Davey Boy 2.0 Posted January 8, 2007 Report Share Posted January 8, 2007 Lenny and Carl look at Grimes' correspondence-school diploma.Grimes: Oh, that's my degree in nuclear physics. I'm sure you all have one.Lenny: Oh yeah, Carl and I each have a masters'. [chuckles] Of course, old Homer, he didn't need a degree. He just showed up the day they opened the plant.Homer: I didn't even know what a nuclear panner plant was.Grimes: Um, [forced laugh] yeah. Well, listen, I'm sure, you all have a lot of work to do.Lenny + Carl: [shrug] Eh. [the two leave] [Grimes turns around, and is startled to see that Homer is still there]Homer: Hey, you seem like a great guy, so I'll give you a little tip. If you turn that security camera around, you can sleep and no one will ever know.Grimes: eh, I don't think we're being paid to sleep.Homer: Oh yeah, they're always trying to screw ya. [leaves]Grimes: [shudders in amazement] Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Davey Boy 2.0 Posted January 8, 2007 Report Share Posted January 8, 2007 Break time! Homer tries to set the world indoor speed-eating record. Grimes looks on, disapprovingly.Grimes: God, he eats like a pig.Lenny: I dunno. Pigs tend to chew. I'd say he eats more like a duck.Grimes: Well, some kind of farm animal anyway. And earlier today, I saw him asleep inside a radiation suit. Can you imagine that he, he was hanging from a coat hook.Lenny: He had three beers at lunch. That would make anybody sleepy.Grimey: I've never seen him do any work around here ... what, what is his job?Lenny: Safety inspector.Grimes: That irresponsible oaf? A man who by all rights should have been killed dozens of times by now?Lenny: Three hundred and sixteen times by my count.Grimes: That's the man who's in charge of our safety. It, it boggles the mind.Carl: It's best not to think about it. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Cully Posted January 8, 2007 Author Report Share Posted January 8, 2007 Homer: [holds Lisa's suitcase] Somebody's travelling light.Lisa: Meh. Maybe you're just getting stronger.Homer: Well, I have been eating more. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Davey Boy 2.0 Posted January 8, 2007 Report Share Posted January 8, 2007 Marge comes in the family room.Marge: I don't know how you can all just lay around the house on a nice day like this. When was the last time we went for a good, old-fashioned family walk?Homer: We stopped those when the kids said I was too fat to carry. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Davey Boy 2.0 Posted January 9, 2007 Report Share Posted January 9, 2007 In his mansion, Mr. Burns sits in a chair with a drink watching the TV news.Brockman: Springfield is still swooning from the whirlwind visit of playful plutocrat, Arthur Fortune.Burns: Oh, the man has no idea how to behave like a billionaire. Where's the dignity? Where's the contempt for the common man?Brockman: This new breed of fun-loving billionaire is a welcome change from the classic joyless miser, brooding in his cavernous mansion...Burns: Bah! [echoing] Bah! Bah! Bah!Brockman: ...grasping a glass of brandy with his thin, clawlike fingers... [burns smiles] ...and a superior smirk on his greedy, soulless face.Burns: [frowns] I thought I had everything: money, good looks, strong, sharp teeth, but what's it all worth when nobody likes you?Smithers: I like you, sir.Burns: Are you still here?! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
bradm Posted January 9, 2007 Report Share Posted January 9, 2007 (edited) Homer: I used to rock and roll all night and party ev-er-y-day. Then it was every other day. Now I'm lucky if I can find half an hour a week in which to get funky.Aloha,Brad Edited January 29, 2007 by Guest Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Davey Boy 2.0 Posted January 9, 2007 Report Share Posted January 9, 2007 At the power plant, Homer carefully picks up three plutonium rods through the arm protectors and then juggles them. Homer drops the rods when he's startled by Mr. Burns coming in and calling his name (reading from his notebook).Burns: I need your help. I want to be loved.Homer: [uneasy] I see.... Well, I'll need some beer. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Booche Posted January 9, 2007 Report Share Posted January 9, 2007 Homer: Marge, the boy was wearing a hawaiian shirt. Marge: So? Homer: There's only two kind of guys who wear those shirts: gay guys and big, fat party animals. [sad] And Bart doesn't look like a big, fat party animal to me... Marge: So, if you wore a Hawaiian shirt, it wouldn't be gay? Homer: Right. Thank you. