peipunk Posted May 6, 2009 Report Share Posted May 6, 2009 HOW TO POOP AT WORKWe've all been there but don't like to admit it. Asmuch as we try to convince ourselves otherwise, theWORKPOOP is inevitable. For those who hate pooping atwork, following is the Survival Guide for taking adump at work.CROP DUSTINGWhen farting, you walk briskly around the office sothe smell is not in your area and everyone else gets awhiff but doesn't know where it came from.Be careful when you do this. Do not stop until thefull fart has been expelled. Walk an extra 30 feet tomake sure the smell has left your pants.FLY BYThe act of scouting out a bathroom before pooping.Walk in and check for other poopers. If there areothers in the bathroom, leave and come back again. Becareful not to become a FREQUENT FLYER. People maybecome suspicious if they catch you constantly goinginto the bathroom.ESCAPEEA fart that slips out while taking a leak at theurinal or forcing a poop in a stall. This is usuallyaccompanied by a sudden wave of embarrassment.If you release an escapee, do not acknowledge it.Pretend it did not happen. If you are standing next tothe farter in the urinal, pretend you did not hear it.No one likes an escapee. It is uncomfortable for allinvolved. Making a joke or laughing makes both partiesfeel uneasy.JAILBREAKWhen forcing a poop, several farts slip out at amachine gun pace. This is usually a side effect ofdiarrhea or a hangover. If this should happen, do notpanic. Remain in the stall until everyone has left thebathroom to spare everyone the awkwardness of whatjust occurred.COURTESY FLUSHThe act of flushing the toilet the instant the poophits the water. This reduces the amount of air timethe poop has to stink up the bathroom. This can helpyou avoid being caught doing the WALK OF SHAME.WALK OF SHAMEWalking from the stall, to the sink, to the door afteryou have just stunk up the bathroom. This can be avery uncomfortable moment if someone walks in andbusts you. As with farts, it is best to pretend thatthe smell does not exist. Can be avoided with the useof the COURTESY FLUSH.OUT OF THE CLOSET POOPERA colleague who poops at work and is damn proud of it.You will often see an Out Of The Closet Pooper enterthe bathroom with a newspaper or magazine under his orher arm. Always look around the office for the Out OfThe Closet Pooper before entering the bathroom.THE POOPING FRIENDS NETWORK (P.F.N)A group of co-workers who band together to ensureemergency pooping goes off without incident. Thisgroup can help you to monitor the whereabouts of OutOf the Closet Poopers, and identify SAFE HAVENS.SAFE HAVENSA seldom used bathroom somewhere in the building whereyou can least expect visitors. Try floors that arepredominantly of the opposite sex. This will reducethe odds of a pooper of your sex entering thebathroom.TURD BURGLARSomeone who does not realize that you are in the stalland tries to force the door open. This is one of themost shocking and vulnerable moments that can occurwhen taking a poop at work. If this occurs, remain inthe stall until the Turd Burglar leaves. This way youwill avoid all uncomfortable eye contact.CAMO-COUGHA phony cough that alerts all new entrants into thebathroom that you are in a stall. This can be used tocover-up a WATERMELON, or to alert potential TurdBurglars. Very effective when used in conjunction withan ASTAIRE.ASTAIREA subtle toe-tap that is used to alert potential TurdBurglars that you are occupying a stall. This willremove all doubt that the stall is occupied. If youhear an Astaire, leave the bathroom immediately so thepooper can poop in peace.WATERMELONA poop that creates a loud splash when hitting thetoilet water. This is also an embarrassing incident.If you feel a Watermelon coming on, create adiversion. See CAMO-COUGH.HAVANA OMELETA case of diarrhea that creates a series of loudsplashes in the toilet water. Often accompanied by anEscapee. Try using a Camo-Cough with an Astaire.UNCLE TEDA bathroom user who seems to linger around forever.Could spend extended lengths of time in front of themirror or sitting on the pot. An Uncle Ted makes itdifficult to relax while on the crapper, as you shouldalways wait to poop when the bathroom is empty. Thisbenefits you as well as the other bathroom attendees.WATER SPOUTA situation in which the waste that has just beendeployed forces the water in which it was submerged,is force back onto the rectum of the pooping worker.Such a situation can be prevented with a CATCHER'S MITTCATCHER'S MITTThe process in which the pooper, prior to deployinghis waste, lays down a primary bunch of toilet paperin order to prevent a Water Spout. As the waste hitsthe floating toilet paper, it is met with a softcushion that does not disturb the water. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Schwa. Posted May 6, 2009 Report Share Posted May 6, 2009 ah, the ol' poop thread. how i missed thee. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
