Potty humour (sorry if its old)

[Hal Johnson]

CROP DUSTING -- When farting, you walk briskly around the office so the

smell is not in your area and everyone else gets a whiff but doesn't know

where it came from. Be careful when you do this. Do not stop until the

full fart has been expelled. Walk an extra 30 feet to make sure the smell has

left your pants.

FLY BY -- The act of scouting out a bathroom before pooing. Walk in and

check for other pooers. If there are others in the bathroom, leave and

come

back again. Be careful not to become a FREQUENT FLYER. People may become

suspicious if they catch you constantly going into the bathroom.

ESCAPEE -- A fart that slips out while taking a leak at the urinal or

forcing a poo in a cubicle. This is usually accompanied by a sudden wave

of embarrassment. If you release an escapee, do not acknowledge it. Pretend

it did not happen. If you are standing next to the farter in the urinal,

pretend you did not hear it. No one likes an escapee. It is uncomfortable

for all involved. Making a joke or laughing makes both parties feel

uneasy.

JAILBREAK -- When forcing a poo, several farts slip out at a machine gun

pace. This is usually a side effect of diarrhea or a hangover. If this

should happen, do not panic. Remain in the cubicle until everyone has left

the bathroom to spare everyone the awkwardness of what just occurred.

COURTESY FLUSH -- The act of flushing the toilet the instant the poo hits

the water. This reduces the amount of air time the poo has to stink up the

bathroom. This can help you avoid being caught doing the WALK OF SHAME.

WALK OF SHAME -- Walking from the cubicle, to the sink, to the door after

you have just stunk up the bathroom. This can be a very uncomfortable

moment

if someone walks in and busts you. As with farts, it is best to pretend

that

the smell does not exist. Can be avoided with the use of the COURTESY

FLUSH.

OUT OF THE CLOSET POOER -- A colleague who poos at work and is proud of

it.

You will often see an Out Of The Closet Pooer enter the bathroom with a

newspaper or magazine under his or her arm. Always look around the office

for the Out Of The Closet Pooer before entering the bathroom.

THE POOING FRIENDS NETWORK (P.F.N) -- A group of co-workers who band

together to ensure emergency pooing goes off without incident. This group

can help you to monitor the whereabouts of Out Of The Closet Pooers, and

identify SAFE HAVENS.

SAFE HAVENS -- A seldom used bathroom somewhere in the building where you

can least expect visitors. Try floors that are predominantly of the

opposite

sex. This will reduce the odds of a pooer of your sex entering the

bathroom.

TURD BURGLAR -- Someone who does not realize that you are in the cubicle

and

tries to force the door open. This is one of the most shocking and

vulnerable moments that can occur when taking a poo at work. If this

occurs,

remain in the cubicle until the Turd Burglar leaves. This way you will

avoid

all uncomfortable eye contact.

CAMO-COUGH -- A phoney cough that alerts all new entrants into the

bathroom

that you are in a cubicle. This can be used to cover-up a WATERMELON, or

to

alert potential Turd Burglars. Very effective when used in conjunction

with

an ASTAIRE.

ASTAIRE -- A subtle toe-tap that is used to alert potential Turd Burglars

that you are occupying a cubicle. This will remove all doubt that the

cubicle is occupied. If you hear an Astaire, leave the bathroom

immediately

so the pooer can poo in peace.

WATERMELON -- A poo that creates a loud splash when hitting the toilet

water. This is also an embarrassing incident. If you feel a Watermelon

coming on, create a diversion. See CAMO-COUGH.

HAVANA OMELET -- A case of diarrhea that creates a series of loud splashes

in the toilet water. Often accompanied by an Escapee. Try using a

Camo-Cough

with an Astaire.

UNCLE TED -- A bathroom user who seems to linger around forever. Could

spend extended lengths of time in front of the mirror or sitting on the pot. An

Uncle Ted makes it difficult to relax while on the crapper, as you should

always wait to poo when the bathroom is empty. This benefits you as well

as the other bathroom attendees.

[AD]

i laughed a lot at that, thanks

[Hal Johnson]

Me too. They really captured the essence of the fear that the "Turd Burglar" instills in someone.

[AD]

it's incredibly accurate too. i work in an office building with a shared washroom - all of this stuff is real and not fabricated. pulitzer-worthy analysis

[phorbesie]

the name havana omelet made me laugh

[Freak By Night]

You forgot one:

UPPER DECKER -- The act of defecating in the upper tank of the toilet. When the next poor unsuspecting person flushes the toilet they get a bowl of beef stew. the upper decker is a weapon of terror and should only be used on people who deserve it.

"My friend's ex-girlfriend had a party and she left whith some other dude who looked like the Fonz "Heyyy!". So I took it upon myself to leave her an upper decker."

[phishtaper]

the name havana omelet made me laugh

and has obliged a last-minute to change to this weekend's brunch menu ...

[Davey Boy 2.0]

jeffery will be crushed

[Schwa.]

UNCLE TED -- A bathroom user who seems to linger around forever. Could

spend extended lengths of time in front of the mirror or sitting on the pot. An

Uncle Ted makes it difficult to relax while on the crapper, as you should

always wait to poo when the bathroom is empty. This benefits you as well

as the other bathroom attendees.

I wonder it was named after that old hippie dude?! Hilarious

[Hal Johnson]

Im gonna go pull an uncle ted right now! This should be fun. Maybe Ill report back.

[AD]

we were at a party that got upper-tanked once, it was horrible.

my co-worker wrote a new one; his diet is questionable

PYROCLASTIC FLOW – This occurs when the poo has a neutron star like density along with the girth of a small car making the toilet unable to accept the incoming mass causing a backup and producing a pyroclastic flow of hot magmatic effluvia that escapes the brim of the toilet bowl itself. If this unfortunate event happens just pray no one is in the bathroom with you and leave quickly.

[Hal Johnson]

Im gonna go pull an uncle ted right now! This should be fun. Maybe Ill report back.

Awkward!

But I think I gotta date for Friday night.

[Blane]

try working in an office that has not only shared toilets, but shared CO-ED toilets. Turd burgler indeed!

[c-towns]

I was recently informed about "the birds nest". This is the act of putting wadded up toilet paper into the toilet bowl pre poo in a birds nest shape and then poo'ing in it, the reasoning in this was to prevent toilet water blow-back on the poo'er.