Jokes!

[bouche]

Donald Rumsfeld is giving George W. Bush his daily briefing and tells him that three Brazilian soldiers have been killed in Iraq. George says "my God, that's absolutely terrible", and is at a loss for words. He holds his head in his hands for several minutes, almost in tears.

His staff is amazed at the response, and the whole room falls silent. inally, with a trembling voice George lifts his head from the table and says "exactly how many is a brazillion?"

[headymamamyrna]

A Kindergarten teacher on the first day of school was telling her class her name.

She said my name is Miss Prussy and I want you to remember that so she had them repeat it a few times.

The next day she said now class what is my name.

The young boy raised his hand and said I know

She said good you remembered now what is my name?

He replied it is Miss Prunt.

[FairySari]

whats the difference between parsely and pussy?

nobody eats parsley.

[Davey Boy 2.0]

Myyyyrrrnnnna! that sounds suspiciously like a PopoWeenie joke

[headymamamyrna]

Myyyyrrrnnnna! that sounds suspiciously like a PopoWeenie joke

Not at all!My very own!

[Patchoulia]

A Kindergarten teacher on the first day of school was telling her class her name.

She said my name is Miss Prussy and I want you to remember that so she had them repeat it a few times.

The next day she said now class what is my name.

The young boy raised his hand and said I know

She said good you remembered now what is my name?

He replied it is Miss Prunt.

I witnessed something eerily similar in school..only it was high school!

The teacher's name was Miss Tsumi (pronounced Chew-Me). In biology class one day, my friend Cindy raised her hand and said, "Excuse me? Miss Eatme?"

True story.

[Esau]

Q:How do you surprise a blind woman?

A:Punch her in the face.

[Schwa.]

A successful businessman flew to Vegas for the weekend to gamble. He lost the shirt off his back, and had nothing left but a quarter and the second half of his round trip ticket -- If he could just get to the airport he could get himself home. So he went out to the front of the casino where there was a cab waiting.

He got in and explained his situation to the cabbie. He promised to send the driver money from home, he offered him his credit card numbers, his drivers license number, his address, etc. but to no avail. The cabbie said (adopt appropriate dialect), "If you don't have fifteen dollars, get the hell out of my cab!" So the businessman was forced to hitch-hike to the airport and was barely in time to catch his flight.

One year later the businessman, having worked long and hard to regain his financial success, returned to Vegas and this time he won big. Feeling pretty good about himself, he went out to the front of the casino to get a cab ride back to the airport.

Well who should he see out there, at the end of a long line of cabs, but his old buddy who had refused to give him a ride when he was down on his luck. The businessman thought for a moment about how he could make theguy pay for his lack of charity, and he hit on a plan.

The businessman got in the first cab in the line, "How much for a ride to the airport," he asked? "Fifteen bucks," came the reply. "And how much for you to give me a blowjob on the way?" "What?! Get the hell out of my cab." The businessman got into the back of each cab in the long line and asked the same questions, with the same result.

When he got to his old friend at the back of the line, he got in and asked "How much for a ride to the airport?" The cabbie replied "fifteen bucks." The businessman said "ok" and off they went. Then, as the drove slowly past the long line of cabs the businessman gave a big smile and thumbs up sign to each driver.

[Im going home Donny]

Q:How do you surprise a blind woman?

A:Punch her in the face.

horrid yet hillarious....

[bradm]

Continuing with the horridity:

How do you make a cat go woof?

Douse it in kerosene, toss on a lit match, and woooofff!

How do you make a dog go meow?

Put it in the freezer for about a week, then put it on a bandsaw, and meeee-oooowwww.

Aloha,

Brad

[Steve from Cleveland]

Continuing BradM's horridity about things on fire...

A driver is stuck in a traffic jam on the highway. Nothing is moving.

Suddenly a man knocks on the window. The driver rolls down his window

and asks, "What happened?"

"Terrorists kidnapped President Bush and are asking for a $10 million

ransom. Otherwise they are going to douse him with gasoline and set

him on fire. We are going from car to car to take up a collection."

The driver asks, "How much is everyone giving on average?"

"About a gallon."

[Schwa.]

Some tidbits inspired by SfC's joke.