peipunk Posted May 6, 2009 Author Report Share Posted May 6, 2009 Was this already up or did you mean poop thread in general? My apologies if this is a double post. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Gateaux Posted May 6, 2009 Report Share Posted May 6, 2009 Like it. One of my fave moves is actually coughing when you first start firing out turds to cover up any funky noises. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
rubberdinghy Posted May 6, 2009 Report Share Posted May 6, 2009 ESCAPEEA fart that slips out while taking a leak at theurinal or forcing a poop in a stall. This is usuallyaccompanied by a sudden wave of embarrassment.If you release an escapee, do not acknowledge it.Pretend it did not happen. If you are standing next tothe farter in the urinal, pretend you did not hear it.No one likes an escapee. It is uncomfortable for allinvolved. Making a joke or laughing makes both partiesfeel uneasy.The old men at work love this one....however they fully acknowledge, crack a joke, then start yipping away.Fucking Bus Drivers Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tungsten Gruvsten Posted May 6, 2009 Report Share Posted May 6, 2009 nice - forwarded this around work and everyone has assigned someones name to each type - started off fun but now they are all pissed off and escalating this to hilarious new levels...9 people, 45 emails in 15 minutes of finger-pointing, shit-profiling mayhem. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Davey Boy 2.0 Posted May 6, 2009 Report Share Posted May 6, 2009 I read that in a poll conducted of Wall street CEO's the Out Of The Closet Pooper was found to be 72% more likely to be made redundant than the Courtesy Flusher, irregardless of job performance Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Schwa. Posted May 6, 2009 Report Share Posted May 6, 2009 Not a total repeat per se but there is usually a threat ABOUT poop every 6 months or so. I enjoy them.....consider it educational. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Davey Boy 2.0 Posted May 6, 2009 Report Share Posted May 6, 2009 at least the threats are regular Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
peipunk Posted May 6, 2009 Author Report Share Posted May 6, 2009 My fave isTURD BURGLARSomeone who does not realize that you are in the stalland tries to force the door open. This is one of themost shocking and vulnerable moments that can occurwhen taking a poop at work. If this occurs, remain inthe stall until the Turd Burglar leaves. This way youwill avoid all uncomfortable eye contact. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
meggo Posted May 6, 2009 Report Share Posted May 6, 2009 i cannot stop giggling at this. is that a bad sign? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
meggo Posted May 6, 2009 Report Share Posted May 6, 2009 PS i am all about the courtesy flush. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
rubberdinghy Posted May 6, 2009 Report Share Posted May 6, 2009 Have you found the secret bathroom at NHS yet? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Davey Boy 2.0 Posted May 6, 2009 Report Share Posted May 6, 2009 If you find a Babe Ruth in there, it's Dinghy's Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
meggo Posted May 6, 2009 Report Share Posted May 6, 2009 no!! is there a "safe haven"? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
bouche Posted May 6, 2009 Report Share Posted May 6, 2009 There is even a worse on than the walk of shame which I will now write. IT WAS LIKE THAT WHEN I GOT HERESomeone enters the empty stall next to you while you're already in mid-swing. Person in the other stall creates a gigantic gas storm of stink and leaves before you have a chance to finish up. As you leave the stall, another person walks in, assuming that you are the culprit.I think I probably fall under the OUT OF THE CLOSET POOPER. Although, there's nothing shameful about going for a number 2, everyone just seems to know when I'm walking around with a newspaper, where I'm heading. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
