A Robbery attempt gone horribly wrong...

[YearsAlongTheSea]

There, I said it. Last night, I was the victim of an "attempted robbery." All negative association with the word robbery aside, I still have all my possessions, physical integrity and walked away with a hilarious story to tell. It goes a little something like this:

Me and my dog Sly were walking through a park, not far from my home in Ottawa. The park kind of marks the fringe of crackhead-central and yuppieville. It was dark and empty except for two kids who looked around 17-21 years of age maybe who were sort of walking my way from afar. They start yelling.

First dude is yelling: "hey bro, you got an extra smoke?!!" and the second: "Hey, you wanna buy some dope?!!"

Neither of them were particularly charismatic in their approach and we all know no one on here smokes dope so I replied: "Sorry, this is my last one," and "I'm straight bro," to the questions accordingly. As I changed trajectory to avoid futher conversing, they kept walking my way repeating the same questions, only to find the same response. Dude looking for a cigarrette gives up and continues on his way. The guy trying to sell me pot hasn't given up yet and he intersects my path, gets right up in my face and says: "are you positive?" I assured him I was 'positive' yet things continued to escalate from there with important questions like: "how positive are you?" to which I replied, "100%" He wasn't convinved and inquired if I was giving him "my everything." Again, I assured him I was. I even upped things to "110%" and added that even if I did want anything, I had no money.

This is when things got "ugly." Over the course of the conversation, his body language had been evolving and getting more and more intense to where he was beginning to to exuberate hints of violent intentions. He requested that I give him my wallet and empty my pockets; over and over again. Pretty monotonous. To each request I responded, "no, I don't have anything." His body language grew more intense to where his fists were clenched and he was staring me down. My dog, a 30 pound border-collie, agile but potentially harmless, began to growl; a deep, deep growl that says "I don't have time to bark, the next thing that comes out of my mouth is bite." At this point I'm a little nervous; I only weigh 120 some odd pounds and his fried was still wandering around. I have faith my dog would give me a hand if it came down to the nitty gritty, but I'm not a violent person and I didn't really feel like getting into it.

My fighting resume is weak. The only fights I've been in were maybe with my brother during our adolescent years, and then later with boxing gloves in our early twenties, but I have no formal training in the field here. Plus I wear glasses, no one likes broken glasses.

It seemed like the battle of the witt was over and I had won through perservereance at which point there was a long awkward silence. He hadn't layed any ultimatums on me yet, just stood there trying to look intimidating. He didn't have a weapon, he didn't even offer to beat me up, he just stood there. After about 20 seconds where his only remaining tactic was to start wailing on me, for which I was half ready with clenched fists and half of Lassie, a slew of cars came along the road, offset from the park. I glance from the glare in his eyes briefly to see what was coming and, low and behold, an officer of the law, in an officer of the law car was amongst the traffic. I thought it prudent to point this out to the dude, who, at this point had me in either a vague robbery scenario, or a really intense sales pitch. We looked into eachothers eyes for a few more seconds before he walked off at which point my dog started barking aggressively. I walked to the street, and the light and, once it all sank in, I just started laughing. When I realized he might appreciate my laughter, I laughed louder, walking down the street home.

Moral of the story is, maybe you had to be there for it to be funny, but when it comes down to it, if you're going to rob somebody, let them know. Maybe even enter the scenario with a plan, a robbery blueprint if you will. Or just light up and leave me alone.

Edited June 4, 2006 by Guest

[Dr_Evil_Mouse]

Wow, YATS, what a story. I'm glad you came out of it not only intact but laughing as well. I think I would have handled things in much the same way, only I don't know how prepared our dwarf bunny would have been to go for the jugular (Python references aside).

It's sad that there are such lame people in the world.

[Im going home Donny]

gees yats glad your humours so solid.

was that the beer store park?

glad you and sly are fine.

[StoneMtn]

Wow.

I'm glad that every day, there's a new thread in which I can re-affirm and re-state my hatred for people.

I'm glad you're okay YATS. I know that in that situation, I'd have been too concerned about what might happen to my dog if I took things to the next level. (She's sixty pounds, but I really wonder whether she'd help out in a fight, or just be another scared victim for me to protect; and I suspect the latter. Besides, if I saw a weapon ever come out, which luckily you did not, I'd be too preoccupied with protecting my dog, to be much of a "fighter", which sounds like a pretty funny role for me under any circumstances.)

