (thinking): "Oh, cut the fucking bullshit you smug-faced lying piece of shit!"

[bradm]

The most annoying filler phrase, "Going forward.."

Whoever: "So, is there going to be any more layoffs?"

Manager person: "Well, going forward, we're going to be addressing some issues on a day-to-day basis and ..."

You: "If we're going to be doing that going forward, what are we going to be doing going backward?"

Aloha,

Brad

[MarcO]

"the reality is......."

"it's not getting any cooler in here is it?....."

"man is it hot in here!"

and yeah, pp already posted it but I work with a guy who has said this to me EVERY DAY for years now:

"workin' hard or hardly workin'?"

go suck a bag of cocks you spermwaste.

[bradm]

"workin' hard or hardly workin'?"

Let loose some personal stuff to make him seriously uncomfortable:

"'Working hard'? I can't work hard, not since my erectile dysfunction came on strong, and those little blue pills? My doctor won't let me take them due to my heart condition. My wife and I have talked about alternatives, and it looks like the only thing may be for me to let her hook up with other men, but we have the kids to worry about..."

Aloha,

Brad

[ollie]

We have one guy in the office who addresses every male co-worker with mister and his firstname, accompanied by the Rob Schneider copy guy lilt.

e.g.

"Mister Miiiiiiiiiiiike"

"Mister Oliverrrrrrrrrr"

"Mister Randaaaaaaaaaay"

He also can't tell his own jokes without laughing his ass off.