balogna pogna Posted May 6, 2009 Report Share Posted May 6, 2009 One time we had pasta with Sour Diesel shake in it for seasoning (we were using that particular spice in everything at the time). The next day at the mortgage office I crapped and it smelled like I'd just puffed a Diesel dube in there.I was so embarrassed I was sweating the whole day that I'd be summoned into the bosses office.I say poop at home whenever possible. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Davey Boy 2.0 Posted May 6, 2009 Report Share Posted May 6, 2009 There is even a worse on than the walk of shame which I will now write. IT WAS LIKE THAT WHEN I GOT HERESomeone enters the empty stall next to you while you're already in mid-swing. Person in the other stall creates a gigantic gas storm of stink and leaves before you have a chance to finish up. As you leave the stall, another person walks in, assuming that you are the culprit.I think I probably fall under the OUT OF THE CLOSET POOPER. Although, there's nothing shameful about going for a number 2, everyone just seems to know when I'm walking around with a newspaper, where I'm heading.maybe if you ate better you wouldn't have time to read the paper Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
badams Posted May 6, 2009 Report Share Posted May 6, 2009 I think I have experienced each of these at one time or another Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Hal Johnson Posted May 6, 2009 Report Share Posted May 6, 2009 (edited) IT WAS LIKE THAT WHEN I GOT HERESomeone enters the empty stall next to you while you're already in mid-swing. Person in the other stall creates a gigantic gas storm of stink and leaves before you have a chance to finish up. As you leave the stall, another person walks in, assuming that you are the culprit.I work a later shift than most in my office and Im often the last guy here at night. I walked in to the bathroom to find one stall completely overflowing and basically 50% of the bathroom was covered in someone else's bad luck. I had to report it to the facilities team in way that said, "It wasn't me", but at the same time didn't make it look like I was protesting too much. Either way, Im pretty sure they thought it was me.Oh, and Max, the toilet paper at work is a poor excuse for toilet paper. Edited May 6, 2009 by Guest Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
M.O.B.E Posted May 6, 2009 Report Share Posted May 6, 2009 Oh, and Max, the toilet paper at work is a poor excuse for toilet paper.Yeah but if you whittle a pipe or some other small wood working project while you go, it's great for taking off the rough edges! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
bouche Posted May 6, 2009 Report Share Posted May 6, 2009 it's rewarding to drop a fart at the grocery store in an empty aisle, let it hang there, then promptly leave. Wait for someone to enter the aisle and then go join them in the fart aisle and give them an accusing look as you walk by with your cart. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Schwa. Posted May 6, 2009 Report Share Posted May 6, 2009 Is there anything in there about shitting on C-towns couch? cuz there should be. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tungsten Gruvsten Posted May 6, 2009 Report Share Posted May 6, 2009 it's rewarding to drop a fart at the grocery store in an empty aisle, let it hang there, then promptly leave. Wait for someone to enter the aisle and then go join them in the fart aisle and give them an accusing look as you walk by with your cart.Golden - good to hear customers do this - back when I was a grocery store employee we would all take great pride in laying a 'fart trap' in one aisle, then leaving quickly and listening in on the ensuing blame game or going back in the aisle to make them uncomfortable...This was second only to my favourite all time grocery store prank - shake up a 2liter of gingerale, put it back on display preferably on an end of an aisle, and just lightly tap it with your casecutter blade...just a small hole - this will spray a fine mist of gingerale for hours upon hours...coating everyone that walks through it in a fine mist that dries quickly....and is sticky as hell! ahh shit. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
c-towns Posted May 6, 2009 Report Share Posted May 6, 2009 My brother inlaw swears by the "birds nest" in defense of the "watermelon".In all public washrooms he will form a nest out of toilet paper in the bowl and poo right into it, no splash back. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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