You know your laughter probably made him feel like such a fool that I can't even think of a better way to have handled it.

[Birdy]

that guys sounds like the biggest bonehead robber ever. idiot! i'm sure, yats, he'll spend the majority of his years in and out of various institutions, not for anything too serious, but just for being a sheer moron.

i'm glad you made it out ok!

[PassedOutGuy]

glad to hear you are ok brother... violence sucks!

[YearsAlongTheSea]

that guys sounds like the biggest bonehead robber ever. idiot! i'm sure, yats, he'll spend the majority of his years in and out of various institutions, not for anything too serious, but just for being a sheer moron.

I was thinking, instead of having him in and out of 'various institutions' we could institute him to various, renowned city centers in the USA such as Washington D.C. and see how far his little awkward robbery pitch gets him down there.

Philly would be a nice spot for him too.

The list goes on...

[Tenenbaum]

ha, I'm laughing with you brother!

[Ms.Huxtable]

Oh man what a story. I'm glad it worked out okay YATS. Whew.

I guess I have a glorified view of Ottawa. I always feel so safe here. This is another reminder to keep the ol' guard up a bit.

[paisley]

nice.

glad that all worked out with not too much harm done... sucks to be reminded you have to watch your back for some people but its good to note some nuts are more bark than bite... particularly amongst the urban, male, late teens demographic... much preferable to the big goon who lives to whack anyone they can under the misdirected belief it'll rectify whatever pain or shame they endured at someone elses hand previously

hopefully by stepping up to the plate and realizing he didn't even have a bat, that'll put an end to his somewhat sorry mugging career... probably'd been up 4 days on the meth and realized if he actually hit you, he'd just end up knocking himself over backwards onto his ass... (which would've been sorrier yet)

my money was on the little collie in any case

[bouche]

YATS, thanks for sharing the experience on such a light-hearted level. Our little Abbey would totally go nutz on punks like that, but I wonder if she would actually scare anyone. She's so small.

I do wonder if that is something worth reporting with descriptions to the cops though. Couldn't they be 2 idiots that are involved in other crimes?

[meggo]

eek! i'm glad you came out of that unscathed. my friend's husband has been mugged two or three times walking home at night, they live on lisgar and elgin.

what did they look like? i'm just a stone's throw away from you and i'm just wondering if it's one of my lovely neighbours across the street.

[YearsAlongTheSea]

I do wonder if that is something worth reporting with descriptions to the cops though. Couldn't they be 2 idiots that are involved in other crimes?

Judging by the level of organization these two crackheads had pulled together, and the aura of, "I'm gonna rob this guy as an afterthought," that this guy shed on me, I doubt they've successfully excecuted any other crimes. I mean, it literally took this guy 3 minutes to convey the fact that he was robbing me. It was like a slow morph, gentle segue from heckling to robbing. But like a dubbed out version of robbing; slow and easy going. The setlist would read:

Heckling * > Robbery **

* Dyslexic Version

** Dubbed out, slowed down version.

In fact, the robbery was so heady, I might as well call the Makisupa Police and wait half an hour for a Ghost to show up.

[Blane]

It's funny, I was also a victim of a boneheaded robbery attempt, albeit a much more violent one. I got jumped by about 5 guys in Barcelona, one who had me in a choke hold and the others trying to feel around my pockets for valuables. THe funny thing was that I had a backpack on containing my camera, beer, and assorted other stuff. THey made absolutely no move for my backpack, and ended up running off with nothing at all. Freaky but mostly harmless.

[StoneMtn]

I had a similar one.

A crackhead jumped into my car, in a parking lot, and grabbed my keys out of the ignition. He punched me in the face, and demanded my money. I had ten dollars in my pocket, but I was wearing a waist-pouch which coincidentally had a very large sum of money in it.

I reached into my pockets, pulled them inside out, gave him the ten dollars, grabbed my keys back, and yelled something about that's all I had. The guy left with the ten bucks.

[hamilton]

It's funny, I was also a victim of a boneheaded robbery attempt, albeit a much more violent one. I got jumped by about 5 guys in Barcelona, one who had me in a choke hold and the others trying to feel around my pockets for valuables. THe funny thing was that I had a backpack on containing my camera, beer, and assorted other stuff. THey made absolutely no move for my backpack, and ended up running off with nothing at all. Freaky but mostly harmless.

