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My border crossing story.


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so a few days ago, i went to visit my girlfriend who lives in buffalo. (she is a canadian, but her parents moved to buffalo for work. we met at yorku).

I had no trouble crossing into the states and I stayed for 1 day.

On my way back towards the Canadian border, right before you enter the "no mans land" where there is no turning back, there were a bunch of American border guards that had set up traffic cones forcing traffic into one lane and they were doing random checks. (this is the first time i've ever seen this kind of thing).

anyway, i pull up to the jerk (why is it that american border gaurds feel they can swear and act like ignorant morons? is it part of the job?)

so without any explanation, or a "please", or a "this will only take a second"...

they check my passport, give me the once over, and then pull me aside and tell me to sit on the curb.

The guy takes my passport and starts typing stuff away into his laptop (they had set up a mobile screening truck or somthing).

his other two friends start giving me the questions.

"you ever been arrested yet?"

-No not yet sir

"yeah we'll see what we can do about that"

"whats you're girlfriends name? where does she live? address? spell her last name..... blah blha blha.

"you have any drugs or weapons?"

that kinda thing....

i answer everything politely and truthfully and i was kind of enjoying the whole ordeal because i find american border guards very entertaining...especially when i have nothing to worry about.

"we are going to check your car now, anything dangerous we should be aware of?"

-No sir.

so they start hauling apart my car for about 5 minutes when i realize that i should disclose somthing that might be a little on the dangerous side.

-Uh...sir... there might be somthing I should warn you about.

"yeah, whats that?"

"i have a ziplock bag full of used condoms in my back pack that I haven't had a chance to discard"

"you're a real fucking jerk you know that...get up.... hey FRANK!!!! ...."

they tell me to sit there as they start saying something on their radios.....

"GET UP!...you're a real fuckin jerk you know that....take this slip and get inside that building"

i am escorted into the "search room" where i wait for roughly 20 minutes.

at this point i am getting ready for a strip search and i'm kind of enjoying the whole disaster that this has become.

teh supervisor comes in with rubber gloves and my bag and says "put on the gloves, and pull apart every single thing inside this bag...."

"sure thing...i'm so sorry"

i do as i'm told....

i come back to my car and they are still searching it.... they are in possession of my cell phone and they dialed my girlfriend to do a backround check (scared the shit out of her)

they end their inspection with one last question

"how the hell did a goon like you end up with an american girl anyway???"

to which i answer

"actually sir, she is canadian, i would never date an american"

DIMA-1

AMERICAN BORDER GUARDS- 0

"alright...well... you can leave, and throw that shit out"

"yes sir."

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a big congratulations to you as i am sure after 5 minutes i would have been arrested, they do not owned you as you showed them your pass port, being ass holes, you should have said oh don,t touch that bag as i have needles and dope in there nothing they can do, you act like you don,t understand what they are doing bull shit anyway glad you acted a bit cocky

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I can believe alot of it Bouche... I was on a Greyhound coming back from the moe. show in Buffalo this past February... apparently its pretty common now that they turn you around in "no man's land" and send you back through US custums before being allowed to proceed over the bridge to Canada... mind you the backpack full of used condoms does sound a little weird... also we are talking about New Riders favourite child here... :P

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apparently its pretty common now that they turn you around in "no man's land" and send you back through US custums before being allowed to proceed over the bridge to Canada...

what? prove me wrong, but i'm not buying that for a second.

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On my way back towards the Canadian border, right before you enter the "no mans land" where there is no turning back, there were a bunch of American border guards that had set up traffic cones forcing traffic into one lane and they were doing random checks. (this is the first time i've ever seen this kind of thing).

I experienced the same thing about 15 years ago. At the Lewiston-Queenston crossing. But we were let through w/o being searched.

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i laughed, just like greg, believe it or not it was a funny story.

my funniest border story, not to steal dimas thunder(ing shits in an art gallery) was crossing with my dad years ago before i drove, we pull up to the american guard booth. citizenship? both canadian, where you headed? just dropping him off at his girlfriends, then the guard says to my dad, and what are you gonna do sir, videotape them? go ahead.

fucking weirdo american guards man. it was the easiest time ive had getting in since ive been arrested though.

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October, 2002:

Border Guard: Bradley*...You're being awfully quiet back there.

Brad: ::sits in stunned silence, at a loss for words::

September, 2003:

(The Same) Border Guard: Are you stoned, Brad? You look stoned.

Brad: No, I look like this all the time. Look at my passport picture**.

Aloha,

BRAD (Borders Really Are Demented)

* This was said in his best 3rd-grade-teacher voice. A chill went down my spine, and the hairs on the back of my neck stood up.

** In fact, he hadn't even opened my passport yet. This particular border guard had remembered my name from the crossing 11 months before this.

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Oh man, funny shit. Border guards are dicks. Me and my brother just got sent into the Immigration Building at the Border heading via Buffalo because my brother had forgotten/neglected to give in his green card. The guy's biggest concern, to the point of yelling at my brother who's quiet and polite, was that my brother hadn't registered for the draft. In retrospect he did; it's automatic when you turn 16 in the U.S. So, they're both morons...

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i've fallen for these awesome stories before. I'll refrain from a reaction until MarcO and others weed out the truth ;)

I'm reminded of another story about a certain someone crapping his pants at an art gallery whilst on a date with a hottie...

or how about the one about getting into the Rolling Stones warm-up show at the Palais Royale (or somewhere equally as small) and leaving a few songs in because he didn't dig it.

Most of my border crossings have been pretty straight-forward and pleasant but then again I'm not a disgusting hippie.

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i've been treated horribly by both American and Canadian guards.

the nicest guard---going into maine from new brunswick for a show...i'm sure some of you know its just that little booth, on the side of the highway. we drove right past it! debated....then decided to turn back to see if that was indeed the crossing. the guy said good morning, i'll have to take those oranges from ya, have a good show.

worst time- coming back from guyana to canada. the canadian guards sequestered me, questioned me for TWO hours, alone, including yelling directly (like nose to nose) in my face. i wish i got their names, as i was seriously mistreated. of note, or maybe not, i was wearing a grateful dead tye dye.ahhh, thats what you get for doing volunteer medical work.....

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