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Davey Boy 2.0 Posted January 9, 2007 Report Share Posted January 9, 2007 Comic Book Guy: Someone has mixed an "Amazing Spiderman" in with the "Peter Parker: The Spectacular Spiderman" series. This will not stand. Comic Book Girl: Pardon me, but I wish to tender a serious offer for this stack of water-damaged "Little Lulu"s. Comic Book Guy: "A", that is not water, that is Diet Mr. Pibb. And "B", I ... ooh ... [the Comic Book Guy obviously sees something he likes in this woman's face, as he is unable to speak at the sight of her eyes, braces, and misshapen nose] Comic Book Guy: Tell me, how do you feel about forty-five year-old virgins who still live with their parents? Comic Book Girl: Comb the Sweet-Tarts out of your beard and you're on. Comic Book Guy: Don't try to change me, baby. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Hal Johnson Posted January 9, 2007 Report Share Posted January 9, 2007 Milhouse: Remember the time he ate my goldfish? And you lied and said I never had goldfish. Then why did I have the bowl Bart? Why did I have the bowl? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Dr_Evil_Mouse Posted January 9, 2007 Report Share Posted January 9, 2007 Bleeding Gums: I'd like another Faberge egg, please? Man: Sir, don't you think you've had enough? Bleeding Gums: I'll tell you when I've had enough! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Hal Johnson Posted January 9, 2007 Report Share Posted January 9, 2007 Sideshow Mel: I am Melvin Van Horne, and this is my associate, Hershel Krustofsky.Krusty: Hey, hey.Sideshow Mel: Officers, you have arrested an innocent man!Chief Wiggum: Really? Aww, jeez… (opens Dr. Colossus' cell) Okay, Colossus, you're free to go. But stay away from Death Mountain.Dr. Colossus: All my stuff is there! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Davey Boy 2.0 Posted January 9, 2007 Report Share Posted January 9, 2007 Marge: We'd better stop and get the car washed.Homer: Eh, what's the rush. It might rain next week.Lenny: [driving alongside Homer's car] Hey, Homer. Car's kinda dirty.Homer: Really? Think I should get it washed?Lenny: Yeah, maybe. [he pulls away, and Homer pulls into a car wash]Marge: You listen to your friends, but you never listen to me.Homer: Hey, that's great. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Hal Johnson Posted January 9, 2007 Report Share Posted January 9, 2007 Homer: Yeah, Moe, that team sure did suck last night. They just plain sucked! I've seen teams suck before, but they were the suckiest bunch of sucks that ever sucked!Marge: HOMER!Homer: I gotta go Moe my damn weiner kids are listening. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
badams Posted January 9, 2007 Report Share Posted January 9, 2007 Homer: Kids, you tried your best and you failed miserably. The lesson is, never try--------------------------Mr.Burns: Quick Smithers. Bring the mind eraser device!Smithers:You mean the revolver, sir?Mr.Burns: Precisely--------------------------Homer: Son, when you participate in sporting events, it's not whether you win or lose: it's how drunk you get--------------------------Bart: Mom, can we go Catholic so we can get communion wafers and booze? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Booche Posted January 9, 2007 Report Share Posted January 9, 2007 Bart: I don't want to take drugs. Homer: Sure you do. All your favorite stars abuse drugs. Brett Butler, Tim Allen ... Marge: ... Tommy Lee ... Homer: ... Andy Dick. Bart: He's just flamboyant. Homer: Yeah, and I'm a size four. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Hal Johnson Posted January 9, 2007 Report Share Posted January 9, 2007 Marge: Homer, is this how you pictured married life? Homer: Yeah, pretty much, except we drove around in a van solving mysteries. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Cully Posted January 9, 2007 Author Report Share Posted January 9, 2007 "Talkin' Softball" - Terry Cashman Well, Mr Burns had done it The power plant had won it With Roger Clemens clucking all the while Mike Scioscia's tragic illness made us smile While Wade Boggs lay unconscious on the barroom tile We're talkin' softball From Maine to San Diego Talkin' softball Mattingly and Conseco Ken Griffey's grotesquely swollen jaw Steve Sax and his runin with the law We're talkin' Homer... Ozzie, and the Straw We're talkin' softball From Maine to San Diego Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Davey Boy 2.0 Posted January 9, 2007 Report Share Posted January 9, 2007 Lisa: But it's not fair. Adults always blame kids for everything.Homer: Well if kids are so innocent, why is everything bad named after them? Acting childish, kidnapping, child abuse ...Bart: What about adultery?Homer: Not until you're older, son. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Booche Posted January 9, 2007 Report Share Posted January 9, 2007 Announcer: Live from Shelbyville, it's "The Springfield Squares," featuring our new center square, Homer "Perfect Game" Simpson. [audience applauds]Homer: [walks up to Ron Howard, who is center-bottom square] Hey, Hi, Ron. [climbs on top of Mr. Howard to get to the center square]Howard: There's a stairway, dumb-ass!Brockman: [laughs] Okay, we'll start with our returning champion, Disco Stu.Stu: Disco Stu's gonna groove up some dough playing tic-tac-toe.Brockman: [aside to Stu] Uh, Stu, we like to downplay the resemblance to tic-tac-toe.Stu: I can dig it. Hit me with the center square.Brockman: Ah, Homer?Homer: Yes, Kent?Brockman: According to "Redbook" magazine, what is the speed of light?Homer: Well, yeah, uh, wait ... do I read from the sheet labeled "Jokes" or "Answers"? [holds up two pieces of paper]Brockman: Oh, for the love of ... stop tape!Howard: Make me center square, Kent. I'm ready -- I can handle it.Homer: Dream on, drunkie.Howard: Oh that's it. You're going down! [does an acrobatic backflip up to center square and attacks Homer]Itchy: Stop it, you two, you're making Scratchy cry.Brockman: Oh, we've got to stop putting these flavors of the month on.Homer: Flavor of the month? Me?Howard: Yeah, Homer, you can't just ride one accomplishment forever. Why do you think I stopped acting and became a director?Homer: I don't know, because you weren't cute anymore?Stu: Hmmm, I'll agree.Brockman: Circle gets the square. Goodnight, everyone! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
StoneMtn Posted January 9, 2007 Report Share Posted January 9, 2007 Go ahead, play your blues if it'll make you happy. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Davey Boy 2.0 Posted January 9, 2007 Report Share Posted January 9, 2007 Homer: Wow. They captured my personality perfectly! Did you see the way Daddy caught that bullet?Lisa: That's not really you, Dad, he's just a fictional character who happens to have the same name.Homer: [long pause] Don't confuse Daddy, Lisa. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
paisley Posted January 9, 2007 Report Share Posted January 9, 2007 Marge - "The only thing I'm high on is Love for my Son and Daughters. Yes, a little LSD is all I need." Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Booche Posted January 9, 2007 Report Share Posted January 9, 2007 Carl: Gee, uh, when you talk about that school, your voice fills with, uh, what do you call it -- human feeling.Lenny: Yeah, maybe you should, uh, what's the expression -- go back there.Moe: What's the word I'm searching for, uh -- yeah! A trip to the alma mater might really rekindle my love of getting people loaded.Carl: But who'll run the bar while you're gone?Homer: [jumps up] Ooh! Ooh! Pick me!Lenny: Pick me -- Lenny!Carl: Oh, pick me; I'm an urban Lenny!Moe: Look, I don't want to start a tinkling contest here ... or do I? [cut to the alley behind the bar. Homer zips up his trousers]Homer: Woo hoo!Carl: Oh, don't look so proud. That was wind-assisted.[cut back to bar where Moe gives Homer some final instructions]Moe: ... and if anyone wants potato chips or anything fancy, tell him to go to Hell.Homer: Can do. Now, don't you worry about a thing. [gleefully turns on a beer tap, spilling the beer onto the floor]Moe: [shuts off the tap] Hey, what are you doing? I gotta pay for that!Homer: No, Moe, you've got it all wrong. People buy beer from you. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Davey Boy 2.0 Posted January 9, 2007 Report Share Posted January 9, 2007 TV: "Movie For A Rained-Out Ballgame" now returns to Dyan Cannon, Troy McClure, and the Muppets in the 1977 film: "The Muppets Go Medieval". Troy: Oh Princess Fair, wilst thou grant me thine dainty hoof in marriage? Piggy: Oh, Sir Lies-A-Lot, I will! [they kiss each other] Troy: [purrs]Kermit: [in armor, wielding a sword] Unhand the swine, you swain! Come, Piggy. back to Hamelot. Piggy: Heck no, frog. Me and Iron Pants are just getting acquinted.[Our favorite family is wathing this movie on TV.] Lisa: Dad, what's a muppet?Homer: Well, it's not quite a mop, and it's not quite a puppet, but man... [laughs] So to answer your question I don't know.Bart: Why'd they make that one muppet out of leather? Marge: That's not a leather muppet, that's Troy McClure. Mmm, back in the '70s he was quite a teen heartthrob. Homer: Yeah, who'd have thought he'd turn out to be such a weirdo? Marge: What are you talking about? Homer: You know, his bizarre personal life. Those weird things they say he does down at the aquarium. Why I heard... Marge: Oh, Homer, that's just an urban legend. People don't do that type of thing with fish!-- "A Fish Called Selma" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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