When I backpacked through Europe I made a habit of carrying a spare, mostly empty wallet (nothing but a couple of the lowest denomination bills in local currency; the euro didn't exist yet) that I could fork over if I were mugged. I figured that a mugger wouldn't believe me if I said I had nothing, but that he/she/they also wouldn't stick around to see if I had more once I gave them the wallet.

[YearsAlongTheSea]

I think it's hilarious that this happened in the most dangerous park in the city of Ottawa. Seriously; any other city and I may not even be here. What a joke. I'm still looking for this kid. I have a list of 101 things I should have said rapidly compiling in my head, I must let him know how I feel. Or how to rob. Or how to cross the street if he ever sees me again.

Crackheads; like pigeons, can't live with 'em, can't live without 'em.

[bradm]

You might consider printing up some pages with a big "DID YOU TRY TO ROB ME?" at the top, the details (date, what they looked like, etc.) and a list of the best snappy comebacks you have printed below. Then stick them up in and around the park. Putting "And I took your picture and I'm giving it to the cops" at the bottom is optional.

Aloha,

Brad

[AD]

When I backpacked through Europe I made a habit of carrying a spare, mostly empty wallet (nothing but a couple of the lowest denomination bills in local currency; the euro didn't exist yet) that I could fork over if I were mugged. I figured that a mugger wouldn't believe me if I said I had nothing, but that he/she/they also wouldn't stick around to see if I had more once I gave them the wallet.

There is a lovely gypsy lady in Granada Spain that has one of my old wallets, I pulled the same trick as you and was so happy that she stole the empty one. I watched her do it and and had to keep from laughing.

AD

[AD]

I think it's hilarious that this happened in the most dangerous park in the city of Ottawa.

Orleans? Mechanicsville? South Keys? HERONGATE? Lowertown?

From your write-up it sounded like you were in Centretown. There are waaay more dangerous parts in this city. Keep your guard up.

AD

[rubberdinghy]

Overheard on the bus in the Herongate area....

"so we went to check out this place for rent just around the corner.......I swear they were bullet holes in the wall"

Also, recently a driver was attack by about 5 "yutes*" on the number 8, which travels through this area...

* [color:purple]Danny Devito, My Cousin Vinny

[d_rawk]

Yeah, this neighbourhood is full of cheats, conniving liars, thieves and those who will happily throw bricks through your car window to grab whatever pittance might be in there (ask meggo) but overall isn't all that violent as far as I can tell. In fact the most violent are usually the kids spilling out of Barrymore's between 2-3am on Sunday nights/Monday mornings.

There is the one guy who gets really aggressive, usually walking along the Bank/Somerset area screaming and beating on things. Often he's complaining about "those fuckin' cops" who took "his fuckin' dog again". If he approaches you, offer him a cigarette and shake your head in sympathy ... let him know that you, too, think it's unfortunate that those fuckin' cops can get away with shit like this. All will be fine.

[bouche]

number 8 is my hull bus.

[AD]

Overheard on the bus in the Herongate area....

"so we went to check out this place for rent just around the corner.......I swear they were bullet holes in the wall"

Also, recently a driver was attack by about 5 "yutes*" on the number 8, which travels through this area...

* [color:purple]Danny Devito, My Cousin Vinny

A friend just moved out of that neighbourhood yesterday. In the year she lived there, on her block, there were 3 shootings of people, 2 shootings of buildings, they found knives (machetes) stashed in their backyard, lots of crazies and drug deals and the associated arrests, and (my personal favourite) the city stopped building a warming / changing hut for the ice-rink in the winter because the yutes kept burning it down. 4 TIMES before the city stopped rebuilding it.

AD

[StoneMtn]

I haven't even lived in Ottawa for like a decade, but even when I was there things weren't so peachy; at least if Vanier counts as Ottawa.

I once got a call that led to me and a friend going into some crack-house in Vanier (where I think we had the keys to get in, but I'm not sure) and had to remove two cats that were being horribly neglected. I don't know all the details about who lived in that crack house, or how my friend came to have the responsibility of saving these cats, but I did find out later that when the authorities went in there they found (among other things) a pistol shoved into the couch.

As I write this, I can't help but think that it's probably a good thing no crack-heads were home on the day of that cat-rescue mission!