"We are fully committed to working with both sides to bring the level of terror down to an acceptable level for both." —George W. Bush, after a meeting with congressional leaders, Washington, D.C., Oct. 2, 2001

"The folks who conducted to act on our country on September 11th made a big mistake. They underestimated America. They underestimated our resolve, our determination, our love for freedom. They misunderestimated the fact that we love a neighbor in need. They misunderestimated the compassion of our country. I think they misunderestimated the will and determination of the Commander-in-Chief, too." —George W. Bush, Washington, D.C., Sept. 26, 2001

"The suicide bombings have increased. There's too many of them." —George W. Bush, Albuquerque, N.M., Aug. 15, 2001

[Hartamophone]

Q. What did the Phish fan say when he ran out of drugs?

A. Man, these guys really do suck.

[shainhouse]

This guy goes into a bar and asks for 10 shots of whiskey. The bartender, all jovial asks what the occasion is. The dude says; 'I just had my first blowjob.'

The bartender, all happy for the guy says; 'that's awesome, lemme add another shot on for ya.'

The guy replies; 'thanks, but if 10 shots won't take the taste outta my mouth, nothing will.'

[Hartamophone]

A guy walks into a bar and orders up five shots of JD. The bartender pours them out, and the guy instantly pounds them back, one after another.

"Jeez, that's a pretty serious thist you've got there," the bartender remarks.

"Hey buddy, you'd be drinking like this, too if you had what I have," the guy replies.

"Oh, I see, well, if you don't mind my asking, what is it that you have?"

"About seventy-five cents."

[DES]

A man wakes up one morning to find a gorilla in his tree. He calls the Gorilla Removal Service and waits anxiously. When the serviceman arrives, he quickly assesses the situation and proceeds to remove a long pole, a pair of hand cuffs, a chihuahua, and a shotgun from his truck. Puzzled, the man comes out to ask him his intentions. "Well...", says the serviceman. "Tell you what I'm going to do. I'm going to climb that tree see, and poke the gorilla with this long pole. The gorilla, will fall from the tree. When he lands, this specially trained chihuahua will rush over there and bite down hard on the gorilla's balls. When the gorilla instictively moves his hands down here like this (grabs his crotch with both hands).... I slap the cuffs on him, and that, is the end of the problem." The man looks around and says " What's with the shotgun?" The serviceman looks him square in the eye and says, "I'm giving that to you. If I fall out of the tree before the gorilla... shoot the dog."

[StoneMtn]

A Kindergarten teacher on the first day of school was telling her class her name.

She said my name is Miss Prussy and I want you to remember that so she had them repeat it a few times.

The next day she said now class what is my name.

The young boy raised his hand and said I know

She said good you remembered now what is my name?

He replied it is Miss Prunt.

I witnessed something eerily similar in school..only it was high school!

The teacher's name was Miss Tsumi (pronounced Chew-Me). In biology class one day' date=' my friend Cindy raised her hand and said, "Excuse me? Miss Eatme?"

True story.[/quote']

I also witnessed something similar.

The parents of my girlfriend/fiancee ("Lassie") moved to a new street, and we were going to visit. They gave us the address on "Seaward Way".

"Pardon, Dad? Did you say your street is called "C-Word"?

Needless to say, due to a misunderstanding, Lassie and I were looking for a street with a really offensive name, that we thought her dad was too polite to say out loud...

[Steve from Cleveland]

One of my favourites...

A woman went into a store to buy her husband a pet for his birthday. After looking around, she found that all the pets were very expensive. She told the clerk she wanted to buy a pet, but she didn't want to spend a fortune.

"Well," said the clerk, "I have a very large bullfrog -- they say it's been trained to give blowjobs." "Blowjobs?", the woman replied.

"It hasn't been proven, but we've sold 30 of them this month," he said.

The woman thought it would be a great gag gift and what if it's true... no more blowjobs for her! She bought the frog.

When she explained froggy's ability to her husband, he was extremely skeptical and laughed it off. The woman went to bed happy, thinking she may never need to perform this less than riveting act again.

In the middle of the night, she was awakened by the noise of pots and pans flying everywhere, making hellacious banging and crashing sounds.

She ran downstairs to the kitchen, only to find her husband and the Frog reading cookbooks.

"What are you two doing at this hour?" she asked.

The husband replied, "If I can teach this frog to cook, your ass is outta here."

[dimafleck: the living legend.]

After meeting with his advisors, GWB has blamed the disaster in New Orleans on Jews and Lesbians. Floods were caused by Levies and Dykes.

and on the horrid side:

whats the difference between a pile of bowling balls, and a pile of babies?

you can't stab a pile of bowling balls with a pitch fork.

Edited October 16, 2005 by Guest

[Tooly]

well, it isnt a joke like knock knock whos there joke, but its funny as hell, nonetheless.

I never quite figured out why the sexual urge of men and women

differ so much. And I have never figured out why men think

with their head and women with their heart.

FOR EXAMPLE: One evening last week, my wife and I were getting

into bed. The passion starts to heat up, when she eventually

said "I don't feel like it, I just want you to hold me."

I said "WHAT??!! What was that?!" So she says the words that

every husband on the planet dreads to hear... "You're just not

in touch with my emotional needs as a woman enough for me to

satisfy your physical needs as a man." She responded to my

puzzled look by saying, "Can't you just love me for who I am and

not what I do for you in the bedroom?"

Realizing that nothing was going to happen that night, I went to

sleep...

The very next day I opted to take the day off of work to spend

time with her. We went out to a nice lunch and then went

shopping at a big, big department store. I walked around with her

while she tried on several different very expensive outfits.

She couldn't decide which one to take so I told her we'd just

buy them all. She wanted new shoes to compliment her new

clothes, so I said lets get a pair for each outfit.

We went onto the jewelry department where she picked out a pair

of diamond earrings. Let me tell you...she was so excited.

She must have thought I was one wave short of a shipwreck. I

started to think she was testing me because she asked for a

tennis bracelet when she doesn't even know how to play tennis. I

think I threw her for a loop when I said, "That's fine, honey."

She was almost nearing sexual satisfaction from all of the

excitement.

Smiling with excited anticipation she finally said, "I think

this is all dear, let's go to the cashier."

I could hardly contain myself when I blurted out, "No honey, I

don't feel like it."

Her face just went completely blank as her jaw dropped with a

baffled WHAT?!

I then said "honey! I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a

while. You're just not in touch with my financial needs as a

man enough for me to satisfy your shopping needs as a woman."

And just when she had this look like she was going to kill me, I

added, "Why can't you just love me for who I am and not for

the things I buy you?"

Apparently I'm not having sex tonight either.

[Calamity Jane]

[color:red] I, the penis, hereby request a raise in salary for the following reasons:

-I do physical labor.

-I work at great depths.

-I plunge head first into everything I do.

-I do not get weekends off or public holidays.

-I work in a damp environment.

-I don't get paid overtime.

-I work in a dark workplace that has poor ventilation.

-I work in high temperatures.

-My work exposes me to contagious diseases.

[color:red]Dear Penis, After assessing your request, and considering the arguments you have raised, the administration rejects your request for the following reasons::

-You do not work 8 hours straight.

-You fall asleep on the job after brief work periods.

-You do not always follow the orders of the management team.

-You do not stay in your allocated position, and often visit other areas.

-You do not take initiative - you need to be pressured and stimulated in order to start working.

-You leave the workplace rather messy at the end of your shift.

-You don't always observe necessary safety regulations, such as wearing the correct protective clothing.

-You'll retire well before reaching 65.

-You're unable to work double shifts.

-You sometimes leave your allocated position before you have completed the day's work.

-And if that were not all, you have been seen constantly entering and leaving the workplace carrying 2 suspicious looking bags.

Sincerely, The Management

[SaggyBalls]

Dima...seems like that dead baby joke is not for both you or i...

What's the difference between a truckload of bowling balls and a truckload of dead babies?

You can't unload bowling balls with a pitchfork.

Edited October 17, 2005 by Guest
i'm a retard

[Esau]

but you messed up a classic dead baby joke.

So did you.

What's the difference between a truckload of bowling balls and a truckload of dead babies?

You can't unload bowling balls with a pitchfork.

[popo weenie]

Continuing with the horridity:

How do you make a cat go woof?

Douse it in kerosene, toss on a lit match, and woooofff!

How do you make a dog go meow?

Put it in the freezer for about a week, then put it on a bandsaw, and meeee-oooowwww.

Aloha,

Brad

a man went to a drug store and asked for something to make him very horney as he was having 3 women over for the night

the druggist said oh i have the stuff for you

he showed him a box and said this will keep you going all night,trust me

the man said i want 3 boxes, oh the druggist said that is way too much but the man bought them anyway went home and took the 3 boxes and waited for the women

next morning as the druggist opened up the store here was the man

inside he goes to the druggist and asks for

absorbine jr. his pants were down to his knees and his penis was hanging all black n blue n bleeding skin torn off, the druggist said you are not going to put absorbine jr, on that, the man says no it,s for my arms the women didn,t show up

[AdamH]

From the latest issue of Heeb Magazine (Jew Crew get on this, it's fantastic):

A Jewish woman is visiting a doctor and waiting to hear the results of her husband's examination. The doctor tells her that her husband has a stress-related illness that could prove fatal, but can be cured if she gives him a passionate blowjob twice a day..once in the morning and once in the afternoon.

The woman walks out to her car where her kids are waiting.

Kids: "Mommy, what did the doctor say?"

Mom: "Kids, your father's going to die"